Summertime Sadness: A Reflection on My Dating Life

So..

This is sorta awkward guys. I know it’s been a while. I know you may be coping with some abandonment issues. I know I am grossly overestimating how much people actually like this blog. But, explanations will be given anyways.It’s summer everyone! It means festivals, friends, beach, outside, ice cream, copious thigh sweat, and ant infestations.

I’m not even going to pretend to care what you foolish mortals have done with your spare time, but I have been up to quite a bit.

For one: IT’s Summer! I’ve been enjoying the pleasant weather. And by that I mean “FUCKING CONSTANT BARRAGE OF RAIN” Seriously though. It’s excessive. We now have 20,000 lakes. In times like these I still try to keep a positive outlook on the situation.

Besides, we all know if it was over 75 degrees, my summer would pretty much wind up like this:

But yes, outdoors. I have committed numerous outdoor acts in the recent months.

I went camping! It was wonderful and only had a max of three parasitic organisms draining me of my life-force. No, I was not attacked by ticks or mosquitos draining me of my blood. The parasites in question were my lovely  nieces* and the aforementioned life-force happens to be 4g service on my cell phone. So, like the terrible people we all were, we spent each night binge-watching Adventure Time rather than ‘becoming one with nature’ or some sentimental crap like that.

*I seriously never would insult my nieces on a public platform. Any seemingly negative qualities I may attribute to them are only ones I myself would be equally guilty of. I most likely taught them terrible things :-).

There was still plenty of fun to be had outdoors. We went kite flying! Which, apparently becomes hard as Satanic Hell when you pass the age of 18.

This is what happens when you Google: ‘Kite Fail’ btw.
(Accurate Depiction)

If camping will always be like that wonderful weekend, then count me in for more!

Hmm. What else was done in the dreadful outdoors? Ah yes, training for my first 5K. It is coming along quite fast (in one week) and have recently discovered shocking new developments that have led me to drastically change my preparations.

All that time. Spent in outdoor Tiki Bars…. spent for naught.

 

I also have been driving profusely to visit friends and family, setting stuff on fire, and some other outdoorsy stuff. If you really wanna know what I all did outside, just check out my Instagram. As a true Millennial, I can’t possibly let my mediocre adventures go undocumented.

Okay. Let’s see. Now for indoor activities…

oh yeah, of course.

I watched ALL episodes of Orange Is The New Black in one sitting. I’m not even regretting it. I’m not even sorry. That show just has some sort of effect on me.

Okay no, not THAT effect.
C’mon guys. That’s what Fan-Fic is for…

But no. Somehow I made it through ALL THE EPISODES. And wound up in a mind-blown haze of wonder and bewilderment.

I WOKE UP LIKE DIS

Did I realize the abject horror one person [Vee] could unleash upon the inmates?
Absolutely not.

Did I realize that the superb writing would shake my own self-filled backstories to the core and change how I perceived seemingly harmless characters [Morello]?
No way!

Did I really think I could possibly find new character favorites [POUSSEY!!] in the midsts of one of the strongest ensembles on television?

So yeah. Season 2 was pure brilliance. Moving on.

So guys, the real reason I’ve taken to slacker-status on my blogging is because I’ve made another venture out in the realm of dating. I take breaks from dating because 1. I am too freaking awkward 2. It gets physically and mentally exhausting trying to switch that off to impress someone. 3. I usually have to drain that preciously finite energy from other sources, ie: the delightfully cliche pun-making, gif-herding, and meta self-depreciation that comprises this ‘blog’.

But yes. I am ready again. Let us hope this attempt is much different than other times. Well, actually it is. Way different. But I maybe will extrapolate on that all one fine day.

Anyways. Explanations, yeah? You see, normally when I get back on a dating kick, I now result to a no-shame beeline for online dating. Getting to type a fully contrived persona before meeting someone? My confidence exudes as follows:

It’s going dowwwn.
I’m yelling “TINDERRRRR!!”

 

However, since this dating venture is super drastically different in ways unknown to some and possibly obvious to others, I did not make a beeline to such methods.

Somehow, miraculously, I have still met a few people. Some have been a tad underwhelming and have clearly NOT read the guidelines I listed in a potential mate.

Some of these potential people have been quite wonderful. But then I screw it up. Before you try to accept my pity-party invitation, please know that the statement is scathingly true. I am awkward as shit and it seriously gets in the way.

Seriously, let me paint you a picture of some of my bloopers that send the others running.

– Discussing the fact that I came up with my own ‘sexy’ choreography to the Disney song, ‘Be Prepared’ (Scar’s song).

In my defense… How could you NOT?

– Explaining the Socialist implications of how game boosts are given in Mario Kart.

– Revealing that my love of pickles has conditioned me in a Pavlovian (yes I actually said Pavlovian) way to legitimately begin drooling when I see a pickle jar.

-Making creepily early references to any sort of romantic connection on a public blog.

Now, there are plenty more dumb errors I have made. It has led to some people understandably exiting the situation. It has also left some remaining stragglers.

Just in time for stage 2!

Now, sensibly, if someone puts up with those initial ridiculous shenanigans, I would realize they are actually sorta interested and you know, chill?

Absolutely freaking NOT.

You see, now is the time that I hold unnaturally deep conversations with people. Just words. All the time.

It begins innocently. It really does. You see guys, I cannot just have a purely physical connection with someone. They need them a purdy brain before they can be ready for this Jelly. It can still wind up being a somewhat ‘casual’ relationship thing with that person.

It just unfortunately seems like I am trying to ‘wife the shit outta them’ (actual statement I’ve heard). That is not the case, however.

I have decided that it breaks down to this: You know how some people can casually throw around their kitty?

Or some wait until marriage. Whatever you do is fine! As long as you do you!

Well I can respect and understand those women who just wanna casually throw around their kitty as long they’re safe, consenting, happy, etc, awesome! But I am just NOT one of those girls.

Instead of casually throwing my kitty, I casually throw around my soul and personality. I get a real joy out of making a connection with someone. It fulfills me just like that. It doesn’t always need to escalate. It doesn’t need to evolve into a lofty-label. It doesn’t mean I am planning the names of our unborn.

It simply means this: I am connecting with you on a deeper level than the general public, and I am enjoying the CURRENT MOMENT of it all. The ONLY implication this will give of future events is of potential kitty-throwing.

TL;DR: I’m not trying to be a wife here. I’m just a weirdo that still needs an emotional connection even in more casual relationships.

If you fools seriously thought I explained this to my dates and cleared the confusion, GTFO. You have clearly not grasped my eloquent depiction of my inherent ability NOT to simplify things.

Instead of keeping it simple and open, I just babbled. More. And more. And more. And when confronted with my completely unsexy tendency to babble, I simply began backpedalling. Instead of the proper route which is: ‘Chill the Fuck out’ I just kept up with the word vomit. Eventually all my words became a revolting clusterfuck.

So much so, I’ve taken to calling the whole phenomenon RAT KING. Don’t know what that is? Well, Google it. I’ll wait here.. because it’s absolutely disgusting. Which is precisely how I feel about my antics when I screw things up like this.

So naturally, I have had the inevitable “We should just be friends” statement thrown my way. It sucks. But I get it. I really need to do an overhaul here.

I have a lesson throughout all of this, folks. Stop overthinking. Stop trying to rationalize and talk your way through things that really SHOULDN’T be rationalized. Just do. Just be. Just live. You’re going to get a lot more respect and happiness that way. If not from others, then definitely from yourself.

 

You Mad, Bro?

Hello, my wonderful fruit snacks!

Bet you weren’t expecting a post so soon, were you?

If you should know one thing, its that I do not go by any sort of standards on this thing. These posts are totally rando and you can never expect when they may just pop up.

I am writing today to address an issue that has plagued me for a long time.

My tendency to rage.

(not that kind of rage)

More along the lines of this.

I have since evolved from my school age tendencies to bite others and smack a classmate’s applesauce on the floor and learned to control my emotions.

But guys, there are some days that almost drive me back into those dark times. If it was not an immediately fireable offense, I know for a fact I would throw my supervisor’s applesauce on the floor and scream “That’s for pushing me down the wet slide and telling Billy I peed my pants!!!”

I seriously had the type of day today that would have landed that story into the embarrassing reality of a police report.
What about my life could be that bad to send me in such fits of rage?

Well, nothing life-alteringly terrible. All in all, I have a life better than most. And most of these things that settle inside me are a whole lotta FWP’s… but they still are the epitome of TEH SUCK.

Let me express myself about some of these triggers I face in my life (before bad things happen). In THINGS THAT MAKE ME RAGE

First and foremost, I just want to express a common source of rage: video games. Although, I have not played some of these in a while, you can hopefully understand what the general tone will be for the remainder of the post.

-Cause of Rage:
Kingdom Hearts Bonus Villains

 

 

Big Ben? More like Big PAIN-IN-THE-EVERLOVING-ASS

 

Even though you aren’t required to defeat neither Sephiroth or the Big Ben Phantom in order to complete the story, that just makes the frustration all too real. It’s as if they know I can’t beat them, so they sit in their hidey-holes, knowing I cannot revel in my game victory until I smite them upon the grounds of Hollow Bastion.

•Level of Rage:

-Cause of Rage:
Stagecoach racing in Red Dead Redemption.

I love this game, I really do. It captures the Old West in a really cool way. Also, the action controls are very authentic.

That’s the problem. Steering a stagecoach and trying to turn a team of horses around is hard as shit. While you’re stuck trying to deal with this realistic problem, you usually get murdered by a band of smelly outlaws, or mauled my a passerby cougar. The Old West is hard.

•Level of Rage:

 

-Cause of Rage:
A certain beloved show (c’mon you guys should know this by now) changing up a bunch of stuff from a certain even more beloved book series. (In case you’re confused… Game of Thrones, #getOnMyLevel).

• Level of Rage

NIGHT’S KING?!?!
That was meant for book 6 or later!
Now it’s ALL ruined!!

 

The rage of a show/movie completely effing up its book counterpart is a rage I have endured many a time, yet each stray step away from the books is just as painful as ever.

– Cause of Rage:
Shows getting rid of enjoyable characters.

Mad Men, which is but a mere shadow of its former self, has not shown one of my favorite side characters in a while.
Miss Trudy Campbell, the person who put all of her hopes and dreams into the hands of this skeeze:

Only to have him inevitably ruin her beautiful life!
Once the imminent demise of their doomed marriage came to pass, I was certain they’d have all sorts of plot concepts for the newly freed Trudy, and what did they deliver? Zilch.

• Level of Rage:

FYI, Pete-MOFO-Campbell, if you happen to be reading this, hope you thought it was worth it to cheat on this:

So THAT’S what she’s been up to.
You do you, girl!

 

Another show to commit this terrible crime is Glee.

A show which has massively decreased in a quality that wasn’t all that high in the first place, is rumored to have canned its arguably best character (sorry Rachel). Santana Lopez was/is the only reason I have stuck with this sinking ship, and now it is my time to escape.

•Level of Rage:

-Cause of Rage:
Shows turning into horrible awful train wrecks you cannot peel your eyes away from, and remain watching them out of a sick, masochistic, duty to pop-culture.

…there are too many shows that fit this category.

• Level of Rage:

-Cause of Rage:
Nefarious pickle jars… or other hard-to-access vittles.

CHIP RAAAAGE!!

Yes, it took me a week to open a damn jar of pickles. Go ahead, laugh. See where it gets you.

•Level of Rage:

-Cause of Rage:
Derpy, yet maddeningly persistent cowlick on the back of my head.

The devious bastard seems to sprout at very inopportune moments, and no amount of coaxing will tame the wild menace.
Special thanks to all of you people who repeatedly inform me when this occurs…

(as if I didn’t already know!)

•Level of Rage:

 

 

-Cause of Rage:
“Happy” By Pharell Williams.

I don’t need to post a video. I don’t want to post a video. This song makes me feel many things, but ‘happy’ is not one of them.

•Level of Rage:

-Cause of Rage:
The Chicago Blackhawks.

Ever the hurdle the Minnesota Wild just. can’t. seem. to. overcome. We are still not out of the running for this year’s playoffs yet, but so far the outlook seems to be repeating its drear history.

Seriously Chicago, can’t you just give us this win? We are the State of Hockey. If anyone deserves the Stanley Cup, it’s us.

•Level of Rage

HAAAAAAWKS!!!

 

-Cause of Rage:
Getting shamed for enjoying red meat.

Or Hipsters shaming me in general.

Look, I get it. I really do. But popular stuff is sometimes popular for a reason.

And. You. Can. Not. Keep. Me. From. Red. Meat.

Sure as shit, I will sniff out the blood of thine bovine enemies.

 

•Level of Rage:

And don’t try to pass off any of that ‘Blood Orange’ meat off on me.
So pretentious.

 

– Cause of Rage:
When people ask if I’m seeing ‘anyone special’.

 

I know the oodles and oodles of caring (read: nosy) people out there are trying to help, but this question infuriates me, no matter how often it rears its head. The frequency definitely adds to the frustration because I am running out of ways to avoid the inquiry.

Hey! Look over there!
Beautiful flowers!!

 

•Level of Rage:

 

-Cause of Rage:
Similar people trying to fix me up with someone.

This mainly happens at work. Just when I think I’ve dodged the previous question, they get the notion that I need further assistance in the matter and suggest some ‘swell fellows’.

Not to sound like a jerk, but some of these menu recommendations have to be seen to be believed.

Actually, most are perfectly non-mutant looking humans, they’re just not my type. Which makes it difficult to decline these offers in a nice way.

• Level of Awkward:

•Level of Rage:

But while that (and many more personal things) all boils within me, I still manage to find relief by swaying to Enya music, cracking open a cold bottle of Leine’s, and writing a narcissistic vent-blog about it!

Cheers, Muchachos!

 

Face, meet Palm.

Today I would like to discuss an extremely common phenomena… or phenomenon? mena? menon…. Mahna Mahna.

(click it. you know you want to)

Anyways.. yeah lemme tell you the thing.

Raise your hand if you’ve been personally victimized by Regina George ever had embarrassing moments as a young person. Okay, good. Now for all you asshats who did not raise your hand, please leave the figurative room immediately, and set up an appointment with the nearest Proctologist to find your head.

We’ve all been there right? Embarrassing crushes? Terrible poems you wrote as a teen? Various stages of self-urination? Friends, I’ve done it all. And in some sick, twisted desire to place another lock on my self-inflicted chastity belt, I am going to divulge some of the more embarrassing things I have done as a wee bairn.

I suppose I am going full-out with my self-depreciating aspect of my sense of humor in order to confront my faults/issues once and for all. Let this stand for a lesson that you all need to learn to laugh at yourselves, so that no one can use your personal humiliation to overpower you.

Easy for Tyrion to say, he never posted dirty Harry Potter FanFiction on his MySpace account.

But even if you don’t walk away learning that ever important lesson in life, I can assure you that you will most likely feel less embarrassed about your own life after reading some of my gems, and will most likely get a good laugh at my expense. Go ahead, laugh away, I find it quite hilarious too.

Without further ado, here is
Emily’s Unorganized List of Mortifying Shit She’s Done.

1. I once wet my pants at school in first grade. (haha, like that was the only time). My solution to this was to pour more water on them until they were totally soaked. I then played it off like I fell into a puddle. On a non-rainy day. Before we even had recess that day. 

2. I brought a real goose foot to show and tell in the second grade.My mom’s boyfriend was plucking/skinning/Jeffrey Dahmer-ing his hunted geese, and I was so excited about the feathers and various leavings, that I just HAD to bring in those treasures to show the class. I then proceeded to put some feathers and a dismembered goose foot into a ziploc bag, and take it to show and tell. Surprisingly, I was not sent away to the asylum I clearly needed.

3. I had a crush on a guy, and later found out he was my second cousin. But it was okay, because you have your cousin, then your first cousin, then your second cousin and he was like a totally good kisser (kidding).

(call me)

4. I sang a solo at Bible Camp for ABSOLUTELY NO GOOD REASON. In front of the entire mess hall. It was, “When You Say Nothing At All.” I remember announcing it as my ‘love song to God.’

5. Frequently and incorrectly used the term ‘Hanky Panky’ in elementary school. I always thought it was just some old timey way of saying ‘hang-out’. By the time I reached 6th grade, I had done the Hanky-Panky with some guys and many, many girls. I was a regular Lothario.

6. In 6th grade, I wrote a love note to my crush, asking him out. When that crashed an burned into a horrible rejective disaster, I stayed in the bathroom for 3 hours. The principal had to come in and scold me before I would come out. That’s how you know it was true love.

7. I frequently flipped classmates the bird in Kindergarten. My siblings taught me how and I didn’t realize it was bad until I got into a LOT of trouble by the teacher.

Or maybe I learned it elsewhere, I’m not sure.

8. I bit someone at school and left a scar. I was forever known for biting that kid. It was sort of hard to make friends after that.

(He knowth the feelth. It thuckth.)

9. I got the lead in the school play, and fell off the stage. I was also quite famous for that.

10. I wrote a personal ‘essay’? on what I thought sex was, when I was around 10. It was found, but I don’t remember by who. I have since repressed that memory in a deep, dark place.

11. In high school, I came up with a self-appointed nickname, and constantly used it on myself. It wasn’t even that creative: Em-Dawg. I put it as my yearbook nickname, I have it on clothing, I also made my own logo (a dog shaped like an ‘M’) and made my own ‘gang symbol’.

12. I called people ‘chodes’ in junior high. I did not know the true nature of the word. I thought it was synonymous with ‘putz’.

(and for those of you innocents out there: chode means stubby phallus)

13. In 3rd grade, I wore a Bacardi hat to school on Beach Dress-up Day. In my defense, I did not know what Bacardi was, and it was bright pink, and it had a palm tree and a parrot on it, AND my teachers never forced me to take it off. Am I really to blame here?

14. I catfished myself. Yes, it’s true. In a fit of total ‘forever alone’ness, I made up a boyfriend in junior high. It started off small, but it quickly snowballed into a borderline-sociopathic web of lies and mistaken identities that would take years to get over.

Hey, don’t judge me! You people all thought it was a wonderfully fun thing when Olive Penderghast did it.

Girl, I feel you.

15. I used to think I was am hot shit. Oh you silly, stupid girl, you. You should never become too pompous in your abilities because if there’s one thing I’ve consistently learned is that, “No matter how good you are at something, there is always someone better.”

Now I’m not saying, “Don’t be proud of your abilities.” You need to accept and be proud of your skills. Going to your full potential with positive activities that you are passionate about will almost undoubtedly make the world a better place.

Just don’t turn into a big cocky jerk with it. If it has been a while since life has knocked you on your infinitesimal ass, make sure you serve yourself some humble pie before someone else does. It will almost always go a little smoother if you do it yourself.
Well, check back in about a week or so, and see if this humblebrag extravaganza was a miraculous fail. If I seemed to fall off the face of the blogospere, it will mean that I have trusted this delicate information with the wrong people.

Or it will simply mean that I do not care how much I will be teased for the things on this list, and am most likely taking another blog-siesta.

Ragnarok’N’Roll

Hello everyone.

I was trying to come up with some sort of a list for this week because I’ve come to realize I tend to write a little better in list form. Call it an addiction to Buzzfeed, call it a childhood of glorious VH1 countdowns, call it a detached urge to compartmentalize every facet in my life in a hopeless attempt to emotionally distance myself. (Did I mention I started seeing a shrink?)

Point is, I cannot think of some sort of handy-dandy list for this week so prepare for another ramble! Nah, I don’t want to drive you readers (all.. 5 of you?) away. So here you go the ultimate list of the week.

Blogs I Wrote This Week

1.

So I had considered writing about Valentines Day back when that was still a thing but I decided against it. Because I already wrote about relationship stuff recently and I am infamously lazy (see: shameless copout above). Also, my Valentines Day was pretty low key. It was mainly filled with alternating dances to
This:

And This:

I sat in bed eating microwave quesadillas, drinking bourbon, and catching up on Downton Abbey…

She may not be, but y’all should be impressed. That’s some classy shit, people.

Well as I was doing that as well as other stuff and things.

….speaking of ‘Stuff… and Thangs’, one of my favorite shows, The Walking Dead, has returned! Or as I like to call it, The Women Badasses.


And last but not least:

One more for Glenn Coco(Rhee)

Wow…You go Glenn Coco(Rhee)!!

Aside from my copious tv immersion, I ACTUALLY WENT OUT AND DID STUFF RECENTLY!!

I went to the Mall of America, which always struck me odd that a shopping center would be Minnesota’s international claim to fame. When I think of all the latest and most high-end fashions, the Midwest usually doesn’t come to mind.

Since my timing is as always, impeccably horrendous, I decided to make this venture during the recent Snowpocalypse known as Winter Storm Seneca. I tried to sing to calm my nerves during the fearful drive.

But then I realized my cheerful ballads would have no effect on what was clearly happening here.

Ragnarok, the Norse Apocalypse. This torrential barrage of snow, chaos, and destruction was clearly the act of the Frost Giants bringing humanity to its knees to be ready for the One True Ruler to conquer Earth.

I then abandoned all worry because I knew humanity would be in capable, beautiful, magnificent… -ahem, hands.

After perusing the mall for a while, I attended Red Bull Crashed Ice!

“But Emily,” You may be asking, “Whatever is Red Bull Crashed Ice?”

Well, if you’d like, you can click here for a more detailed explanation.
But if you’re one of those people who actually expect me to write detailed accounts of my life experiences on my blog, ugh.. I guess…

Red Bull Crashed Ice is an international extreme sports event where skaters from all around the world must compete in an obstacle course ice race track. The track that was used in St. Paul had a 5 story drop, plenty of jumps, a 180 degree turn, and all other agents of chaos.

Did I mention that four big tough skaters must navigate this narrow death trap at the same time? Races pretty much go like this:

TOTAL DESTRUCTION!!!!

But all in all it was a complete blast to watch, and there were miraculously no major injuries sustained during the event. It was well worth the few hours of spectating in 8 degree weather.

Overall, I would give this weekend a 3.5/4 horsemen on the Apocalypse scale.

Until next time everyone! (If Loki wills it)

Redesign

Hello everyone,

I am trying out a new design. Hopefully it works out. As of now, I do not have a post. I have been too busy with discovering new life mysteries.

I also have finally procured Pokemon X. Will I be leaving my house anytime soon? Stay tuned 🙂

What’s crack-a-lackin?

Hello all of my special people!

I write you this week at the end of an era. After this week I will no longer be working at the Chiropractor clinic I am employed at, and will be entirely immersed into the full time status of my new job. I have really enjoyed working there and have had many good, bad, and intriguing experiences there. If you are a close friend of mine, you may have heard these stories before. If so…

Before I regale you with my epic workplace saga, I must issue some disclaimers.
1. Due to privacy, no names will be used. Not even where I work. If you happen to know, shut your damn mouth. In order to maintain privacy, if names are used, they will be fake. Hell, some of the stories may even be fake. That’ll really make you messed up!

2. I will be poking fun at people who may or may not be real. Most of them are elderly. I just want to take the time to say that I generally respect and admire the elderly people I deal with. I love the elderly and their adorable dance moves.

And their all around badassery and swag!

I also know that there are bad apples in every age group. Which are also known to spawn their bad behavior within the confines of the clinic.

That being said, please do not take any offense to these stories because most of these patients were like family to me and I will miss them very much.

I was originally hired over a year ago to be a CA, or Chiropractic Assistant. I was to go in after the Doctor finished his adjustments and perform various therapies on the patients. Ranging from a mechanical message that sweet old women graciously and naively coined ‘the vibrator’, to therapeutic ultrasounds and electric muscle stimulation. Essentially this was the general name of the game:

When I began my first few days, everyone was excited to see a new face. I got bombarded with questions. It seems all of the old hens hadn’t had the excitement of a new chick in the coop for a while, so they needed the inside scoop.

I mainly got question after question about my marital status. The conversations would usually go as follows…

Are you married?
No.
Well how old are you?
23.
Well goodness girl! You need to get out there and find yourself a husband!
I would but I already married the tree in my yard thus completing my unity with Gaia.
*some dialogue may have been changed*

If I wasn’t dealing with the delightfully snippy old women, I was dealing with the old men. Having a young woman consistently close to them while they were partially clothed didn’t always bring out the best in some of them. Most of the time I heard smooth lines such as, “A pretty little thing like you could do that to me all day!”

Although I cannot blame them for some of their comments. Most of them grew up in an era where you told your secretary “Good job!” by a nice pat on her behind.

Another delightful aspect of work was the receptionist. She had the strongest accent possible (as well as most of the patients). Names like Fuchs and Schultz were pronounced “Fooks and Shootz”. I rarely heard a time when an ‘s’ sound didn’t have an ‘h’ attached to it. “Go ahead and schtick it on the wall.”

(excellent portrayal)

I had other job duties as well. I handled patient files and helped the transition of electronic records. I had to go on the phone and make recalls to former patients where I would get a barrage of hostility and excuses.
I wish it went like that.

I also was not only confused for being a Chiropractor myself, but a medical Doctor as well. I frequently received inquiries about mysterious rashes and symptoms that dealt with unusual amounts of bodily secretions. And would occasionally come across some people who mistook the Chiropractor for the ER.

*cough cough*
Oh my, you don’t sound very well at all.
I’m not! I just got back to the doctor, he said I have a very bad case of Pneumonia and need to be on bedrest for the next week.
Please excuse me while I douse myself in this rubbing alcohol.

But all in all it was a great experience. I knew that most of the patients cared about me deeply and I felt the same way. For all of the times I had to hear old women eagerly tell me to “Use the vibrator on me!” Or work day in and day out during various election seasons…
There were plenty of great conversations over the years. I knew I was providing more than just Chiropractic therapies, I was providing a listening ear to their shenanigans at the senior center or fish fry, I was telling them about various activities I had done that previous weekend that they were kind enough to remember, I learned and appreciated the effects of various weather patterns on that year’s crop output, I got lots of useful advice and support.

I will miss them all, and look forward to being a patient all my own. But now comes the time where I must move on to the next chapter, pull on my big girl panties, and…

:3 Mi Gato es Muy Guapo :3

I am back!

After having one of the most trying months of my life, I am ready to write again.

In case most of you didn’t know, I lost one of my sisters last month. She was very dear to me. And while this will be my first attempt at writing humorous pieces again (go easy on me), it is not as a sign of disrespect, but simply an attempt to get some joy back into my life. It is also important that I keep up this blog because she was an avid supporter of this little project.

I have also gone through plenty of smaller problems this year, which range from breakups, job losses, my car breaking down, and other various points of inspiration for hokey country songs. But I have overcome most of these (no there was no Grand Ol Opry appearance) and have actually landed a full time, real job!  Look out world, workplace Emily is here!

(and that is my mantra)

First things first, let me get back into my random song sampling.

1. The Fox – Ylvis

I don’t actually have this song in my library, but felt the need to talk about it. What the hell people? Why is this viral? What is going on in Norway? Don’t do drugs, kids.

2. Sweet Emotion – Aerosmith (party at the moon tower)
3.For What It’s Worth – Buffalo Springfield
An accurate summary of this Federal Shutdown madness written about 50 years ago.
4. Katy Perry – Roar
Official song of the 2013 WNBA Champions, the Lynx!!
5. Howlin’ For You – Black Keys
6. Life In A Northern Town – Sugarland
7. After The Storm – Mumford & Sons
8. Fried Hockey Boogie – Canned Heat
9. Teenage Dirtbag – Scala & Kolacny Brothers (great cover)
10. Over You – Miranda Lambert (I love you Jennie, RIP)

After all that’s happened during my little hiatus, how do I summarize it in a cohesive manner? Well, cats of course.

They rule the internet.

They also ruled Egypt.

I would say that between getting the chance to hold and cuddle all my feline friends while I went back home during our difficult family times, it made that tragic whirlwind of my life a little more bearable. My experiences with cats usually involve me doing one of two things.
This:

Or making them do an interpretive presentation of the following video.

But now that I am back home I am reduced to simply looking at cat emojis and hugging a pillow.

Anyways, onto the general relevance of cats and the things and the stuff.

Soon comes Halloween (my favorite holiday), and due to my recent slip into the addicting glory that is Arkham City, I am going as Catwoman. No not Halle Berry Catwoman, I’m putting my own spin on it. Pics may or may not follow.

I can also tie in cats to my love of TV binge-watching with one name. Poussey. (Yes, not the most appropriate tie in relevance to cats, but I never said this was a kid-friendly blog.)
Besides, you are the one who is pronouncing the name in an inappropriate way. As the namesake from the amazing show Orange Is The New Black will tell you…

But since the Netflix-only show is set in a woman’s prison, it does contain many thematic elements of the less appropriate version of that name. If you are like me and really don’t mind things to push the envelope, go watch it!
Otherwise, this was just a cop-out to discuss all of the TV related things that have been going on lately. Such as the end of Breaking Bad.

To the beginning of all sorts of wonderful fall shows, especially The Walking Dead.

Cats have adorable sandpapery tongues which were developed over the eons to lick the meat off the bones of their prey.

And while we are discussing tongues, I might as well bring up the atrocity that is Miley Cyrus. Her nasty rogue tongue and general fuckery (a term I’ve gained from the amazing Kingsley) remind me of an inbred cat in heat. (If that cat was constantly high on Molly) So I will issue this lovely little PSA:
Please spay and neuter your pets and pop stars.

Yes that last little tie-in was a bit of a stretch, but the world needs to know that people like that should not reproduce.
Speaking of stretch…

There didn’t a nice little break after discussing such a wretched young woman feel good?

Anyways, the mascot for Minnesota’s Champion WNBA team is a Lynx, which is a predatory large cat. I mentioned the Lynx because as a Minnesotan I have to give props to our most successful sports franchise of recent times. I also won free tickets to a championship game, which is always a good thing. 🙂

This is also a devotion to my sister, who was just as big of a cat lover as I am, and a family pet who has also passed away, Jasmine the cat.

Who found herself a nice big box in the sky.

In conclusion, I just really love cats.

… By the way did I tell you all I’m single?
😀

 

A gay afFAIRE!

Good morrow my Lords and Ladies! Yea verily had thine eyes ne’er feasted on such a gallant affair as seen in Ye Olde Renaissance Faire. What did I say? Here let’s try some language from this century and put it to iambic pentameter. I went to the Renn-ai-sance Faire and saw lots of boob-ies there… ah dammit.

Hello to you all, as you can maybe guess I spent some time at a Renaissance Festival, more importantly the Minnesota Renaissance Festival (biggest one in the country… be jealous). Yes I dressed up, yes I had a blast, yes I am a nerd, and yes I was hotter than a witch at the stake.

I shall play the role of the Village Bard today and regale you with a tale of my quest back in time. Ahem… I rode up in thy trusted steed Harvey Dent, a silver Lumina stallion of the Chevrolet breed which comes from a faraway land called Detroit. After parking in the field lot, I began my long trek to the festival entrance, wishing I had some coconuts to speed my journey. Sadly, they will not migrate this far north until next May.

Upon reaching the entrance, I was already greeted with a plethora of merry men, robust wenches, and a prancy faun eagerly tooting away at her pan flute. My ears were bombarded with the sounds of pleasant music, shopkeepers peddling their wares, and cheerful banter between costumed attendees not heard outside a Shakespearian play.

I spent the better part of my morning roaming the entire area of the festival. Since I have been there many times before, I did not see much that was new, but that certainly does not mean there was nothing to see. Every year there are endless amounts of beautiful crafts, decadent foods, and glorious art that truly celebrates one of the most creative eras of our entire history.

As I was wandering around, I noticed something in the corner of my eye on one of the many stages. A throne. Not just any old throne. A throne of a thousand melted swords forged by the flames of Balerion the Black Dread. I am referring to the Iron Throne.

Like a devout first laying eyes upon Mecca, I made a fervent beeline for the throne, eager to sit upon it. Once I had sat on it, I realized that it wasn’t meant for me and told myself that it only should have one true inhabitant.

…Anyways… ahem.. After perusing the shops for a bit I decided to check into the special events going on during the day. (Each weekend through the full course of the festival has different themes and special events.)  Some of the special events going on this day was a tattoo contest, a homebrew contest, and a pet costume contest.

I decided to head to the pet costume contest first. I was originally thinking it would go a little like this:

But it was a little more low-key. It was still absolutely adorable though.

After that was over, I was hungry. I decided to do it right this year and have some Mead and a giant turkey leg. Eating daintily is only for the royal women, so since I was dressed as but a simple wench, I ate in the correct Renaissance way, feasting (or omnoming in the modern tongue).

After I finished my meal I decided to cap it off with a jumbo pickle from the seductively brash pickle boy. (For all of you non-fair-goers, a Pickle Boy is a lithe, shirtless, charming young man with an impish grin and an abundance of crude innuendoes).

I then went into a pavilion where they held a tattoo festival. There were all sorts of awesome tattoos, but one caught my eye more than the rest. An older man had a full on Yakuza style Japanese tattoo.

After gawking in awe for the sheer badassery next to me, I realized that the following was true:

Once the contest was over, I wandered around a bit more and observing some traditional glassblowing and smithy work. It then became very hot. As the sun beat down, the drinks sold like wild, and the workers kindly put on water misters above some of the walking areas. I basked in the moist goodness before thinking of houw damp and humid the codpieces around me were.

I then grabbed a seat in a shaded area where I could cool down and observe the exciting joust

After that, I watched the camels and elephants, and of course the people.

When the sun began to lower on the horizon, I knew there was time for only one more event. The Tortuga Twins R-rated show! For those of you who have never beheld the glory that is the Tortuga Twins, they are a comedic trio (yes there are three twins) that centers their show around crude, sexy, swashbuckling adventures. Most of their shows are family friendly, but the last show of the day is known to push the limits a bit more.

As usual, the show made me laugh thine ass off. (If you’d like to watch it, here is a video clip from a previous year. It’s pretty hilarious!) Like all great things, it unfortunately came to an end, and it was then time for me to travel back to the current time. As I left the venue, the Royal Court gathered to bid us all adieu. I slowly trudged back to my car and begrudgingly drove back to 2013. I was already planning my next visit, when I suddenly realized that I left Doc back in 1985!!!

… to be continued…

Oh yeah. Random playlist time.

1. Robin & Marian – Nickel Creek (a great medieval sound)
2. Dreams – The Cranberries
3. He’s Gonna Marry Me – Dolly Parton
4. Fading – Decypher Down
5. Concerning Hobbits – Howard Shore (another great medieval sounding song!)
6. Paranoid – Black Sabbath
7. Tattoos on This Town – Jason Aldean
8. Money Honey – Lady Gaga
9. Snake Charmer – blink-182
10. Obla-Di, Obla-Da – The Beatles

Well, that’s all this time everyone. Anon, fine readers!

Gen-Y-am-I-doing-this-again?

*Warning* Some swears and mature themes*

Hello people.

This will be my attempt at my first blog not inspired by some sort of school project or fluff for my resume. I will begin by telling you a little bit about myself. If you care to know more check out the About Me page. I may or may not have it filled with info at the time this is published, but stay tuned. If you are really that curious, feel free to contact me with questions/concerns.

Well let me first say that I am as Icona Pop so eloquently coined, a “90s Bitch” I grew up with arguably the best cartoons, Disney movies, toys (real toys, no handheld computer devices) and clothing a girl could ask for. I would include music but it is a close second to 60s music.

As the youngest in a large family I was raised by a confusing cocktail of high amounts of praise and a relatively hands-off parenting approach. Once my parents saw how much more incredibly lame I was than my older siblings (I was the type of kid who got in trouble for staying up all night reading a book) they usually left me to my own devices.

Which went a little something like this:

I am, by all accounts, a Millennial, or a Gen-Y child. I currently fit so many categories of this generation. First off, I am writing a blog generally about how I feel about stuff…. Maybe important, but most likely not. Important or not, I feel this deep-seeded scummy urge to clue everyone in on it. You will listen to me dang-nabbit! You may be a complete stranger; get me in a room with you to talk in person then I am more nervous than a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.

As for more cookie-cutter Gen-Y traits: I have a smart phone (iPhone) my preferred method of contact is texting, I have two part-time jobs, and am currently living at home. I am a college graduate still under my parent’s health insurance plan. I enjoy and understand memes for the most part. (With the internet there is always some WTF factor) I use abbreviations such as WTF, OMG, TTYL, STFU, etc… (etc isn’t an intentional abbreviation in that category…) I am guilty of taking pictures of myself and of my food. I measure my life in meaningless ways like how many movie references I can make (the more obscure the better), how ironic my tshirt is, how many likes my Facebook status gets, and how many texts I receive in a day.

In a fit of pure Gen-Y-ness I feel the need to clue you into my random personality by giving you a sampling of ten songs randomly playing on my iTunes library.

1. Kernkraft 400 – Zombie Nation
2. Free Ride – Edgar Winter
3. Cruise – Florida Georgia Line
4. Home To Me – Charlie Roth (check this guy out! I know him personally, he is a pretty awesome fellow)
5. Beech Spring – Dan Corollo
6. Breezeblocks – Alt-J
7. Dog Days Are Over – Florence + The Machine
8. Creep – TLC
9. Mad As Rabbits – Panic At The Disco
10. What’d I Say, Parts 1&2 – Ray Charles

I am also listening to a fun little podcast, Walking in Circles by a friend and fellow Gen-Y’er.

Now I really don’t know what that random sampling says about me, but as a Millennial, I don’t really need a reason before I go ahead and post. Methinks I will make that little random song blurb a regular aspect of my blog.

Anyways, I am sure by now I have beaten the “I am a Millennial” horse to glue, and surely you are asking yourself, “But Gen-Y are you continually mentioning this theme?”

Well, I have read an article in Time Magazine outlining Gen-Y and it’s negative impact on society. (The author throws in some positive attributes, but the tone is generally condescending and bitter.) To spare the effort of summarizing (I am a lazy Millennial after all, and most readers of this blog are lazy Millennials as well) I will provide the link to the article here.

Ok have you read it? If not, for shame… you’ll have to rely on old fashioned context from here on out. For those of you who have read this let’s go on a little journey with some of the qualms (who said we don’t read books?) Actually TBH I learned that word from an amazing childhood show known as Hey Arnold.

Anywhoodles, some flaws in this article.

First off: When article author Joel Stein mentions Millennials, he is referring to all people born between the years of 1980-2000. Now I know someone born in the early 80s very well, I have a sister born in 1983 and I can say with relative certainty that she does not fit the traits of a typical Millennial, which is not a bad thing by any means.

Another problem I have with this article is the downright snarky jabs he makes to my generation, my generation baby…. Now I was raised on the internet and I know not to feed the Trolls by taking them seriously and getting all offended, but when it is published on a nationally acclaimed magazine read by all generations, even those lacking in the regular use of sarcasm, it can convey the wrong message.

Which happens to be that we are just a bunch of lazy parasitic narcissists.

Now while the narcissistic comment holds some truth. (Honestly, #selfiesunday?) I get a little bitter with the “parasitic and lazy” comments. In an attempt to debunk the negative stigma of the perceived lazy parasitic nature of my people, (and cash in on another chance to be narcissistic) I shall regale you with a little tale of my life.

My childhood was as typical in the sense that it was quite hectic at times. I was more introverted. I got picked on, like most kids. The television played a large role in raising me and one of the most frequented messages I got from the golden age of kiddy shows and disney movies was to love being yourself and eventually people will love you too. Even though I knew I was a weirdo and a nerd (I got reminded frequently) I knew that it was essentially who I truly was and I had to become happy with it. *poof* Narcissism.

I also received high praise from my family for my achievements in early academia. As well as most of my classmates. There were all sorts of electives geared towards students finding enjoyment out of studies. We certainly weren’t brought up in the “Shut up and learn!” age. When a whole generation is brought up with the idea that “we can grow up to do whatever we want” It can create a skewed world view.

Anyways, I graduated with the idea that I was smart enough to do anything, I just didn’t feel like being a doctor at that moment. (pretentious huh?) So I ended up getting into something relatively useless (depending on who you ask) Graphic Design. Well went to college, got some knowledge (of how to perfect the master art of procrastination and how to invent a bitchin’ drinking game) and then graduated bright-eyed and bushy tailed, waiting for my dream job to fall in my lap.

Welp, that didn’t so much happen. Yes, Joel Stein, I did feel entitled to have a job handed to me, because from as long as I remember, I had it drilled into my young play-doughy (or Gak for all you 90s kids!) brain that I was special and I was going to get my dream job. Not find my dream job, not work towards my dream job, but get it, as if a magical blue genie voiced by a lovable comedic actor would *poof* it into my lap. Anyways… suffice it to say that my gilded sense of entitlement was shot in the foot from my first month of my career search.

I will now summarize two years after my college with a handy little diorama:yeah…

Well, on the plus side. I currently have a job in my field, Yay! But it is only a part-time, minimum wage job. Oh well.

Now this job also happens to be a far distance (70 miles) from my other job. And while that may not make sense, I am currently camping back at home while I search for another closer job and affordable housing. Which in a metropolitan area is somewhat of a joke unless you are ok with living in sketchy neighborhoods or with complete strangers (most live with friends but I am not lucky to have many in the metro area [refer to earlier statements about unpopularity] ) Since I am stuck at home in a sensible step while I figure out my next step, I am tacked with a lousy stigma that I am not amounting to anything.

The article also pleasantly points out that I am living a parasitic lifestyle. I am living rent-free and under my parents health care plan with an expensive phone and computer, and despite all my woes of being poor, I still manage to scrape enough money to pay for an expensive high speed internet service. What a Hypocrite I am!

Ok Joel Stein, Imma let you finish but I have one of the greatest rebuttals of all time. Let me break it down for you (d-d-d-d-drop the BASS!)

As far as the health insurance thing goes, finding a job with an affordable healthcare plan is about as rare as finding a unicorn or a Magical Leopluridon… bet you guys haven’t watched that in a while 🙂 In order not to become too political, I don’t want to expand much more on that.

As far as my expensive devices go, I actually need them in this current job market. While I am searching for a job, especially one in the design field, it is imperative that I maintain a constant stream of connection. As far as all of the useless things I do on my phone or computer, naturally our generation makes the unspoken requirement having to maintain a constant network fun with all sorts of games, sites, cats, apps, and whiz-bits.

Old Economy Steven, ladies and gents.

As materialistic, narcissistic, and parasitic as we seem to be, we are in the generation of unpaid internships, record high rates of volunteering towards causes that are of a global concern, high voter turnout, and thrifty people.

To sum it up, while we may have our faults… *cough*YOLOSWAGers*cough* We have lots of attributes. We have an undeniable optimism (most of us never grasped the full weight of how hard the great recession was.) We made our economic struggles cool, by popularizing the thrifty lifestyle. We made helping others and acceptance cool by making it a priority to accept all cultures and exercise empathy before judgement upon others. All we ask is that you other generations do the same for us. Try to look at our lives through our eyes. We are not saying we have it harder than you, we are just saying that each generation has its own ups and downs.

To all of you that made it through that long ramble, Congratulations, YOU WON! 😀

Until next time!