Writer’s [building] Block.

Hey.

It sure has been a while since I’ve posted here. I remember starting this over a year ago, when I used to post once a week.

Then a lot of things happened.

It has been almost a year since the passing of my sister and there are plenty of moments the pain still feels raw and jarring.

As much as I try not to let that moment define me, I cannot escape the undeniable fact that it has. I unintentionally have drawn a firm line in my experiences, memories, and core being, separating the ‘before’ and ‘after’ that moment.

If you’re thinking to yourself “That doesn’t seem like a healthy way to reflect upon your life,” you are absolutely right. But, alas, here I am, doing just that. Unhealthy as it is, I can’t deny I’ve learned.

Boy have I learned. About family. About true friendships. About losing people. Both in a literal sense [<3 Jennie, Grandpa] and in the more abstract pain and confusion of a parting of ways. I've also learned about how fellowship and camaraderie can bloom out of some pretty dark corners. I've kept old true friends and developed new cherished bonds. I've done all these things by first learning about myself.

While I deeply regret that so much beauty, love, and understanding was only able to come into fruition after such a time of tragedy, I must accept it for the gift that it is.

Now throughout this past year, I have also been lucky to maintain my 'sense of humor' and downright offbeat life outlook that has fueled my inspiration for writing this window into my world.

But, as your keen powers of observation may have deduced, my posting is a piddly shadow of my initial one/week efforts. There are some reasons for this such as: I've had plenty more stressors going on in my life, I'm just too freaking lazy, I stopped caring, etc.

I actually have a folder FULL of drafts all ranging from fragmented sentence ideas, to completed pieces. For a seemingly unknown reason I have become less and less able to complete these ideas.

After some reflection, I have figured out the reason.

This was originally intended to be an unapologetic open expression of myself. And in the beginning, it was. But as I've taken many deep looks in the proverbial mirror, I have developed a deeper and truer understanding of myself. Unfortunately, I have not opened up to everyone yet, and have lost the desire to have to exercise caution and place filters on media I originally intended to be an open and honest chronicle of myself.

So I am taking a hiatus. How long will it be? I am not sure.

I do know this: I don't plan on returning until I am able to get back to the openness I originally intended this place to be. That will first require me to be more communicative with a few more close people in my life. This is a tremendous goal I plan on attaining.

Be prepared, because when I come back, things will be so different, but still very much the same.

Everyone can speculate, guess, or assume whatever they want out of this rambly mess, but it doesn't really matter.

Thank you to everyone I've already opened up to. You're all the best.

Summertime Sadness: A Reflection on My Dating Life

So..
hellonurse
This is sorta awkward guys. I know it’s been a while. I know you may be coping with some abandonment issues. I know I am grossly overestimating how much people actually like this blog. But, explanations will be given anyways.It’s summer everyone! It means festivals, friends, beach, outside, ice cream, copious thigh sweat, and ant infestations.

I’m not even going to pretend to care what you foolish mortals have done with your spare time, but I have been up to quite a bit.

For one: IT’s Summer! I’ve been enjoying the pleasant weather. And by that I mean “FUCKING CONSTANT BARRAGE OF RAIN” Seriously though. It’s excessive. We now have 20,000 lakes. In times like these I still try to keep a positive outlook on the situation.
url-6

Besides, we all know if it was over 75 degrees, my summer would pretty much wind up like this:
url

But yes, outdoors. I have committed numerous outdoor acts in the recent months.

I went camping! It was wonderful and only had a max of three parasitic organisms draining me of my life-force. No, I was not attacked by ticks or mosquitos draining me of my blood. The parasites in question were my lovely  nieces* and the aforementioned life-force happens to be 4g service on my cell phone. So, like the terrible people we all were, we spent each night binge-watching Adventure Time rather than ‘becoming one with nature’ or some sentimental crap like that.

*I seriously never would insult my nieces on a public platform. Any seemingly negative qualities I may attribute to them are only ones I myself would be equally guilty of. I most likely taught them terrible things :-).

There was still plenty of fun to be had outdoors. We went kite flying! Which, apparently becomes hard as Satanic Hell when you pass the age of 18.

This is what happens when you Google: 'Kite Fail' btw. (Accurate Depiction)

This is what happens when you Google: ‘Kite Fail’ btw.
(Accurate Depiction)

If camping will always be like that wonderful weekend, then count me in for more!

Hmm. What else was done in the dreadful outdoors? Ah yes, training for my first 5K. It is coming along quite fast (in one week) and have recently discovered shocking new developments that have led me to drastically change my preparations.

All that time. Spent in outdoor Tiki Bars.... spent for naught.

All that time. Spent in outdoor Tiki Bars…. spent for naught.

 

I also have been driving profusely to visit friends and family, setting stuff on fire, and some other outdoorsy stuff. If you really wanna know what I all did outside, just check out my Instagram. As a true Millennial, I can’t possibly let my mediocre adventures go undocumented.

Okay. Let’s see. Now for indoor activities…

oh yeah, of course.

I watched ALL episodes of Orange Is The New Black in one sitting. I’m not even regretting it. I’m not even sorry. That show just has some sort of effect on me.

Okay no, not THAT effect. C'mon guys. That's what Fan-Fic is for...

Okay no, not THAT effect.
C’mon guys. That’s what Fan-Fic is for…

But no. Somehow I made it through ALL THE EPISODES. And wound up in a mind-blown haze of wonder and bewilderment.

url-1

I WOKE UP LIKE DIS

Did I realize the abject horror one person [Vee] could unleash upon the inmates?
Absolutely not.

Did I realize that the superb writing would shake my own self-filled backstories to the core and change how I perceived seemingly harmless characters [Morello]?
No way!

Did I really think I could possibly find new character favorites [POUSSEY!!] in the midsts of one of the strongest ensembles on television?
url

So yeah. Season 2 was pure brilliance. Moving on.

So guys, the real reason I’ve taken to slacker-status on my blogging is because I’ve made another venture out in the realm of dating. I take breaks from dating because 1. I am too freaking awkward 2. It gets physically and mentally exhausting trying to switch that off to impress someone. 3. I usually have to drain that preciously finite energy from other sources, ie: the delightfully cliche pun-making, gif-herding, and meta self-depreciation that comprises this ‘blog’.

But yes. I am ready again. Let us hope this attempt is much different than other times. Well, actually it is. Way different. But I maybe will extrapolate on that all one fine day.

Anyways. Explanations, yeah? You see, normally when I get back on a dating kick, I now result to a no-shame beeline for online dating. Getting to type a fully contrived persona before meeting someone? My confidence exudes as follows:

It's going dowwwn.  I'm yelling "TINDERRRRR!!"""

It’s going dowwwn.
I’m yelling “TINDERRRRR!!”

 

However, since this dating venture is super drastically different in ways unknown to some and possibly obvious to others, I did not make a beeline to such methods.

Somehow, miraculously, I have still met a few people. Some have been a tad underwhelming and have clearly NOT read the guidelines I listed in a potential mate.
url-7

Some of these potential people have been quite wonderful. But then I screw it up. Before you try to accept my pity-party invitation, please know that the statement is scathingly true. I am awkward as shit and it seriously gets in the way.

Seriously, let me paint you a picture of some of my bloopers that send the others running.

– Discussing the fact that I came up with my own ‘sexy’ choreography to the Disney song, ‘Be Prepared’ (Scar’s song).

In my defense… How could you NOT?

– Explaining the Socialist implications of how game boosts are given in Mario Kart.

– Revealing that my love of pickles has conditioned me in a Pavlovian (yes I actually said Pavlovian) way to legitimately begin drooling when I see a pickle jar.

-Making creepily early references to any sort of romantic connection on a public blog.

Now, there are plenty more dumb errors I have made. It has led to some people understandably exiting the situation. It has also left some remaining stragglers.

Just in time for stage 2!

Now, sensibly, if someone puts up with those initial ridiculous shenanigans, I would realize they are actually sorta interested and you know, chill?

Absolutely freaking NOT.

Absolutely freaking NOT.

You see, now is the time that I hold unnaturally deep conversations with people. Just words. All the time.

It begins innocently. It really does. You see guys, I cannot just have a purely physical connection with someone. They need them a purdy brain before they can be ready for this Jelly. It can still wind up being a somewhat ‘casual’ relationship thing with that person.

It just unfortunately seems like I am trying to ‘wife the shit outta them’ (actual statement I’ve heard). That is not the case, however.

I have decided that it breaks down to this: You know how some people can casually throw around their kitty?

Or some wait until marriage. Whatever you do is fine! As long as you do you!

Or some wait until marriage. Whatever you do is fine! As long as you do you!

Well I can respect and understand those women who just wanna casually throw around their kitty as long they’re safe, consenting, happy, etc, awesome! But I am just NOT one of those girls.

Instead of casually throwing my kitty, I casually throw around my soul and personality. I get a real joy out of making a connection with someone. It fulfills me just like that. It doesn’t always need to escalate. It doesn’t need to evolve into a lofty-label. It doesn’t mean I am planning the names of our unborn.

It simply means this: I am connecting with you on a deeper level than the general public, and I am enjoying the CURRENT MOMENT of it all. The ONLY implication this will give of future events is of potential kitty-throwing.

TL;DR: I’m not trying to be a wife here. I’m just a weirdo that still needs an emotional connection even in more casual relationships.

If you fools seriously thought I explained this to my dates and cleared the confusion, GTFO. You have clearly not grasped my eloquent depiction of my inherent ability NOT to simplify things.

Instead of keeping it simple and open, I just babbled. More. And more. And more. And when confronted with my completely unsexy tendency to babble, I simply began backpedalling. Instead of the proper route which is: ‘Chill the Fuck out’ I just kept up with the word vomit. Eventually all my words became a revolting clusterfuck.

So much so, I’ve taken to calling the whole phenomenon RAT KINGDon’t know what that is? Well, Google it. I’ll wait here.. because it’s absolutely disgusting. Which is precisely how I feel about my antics when I screw things up like this.

So naturally, I have had the inevitable “We should just be friends” statement thrown my way. It sucks. But I get it. I really need to do an overhaul here.

I have a lesson throughout all of this, folks. Stop overthinking. Stop trying to rationalize and talk your way through things that really SHOULDN’T be rationalized. Just do. Just be. Just live. You’re going to get a lot more respect and happiness that way. If not from others, then definitely from yourself.

 

Television Death Match Spectacular

Hello my Dino-Nuggets!

I don’t know about you, but the last couple of weeks have been DAUNTING. Work really did a number on me. I got a letter back from the state saying I was mistaken on my tax return, and now OWE money. Game of Thrones won’t be on this weekend!! Really terrible stuff.
Image

In order to fill up my time normally spent anticipating/watching/reviewing/obsessing over the show, I now have some time to write…

about Game Of Thrones.

 

Image

[not sorry]

I will prove to you all how great this show is by having a

TELEVISION DEATH MATCH SPECTACULAR-MANIA 26!!!

I will match up some Game of Thrones cast members with some other beloved tv characters in a brutal test of awesomeness! There will only be one victor per round.
Image

Without further adoo…

~ROUND ONE~

 

Image

Broody bastard that could melt The Wall with his smolder…. Jon Snow.

VS

Image

Broody law enforcement man who could stop a horde dead in their tracks with his… personality?….Rick Grimes
[The Walking Dead]

Winner:
Hmm.. both are reluctant leaders constantly faced with the looming threat of an Undead army. Both lack a massive emotional range/interesting storyline (at least compared to their costars), yet still attract massive support of the fandoms.

I’d have to give the win to Rick. They won’t kill off Rick. The whole story rides on him.

~ Round 2 ~
Image
The ruthless Momma Lion Cersei Lannister.

VS

Image
The positively Psycho Norma Bates. [Bates Motel]

Winner:
Norma Bates.
Sorry Cersei. Even when dead, Norma still holds tremendous psychological holds over her offspring. When’s the last time you were able to contain your bratty kids?

~ Round 3 ~
Image
Our smokin’ hot Red Priestess Melisandre.

VS

Image
The Supremely bewitching Cordelia Foxx. [American Horror Story]

Winner:
Cordelia.

I mean c’mon. She’s the Supreme. Even if she could be killed by Melly, (although not by fire due to her Pyrokinesis) she can be brought back to life by her one true love (FOXXAY 4 lyfe!) who just happens to have the power of resurgence.
Image

~ Round 4 ~

Image

The lethal Bisexual hailing from the sands of Dorne, Oberyn Martell!

VS
Image
The Nordic sex-beast himself, vampire Eric Northman. [True Blood]

Winner:
Tie

The Red Viper may be very suave and skilled and combat, but he just cannot compete with a 1,000 year old vampire. Unless of course the battle were to be held in Dorne. That particular house of Westeros seems to readily idolize one of Eric’s greatest weaknesses.

Image

Spears, ALL vampires fear spears.

I predict the battle will begin at night, and Oberyn will fend Eric off before getting mortally wounded. Eric will have lost track of time trying to kill off Oberyn and burn upon the rising of the sun. Leading to both contestants to win AND lose.

Image

Oh yeah book readers, I just did that.

~ Round 5 ~
Image

Lannister Golden Boy (see what I did there?) Jaime Lannister.

VS

url-4

Resident hottie Schmidt. [New Girl]

Winner:
Jaime Lannister.

Both of these competitors would be neck and neck in a popularity contest, although no one would know why. Both infamously arrogant jerks seem to have a radiating magnetism to them. But this is not a competition for Country Club President, it is a FIGHT TO THE DEATH. And knowing how to fight with a sword (even with a gimpy gold hand) clearly proves an advantage.

~ Round 6 ~

url

Conniving Geriatric Olenna Tyrell.

VS
url-14
Sassy Artistocrat Dowager Countess. [Downton Abbey]

Winner:
Queen of Thorns.
While both are fabulously sharp-tongued and could have an unparalleled verbal fencing match, there is a clear disadvantage here.
You see, the British High-Society folk just cannot turn down a cup of tea. And Queen Olenna seems to love adding extra… surprises… in beverages.

Just ask this poor schmuck.

Just ask this poor schmuck.

~ Round 7 ~

url-15
The Wildling Kissed By Fire, Ygritte.

VS
url-16
The fiery beauty, Gloria Pritchett. [Modern Family]

Winner:
Ygritte.
While both opinionated accent-speaking beauties would have a good go at it, Ygritte would have no problem in hand-to-hand combat and would mercilessly kill anyone who got in her way. (Besides maybe, ‘John Sneauuuu’).

~ Round 8 ~ TAG TEAM ROUND ~
url-17
The Prince of Transcendence Brand Stark and the eloquent Hodor.

VS
url-1
The Adventuresome dream team of Finn and Jake. [Adventure Time]

Winners:
Bran + Hodor.
While there is no denying Finn and Jake’s bravery and impressive battle history against all sorts of scary foes, they just don’t stand a chance against Bran and Hodor. For one, this is Hodor we’re talking about. It has not been confirmed, but he is clearly the frontrunner to win the Iron Throne. And then you have Bran, who is essentially training to be one of the Old Gods. Even if Finn and Jake seem to gain an advantage in the battle, Bran will simply Warg into Jake’s mind, turning him against Finn.

~Round 9~

url-18
The no-nonsense Brienne.

VS
url-2
The no-time-for-your-bullshit Lana Kane. [Archer]

Winner:

These two Amazonian powerhouses would have a very close-hard fought battle, after first sitting down to enjoy the company of someone who deals with as much crap from peers as the other does. But once Lana decided the fight was dragging on too long, she’d pick out one of her many guns and finish the job, like she always does.

~ Round 10 ~
url-19
The devious Master of Coin (and deception), Petyr Baelish.

VS
url-20

Capitol Hill power-player Frank Underwood. [House of Cards]

Winner:

Oh boy. This is a very tough one. Both are exceptionally good at using any means necessary (including unsuspecting people) to get what they want and cunningly climb the ladder to rule.
I suppose I’d have to give the slight edge on this to Littlefinger, for I feel he would be slightly more quick to simply murder his foe if he knew he would be a tough competitor.

~ Round 11 ~
url-21
The protagonist you have trouble rooting for (but still sort of pity)… Theon Greyjoy.

VS

HannahHorvath
The protagonist you REALLY have trouble rooting for… Hannah Horvath. [HBO’s GIRLS]

Winner:
Theon, by a landslide.
Even if Hannah actually did any sort of damage to Theon, he has clearly shown he can take all sorts of physical abuse and pain and still function. Hannah would self-destruct as soon as she knows she wouldn’t be able to tur her battle experiences in a self-indulgent screenplay.

~ Round 12 ~

url-22
THE MOST IRRITATING BASTARD IN THE REALM… JOFFREY BARATHEON.

VS
url-23
THE MOST AGGRAVATING CRIMINAL EVER TO INHABIT LITCH… TIFFANY ‘PENNSATUCKY’ DOGGETT.
[Orange Is The New Black]

Winner:
Pennsatucky. Even though Joffrey is a terrible excuse for a human being, he is quite cowardly. A match between these two questionably-inbred jerks would be close, all Pennsatucky would need is some misinterpreted sign from God that Joffrey needed to die, and she would stop at nothing to see it done.
url-6

~ Round 13 ~

url-24

Young Badass Arya Stark.

VS
url-25
Wise-beyond-her-years Sally Draper. [Mad Men]

Winner:
Arya Stark.
Clearly the young lady training to be a FREAKING ASSASSIN would have the combative advantage here. But as far as judging the quality each character brings to their respective show, it’d be a pretty even matchup.

~Round 14 ~
url-3
The most snuggly bodyguard evar… Sandor ‘The Hound’ Clegane.

VS
url-26
The friendliest Teddy Bear of a government worker you’ll know… Ron ‘Duke Silver’ Swanson.
[Parks and Recreation]

Winner:
The Hound, duh.
Even though I love Ron Swanson for his grumpiness, epic one-liners, and general disdain for everyone else but himself, I love The Hound for all the same reasons. So then we must take into consideration that The Hound is a highly skilled and ruthless killer.

~Round 15~
url-28
The daddy-of-the-year Tywin Lannister.

VS
url-27
Teacher-of-the-year Walter ‘Heisenberg’ White. [Breaking Bad]

Winner:
Walter White.
Even though Tywin is a master strategist, I really don’t think he’d fare well against Mr. ‘I-Am-The-Danger’. Walter seems to luck out of so many deadly situations and come out on top. Besides, he has plenty of useful Chemistry tricks up his sleeve.
url-5

~Round 16~
url-31

He puts the ‘IMP’ in ‘PIMP’… Tyrion Lannister.

VS
url-32
Everyone’s favorite High-Functioning Sociopath, Sherlock Holmes.

Winner:
With an underdog win, Tyrion Lannister.
Even though this would be a battle of wits to go down in history, I feel that Tyrion would somehow come out ahead. I am not sure how, but I feel it would happen. Also, image the outrage if Tyrion were to ever die. If Sherlock were to die, we’d just have to face the wrath of the Cumber-bitches. If Tyrion gets killed off EVERYONE WILL RIOT.

*HINT*HINT*, George R.R. Martin.

~FINAL ROUND~

url-29
The beautiful Daenerys ‘name-is-not-Khaleesi’ Targaryen.

VS

url-30
The… lots of adjectives… Clone Club. [Orphan Black]

Winner:
Tie.

I know. You’re probably wondering how I could go against my raging Targaryen Fealty and NOT declare Dany as the unquestionable victor. But the truth is, I really don’t see either matchup being completely wiped out. Sure Dany has an entire Army and friggin’ DRAGONS, but I feel that more and more clones would keep popping up no matter how many she kills. And If she were without her army, guards, or dragons, I feel that Dany wouldn’t stand a chance against some of these ladies, especially Helena.

Also I feel like this guy would throw a stupid love-triangle wrench into the whole deal.

Daario

Daario

whatshisface... Orphan Daario

whatshisface… Orphan Daario

So I’ll just make a ruling on this and declare them all the winners! The Clones could join Dany and be excellent Royal Advisors.
url-7

So after many hard fought battles, one side triumphed just a few times more (but it was close). And the winner is…

GAME OF THRONES.

Did you really think this would turn out a different way?

I’m sure plenty of you may disagree with my ruling on this, and may go to lengths to let me know. And I only have this to say about it.

Haters to the Left.

Haters to the Left.

You Mad, Bro?

Hello, my wonderful fruit snacks!

Bet you weren’t expecting a post so soon, were you?

If you should know one thing, its that I do not go by any sort of standards on this thing. These posts are totally rando and you can never expect when they may just pop up.
Image

I am writing today to address an issue that has plagued me for a long time.

My tendency to rage.

Image

(not that kind of rage)

More along the lines of this.
Image

I have since evolved from my school age tendencies to bite others and smack a classmate’s applesauce on the floor and learned to control my emotions.

But guys, there are some days that almost drive me back into those dark times. If it was not an immediately fireable offense, I know for a fact I would throw my supervisor’s applesauce on the floor and scream “That’s for pushing me down the wet slide and telling Billy I peed my pants!!!

I seriously had the type of day today that would have landed that story into the embarrassing reality of a police report.
What about my life could be that bad to send me in such fits of rage?

Well, nothing life-alteringly terrible. All in all, I have a life better than most. And most of these things that settle inside me are a whole lotta FWP’s… but they still are the epitome of TEH SUCK.

Let me express myself about some of these triggers I face in my life (before bad things happen). In THINGS THAT MAKE ME RAGE

First and foremost, I just want to express a common source of rage: video games. Although, I have not played some of these in a while, you can hopefully understand what the general tone will be for the remainder of the post.

-Cause of Rage:
Kingdom Hearts Bonus Villains

 

 

Image

Big Ben? More like Big PAIN-IN-THE-EVERLOVING-ASS

 

Image

Even though you aren’t required to defeat neither Sephiroth or the Big Ben Phantom in order to complete the story, that just makes the frustration all too real. It’s as if they know I can’t beat them, so they sit in their hidey-holes, knowing I cannot revel in my game victory until I smite them upon the grounds of Hollow Bastion.

•Level of Rage:
url-6

-Cause of Rage:
Stagecoach racing in Red Dead Redemption.

I love this game, I really do. It captures the Old West in a really cool way. Also, the action controls are very authentic.

That’s the problem. Steering a stagecoach and trying to turn a team of horses around is hard as shit. While you’re stuck trying to deal with this realistic problem, you usually get murdered by a band of smelly outlaws, or mauled my a passerby cougar. The Old West is hard.

•Level of Rage:
Image

 

-Cause of Rage:
A certain beloved show (c’mon you guys should know this by now) changing up a bunch of stuff from a certain even more beloved book series. (In case you’re confused… Game of Thrones, #getOnMyLevel).

• Level of Rage

NIGHT'S KING?!?! That was meant for book 6 or later! Now it's ALL ruined!!

NIGHT’S KING?!?!
That was meant for book 6 or later!
Now it’s ALL ruined!!

 

The rage of a show/movie completely effing up its book counterpart is a rage I have endured many a time, yet each stray step away from the books is just as painful as ever.
Image

– Cause of Rage:
Shows getting rid of enjoyable characters.

Mad Men, which is but a mere shadow of its former self, has not shown one of my favorite side characters in a while.
Miss Trudy Campbell, the person who put all of her hopes and dreams into the hands of this skeeze:
Image
Only to have him inevitably ruin her beautiful life!
Once the imminent demise of their doomed marriage came to pass, I was certain they’d have all sorts of plot concepts for the newly freed Trudy, and what did they deliver? Zilch.

• Level of Rage:
Image
FYI, Pete-MOFO-Campbell, if you happen to be reading this, hope you thought it was worth it to cheat on this:

Image

So THAT’S what she’s been up to.
You do you, girl!

 

Another show to commit this terrible crime is Glee.

A show which has massively decreased in a quality that wasn’t all that high in the first place, is rumored to have canned its arguably best character (sorry Rachel). Santana Lopez was/is the only reason I have stuck with this sinking ship, and now it is my time to escape.

•Level of Rage:

url-3

-Cause of Rage:
Shows turning into horrible awful train wrecks you cannot peel your eyes away from, and remain watching them out of a sick, masochistic, duty to pop-culture.

…there are too many shows that fit this category.

• Level of Rage:
tumblr_me12voFdPa1rb3j2bo1_500

-Cause of Rage:
Nefarious pickle jars… or other hard-to-access vittles.

CHIP RAAAAGE!!

CHIP RAAAAGE!!

Yes, it took me a week to open a damn jar of pickles. Go ahead, laugh. See where it gets you.
url-12

•Level of Rage:
url-13

-Cause of Rage:
Derpy, yet maddeningly persistent cowlick on the back of my head.
url-14

The devious bastard seems to sprout at very inopportune moments, and no amount of coaxing will tame the wild menace.
Special thanks to all of you people who repeatedly inform me when this occurs…
url-11
(as if I didn’t already know!)

•Level of Rage:
url-5

 

 

-Cause of Rage:
“Happy” By Pharell Williams.

I don’t need to post a video. I don’t want to post a video. This song makes me feel many things, but ‘happy’ is not one of them.

•Level of Rage:
url-15

-Cause of Rage:
The Chicago Blackhawks.
url-16

Ever the hurdle the Minnesota Wild just. can’t. seem. to. overcome. We are still not out of the running for this year’s playoffs yet, but so far the outlook seems to be repeating its drear history.

Seriously Chicago, can’t you just give us this win? We are the State of Hockey. If anyone deserves the Stanley Cup, it’s us.

•Level of Rage

HAAAAAAWKS!!!

HAAAAAAWKS!!!

 

-Cause of Rage:
Getting shamed for enjoying red meat.
Carmella being coy with steak bone in mouth
Or Hipsters shaming me in general.

Look, I get it. I really do. But popular stuff is sometimes popular for a reason.

And. You. Can. Not. Keep. Me. From. Red. Meat.

Sure as shit, I will sniff out the blood of thine bovine enemies.

Sure as shit, I will sniff out the blood of thine bovine enemies.

 

•Level of Rage:

And don't try to pass off any of that 'Blood Orange' meat off on me. So pretentious.

And don’t try to pass off any of that ‘Blood Orange’ meat off on me.
So pretentious.

 

– Cause of Rage:
When people ask if I’m seeing ‘anyone special’.
url-18

 

I know the oodles and oodles of caring (read: nosy) people out there are trying to help, but this question infuriates me, no matter how often it rears its head. The frequency definitely adds to the frustration because I am running out of ways to avoid the inquiry.

Hey! Look over there! Beautiful flowers!!

Hey! Look over there!
Beautiful flowers!!

 

•Level of Rage:
url-9

 

-Cause of Rage:
Similar people trying to fix me up with someone.

This mainly happens at work. Just when I think I’ve dodged the previous question, they get the notion that I need further assistance in the matter and suggest some ‘swell fellows’.
url-19

Not to sound like a jerk, but some of these menu recommendations have to be seen to be believed.

Actually, most are perfectly non-mutant looking humans, they’re just not my type. Which makes it difficult to decline these offers in a nice way.

• Level of Awkward:
url-20

•Level of Rage:
url-10

But while that (and many more personal things) all boils within me, I still manage to find relief by swaying to Enya music, cracking open a cold bottle of Leine’s, and writing a narcissistic vent-blog about it!

Cheers, Muchachos!

Cheers, Muchachos!

 

Face, meet Palm.

Today I would like to discuss an extremely common phenomena… or phenomenon? mena? menon…. Mahna Mahna.

(click it. you know you want to)

Anyways.. yeah lemme tell you the thing.

Raise your hand if you’ve been personally victimized by Regina George ever had embarrassing moments as a young person. Okay, good. Now for all you asshats who did not raise your hand, please leave the figurative room immediately, and set up an appointment with the nearest Proctologist to find your head.

We’ve all been there right? Embarrassing crushes? Terrible poems you wrote as a teen? Various stages of self-urination? Friends, I’ve done it all. And in some sick, twisted desire to place another lock on my self-inflicted chastity belt, I am going to divulge some of the more embarrassing things I have done as a wee bairn.

I suppose I am going full-out with my self-depreciating aspect of my sense of humor in order to confront my faults/issues once and for all. Let this stand for a lesson that you all need to learn to laugh at yourselves, so that no one can use your personal humiliation to overpower you.

Image

Easy for Tyrion to say, he never posted dirty Harry Potter FanFiction on his MySpace account.

But even if you don’t walk away learning that ever important lesson in life, I can assure you that you will most likely feel less embarrassed about your own life after reading some of my gems, and will most likely get a good laugh at my expense. Go ahead, laugh away, I find it quite hilarious too.

Without further ado, here is
Emily’s Unorganized List of Mortifying Shit She’s Done.

1. I once wet my pants at school in first grade. (haha, like that was the only time). My solution to this was to pour more water on them until they were totally soaked. I then played it off like I fell into a puddle. On a non-rainy day. Before we even had recess that day. 


2. I brought a real goose foot to show and tell in the second grade.My mom’s boyfriend was plucking/skinning/Jeffrey Dahmer-ing his hunted geese, and I was so excited about the feathers and various leavings, that I just HAD to bring in those treasures to show the class. I then proceeded to put some feathers and a dismembered goose foot into a ziploc bag, and take it to show and tell. Surprisingly, I was not sent away to the asylum I clearly needed.

Image

3. I had a crush on a guy, and later found out he was my second cousin. But it was okay, because you have your cousin, then your first cousin, then your second cousin and he was like a totally good kisser (kidding).
Image
(call me)

4. I sang a solo at Bible Camp for ABSOLUTELY NO GOOD REASON. In front of the entire mess hall. It was, “When You Say Nothing At All.” I remember announcing it as my ‘love song to God.’
Image

5. Frequently and incorrectly used the term ‘Hanky Panky’ in elementary school. I always thought it was just some old timey way of saying ‘hang-out’. By the time I reached 6th grade, I had done the Hanky-Panky with some guys and many, many girls. I was a regular Lothario.
Image

6. In 6th grade, I wrote a love note to my crush, asking him out. When that crashed an burned into a horrible rejective disaster, I stayed in the bathroom for 3 hours. The principal had to come in and scold me before I would come out. That’s how you know it was true love.

7. I frequently flipped classmates the bird in Kindergarten. My siblings taught me how and I didn’t realize it was bad until I got into a LOT of trouble by the teacher.
Image
Or maybe I learned it elsewhere, I’m not sure.

8. I bit someone at school and left a scar. I was forever known for biting that kid. It was sort of hard to make friends after that.
Image
(He knowth the feelth. It thuckth.)

9. I got the lead in the school play, and fell off the stage. I was also quite famous for that.

10. I wrote a personal ‘essay’? on what I thought sex was, when I was around 10. It was found, but I don’t remember by who. I have since repressed that memory in a deep, dark place.
Image
11. In high school, I came up with a self-appointed nickname, and constantly used it on myself. It wasn’t even that creative: Em-Dawg. I put it as my yearbook nickname, I have it on clothing, I also made my own logo (a dog shaped like an ‘M’) and made my own ‘gang symbol’.
Image

12. I called people ‘chodes’ in junior high. I did not know the true nature of the word. I thought it was synonymous with ‘putz’.
Image
(and for those of you innocents out there: chode means stubby phallus)

13. In 3rd grade, I wore a Bacardi hat to school on Beach Dress-up Day. In my defense, I did not know what Bacardi was, and it was bright pink, and it had a palm tree and a parrot on it, AND my teachers never forced me to take it off. Am I really to blame here?

14. I catfished myself. Yes, it’s true. In a fit of total ‘forever alone’ness, I made up a boyfriend in junior high. It started off small, but it quickly snowballed into a borderline-sociopathic web of lies and mistaken identities that would take years to get over.
Image
Hey, don’t judge me! You people all thought it was a wonderfully fun thing when Olive Penderghast did it.
Image
Girl, I feel you.

15. I used to think I was am hot shit. Oh you silly, stupid girl, you. You should never become too pompous in your abilities because if there’s one thing I’ve consistently learned is that, “No matter how good you are at something, there is always someone better.”
Image
Now I’m not saying, “Don’t be proud of your abilities.” You need to accept and be proud of your skills. Going to your full potential with positive activities that you are passionate about will almost undoubtedly make the world a better place.

Just don’t turn into a big cocky jerk with it. If it has been a while since life has knocked you on your infinitesimal ass, make sure you serve yourself some humble pie before someone else does. It will almost always go a little smoother if you do it yourself.
Well, check back in about a week or so, and see if this humblebrag extravaganza was a miraculous fail. If I seemed to fall off the face of the blogospere, it will mean that I have trusted this delicate information with the wrong people.

Image

Or it will simply mean that I do not care how much I will be teased for the things on this list, and am most likely taking another blog-siesta.
Image

I will take what is mine with Fire and Blog

Greetings to you all!

As you may have noticed, I enjoy a little series by the name of Game of Thrones. And by ‘enjoy’ I mean ‘obsess heavily’.
Image

There are many things that draw me to this show. Like the richly woven plot filled with devious plots and complex characters.

And by that I mean the constant stream of pointless nudity and gratuitous savagery.

But among all that premium-cable feast for my mature eyes, there are many lessons that the show has taught me, that I will now share with you.

Before we begin, let’s have a little disclaimer from our favorite crazed, fire-worshipping sorceress.
url-2

1.The Geek Shall Inherit The Earth

I already wrote a whole post on this (click above to catch up) but if there’s one thing that this show has taught me is that while fantasy-genre lovers have historically led a very virginal lifestyle (not by choice), this show has now become one of the most popular shows around.

So to all of you geeks out there who normally strike out in the love department:

Just tell that special gal you’ve had your eye on that you watch Game of Thrones, and she will gladly go home with you.

Just play this when things are about to get hot and heavy.

2. If someone seems sketchy, or BLATANTLY TELLS YOU not to trust them, do NOT trust them.

url

Oh Ned. Stupid, honorable, dead Ned. The only way to play this game is with dirty hands and Littlefingers.
Let’s hope that the rest of the Starks are a little more wary of the questionable people of Westeros.

url-1
…so much for that.

3. Don’t be so quick to judge.
url-1
You never know how your own dirty laundry may compare.
url
(Incest is purely a metaphor here.)

4. R+L=JS(T) 5eva.

Sorry, that little tidbit was for the book readers. It’s our calling card.

5. Try not to get discouraged if you lose your way in a hopeless situation.
It’ll sometimes work out.
url-5

6. Or life can continually be very shitty and deal you terrible hands at every turn.
url-2
Hang in there.

7.Don’t underestimate a woman.
brienne 2url-6url-3
Bro, do you even conquer?

8. Just because a woman may seem kind and fair, does not mean she is weak.
url-4

As Poison so eloquently sang, “Every Rose has its thorn.”

9. Don’t underestimate young people.
url-7
url-8
Strongest powers, much?

10. Don’t underestimate the elderly.
url-9
She’s not called the Queen of Thorns for nothing, people. You shall see.

11. Small men cast large shadows.
url-2

 

And attract legions of fans.

12. Beware of questionable fertility trends.
url-10
If you and your loved one are looking to conceive, beware of new-age trendy smoke-baby methods.

13. Every time you ask George R.R. Martin when he will release Winds of Winter, he kills off another character.
There is only one thing we say to the God of Death: Just take your time and take as long as you need to finish the books.

14. Don’t push the ones you love too far. They can only take so much before they’ll reach their breaking point.
url-11
….fore….
url-12

…shadowing…

15. If a deal seems too good to be true, it probably is.
url-4
url-5
url-6

16.Having skills with the ladies is great, but sometimes it IS important to work on having a nice personality to fall back on.
url-7
You never know when some sadistic bastard (literally) will chop off your main assets.

17. No matter how devoted your fandom may be, there will always be people a bit more… zealous.

Game of Thrones BDSM Festival, <– anyone?

18. You’d be surprised how much a person can redeem themselves.

Some characters that have had very horrible traits at first…
url-13

..incest…
url-14

…enthusiastically murdering others…
url-15
….rape….

…were ones I unexpectedly grew very fond of.

19. There can be only one winner in this game.
I think we all are aware of who I’d like that to be.
WItp0EB

20. …and most importantly…

Hodor hodor, hodor; hodor hodor hodor.
url-16

Until next time, Lords and Ladies!

Zom-Bie-Agressive! Got To Be Aggressive!

Hello everyone!

As I’m sure you’ve all gathered:
1. The Walking Dead ended its season.
Image
(See you next October my corpsey comrade!)

2. I bring it up way too much.

I am going to stick with that list and throw another list your way in order to celebrate/bid adieu to that portion of my tv cycle:
Magical list of Unexpected People I’d want on my Zombie Apocalypse Team

1. April Ludgate

Why, you may ask?
Image

Because she’s pretty savagely awesome and not afraid to spill the blood of some innocents to get ahead in life.

But mainly… I’m going with a play on her name and setting her up as an APRIL FOOLS!!

I am too lazy to come up with more people to fill this list but potential list items included:

Joaquin Phoenix because he would be able to make love/find a way to procreate with machines if it ever came down to that.
Image

Larry King, because I am convinced that the man is immortal. (He also blends in splendidly with the zombie population).

Image

And Big Red. Because she sizzles, she scorches, and passes torches. We all know fire is an excellent zombie-killer.
Image

Take heart readers, another legitimate blog post is coming soon. And it will not be slack-off time. Because it will be about a subject I care very very very deeply about.

Here is a hint.

Image
Blogs are coming….