Television Death Match Spectacular

Hello my Dino-Nuggets!

I don’t know about you, but the last couple of weeks have been DAUNTING. Work really did a number on me. I got a letter back from the state saying I was mistaken on my tax return, and now OWE money. Game of Thrones won’t be on this weekend!! Really terrible stuff.

In order to fill up my time normally spent anticipating/watching/reviewing/obsessing over the show, I now have some time to write…

about Game Of Thrones.

 

[not sorry]

I will prove to you all how great this show is by having a

TELEVISION DEATH MATCH SPECTACULAR-MANIA 26!!!

I will match up some Game of Thrones cast members with some other beloved tv characters in a brutal test of awesomeness! There will only be one victor per round.

Without further adoo…

~ROUND ONE~

 

Broody bastard that could melt The Wall with his smolder…. Jon Snow.

VS

Broody law enforcement man who could stop a horde dead in their tracks with his… personality?….Rick Grimes
[The Walking Dead]

Winner:
Hmm.. both are reluctant leaders constantly faced with the looming threat of an Undead army. Both lack a massive emotional range/interesting storyline (at least compared to their costars), yet still attract massive support of the fandoms.

I’d have to give the win to Rick. They won’t kill off Rick. The whole story rides on him.

~ Round 2 ~

The ruthless Momma Lion Cersei Lannister.

VS

The positively Psycho Norma Bates. [Bates Motel]

Winner:
Norma Bates.
Sorry Cersei. Even when dead, Norma still holds tremendous psychological holds over her offspring. When’s the last time you were able to contain your bratty kids?

~ Round 3 ~

Our smokin’ hot Red Priestess Melisandre.

VS

The Supremely bewitching Cordelia Foxx. [American Horror Story]

Winner:
Cordelia.

I mean c’mon. She’s the Supreme. Even if she could be killed by Melly, (although not by fire due to her Pyrokinesis) she can be brought back to life by her one true love (FOXXAY 4 lyfe!) who just happens to have the power of resurgence.

~ Round 4 ~

The lethal Bisexual hailing from the sands of Dorne, Oberyn Martell!

VS

The Nordic sex-beast himself, vampire Eric Northman. [True Blood]

Winner:
Tie

The Red Viper may be very suave and skilled and combat, but he just cannot compete with a 1,000 year old vampire. Unless of course the battle were to be held in Dorne. That particular house of Westeros seems to readily idolize one of Eric’s greatest weaknesses.

Spears, ALL vampires fear spears.

I predict the battle will begin at night, and Oberyn will fend Eric off before getting mortally wounded. Eric will have lost track of time trying to kill off Oberyn and burn upon the rising of the sun. Leading to both contestants to win AND lose.

Oh yeah book readers, I just did that.

~ Round 5 ~

Lannister Golden Boy (see what I did there?) Jaime Lannister.

VS

Resident hottie Schmidt. [New Girl]

Winner:
Jaime Lannister.

Both of these competitors would be neck and neck in a popularity contest, although no one would know why. Both infamously arrogant jerks seem to have a radiating magnetism to them. But this is not a competition for Country Club President, it is a FIGHT TO THE DEATH. And knowing how to fight with a sword (even with a gimpy gold hand) clearly proves an advantage.

~ Round 6 ~

Conniving Geriatric Olenna Tyrell.

VS

Sassy Artistocrat Dowager Countess. [Downton Abbey]

Winner:
Queen of Thorns.
While both are fabulously sharp-tongued and could have an unparalleled verbal fencing match, there is a clear disadvantage here.
You see, the British High-Society folk just cannot turn down a cup of tea. And Queen Olenna seems to love adding extra… surprises… in beverages.

Just ask this poor schmuck.

~ Round 7 ~

The Wildling Kissed By Fire, Ygritte.

VS

The fiery beauty, Gloria Pritchett. [Modern Family]

Winner:
Ygritte.
While both opinionated accent-speaking beauties would have a good go at it, Ygritte would have no problem in hand-to-hand combat and would mercilessly kill anyone who got in her way. (Besides maybe, ‘John Sneauuuu’).

~ Round 8 ~ TAG TEAM ROUND ~

The Prince of Transcendence Brand Stark and the eloquent Hodor.

VS

The Adventuresome dream team of Finn and Jake. [Adventure Time]

Winners:
Bran + Hodor.
While there is no denying Finn and Jake’s bravery and impressive battle history against all sorts of scary foes, they just don’t stand a chance against Bran and Hodor. For one, this is Hodor we’re talking about. It has not been confirmed, but he is clearly the frontrunner to win the Iron Throne. And then you have Bran, who is essentially training to be one of the Old Gods. Even if Finn and Jake seem to gain an advantage in the battle, Bran will simply Warg into Jake’s mind, turning him against Finn.

~Round 9~

The no-nonsense Brienne.

VS

The no-time-for-your-bullshit Lana Kane. [Archer]

Winner:

These two Amazonian powerhouses would have a very close-hard fought battle, after first sitting down to enjoy the company of someone who deals with as much crap from peers as the other does. But once Lana decided the fight was dragging on too long, she’d pick out one of her many guns and finish the job, like she always does.

~ Round 10 ~

The devious Master of Coin (and deception), Petyr Baelish.

VS

Capitol Hill power-player Frank Underwood. [House of Cards]

Winner:

Oh boy. This is a very tough one. Both are exceptionally good at using any means necessary (including unsuspecting people) to get what they want and cunningly climb the ladder to rule.
I suppose I’d have to give the slight edge on this to Littlefinger, for I feel he would be slightly more quick to simply murder his foe if he knew he would be a tough competitor.

~ Round 11 ~

The protagonist you have trouble rooting for (but still sort of pity)… Theon Greyjoy.

VS

The protagonist you REALLY have trouble rooting for… Hannah Horvath. [HBO’s GIRLS]

Winner:
Theon, by a landslide.
Even if Hannah actually did any sort of damage to Theon, he has clearly shown he can take all sorts of physical abuse and pain and still function. Hannah would self-destruct as soon as she knows she wouldn’t be able to tur her battle experiences in a self-indulgent screenplay.

~ Round 12 ~

THE MOST IRRITATING BASTARD IN THE REALM… JOFFREY BARATHEON.

VS

THE MOST AGGRAVATING CRIMINAL EVER TO INHABIT LITCH… TIFFANY ‘PENNSATUCKY’ DOGGETT.
[Orange Is The New Black]

Winner:
Pennsatucky. Even though Joffrey is a terrible excuse for a human being, he is quite cowardly. A match between these two questionably-inbred jerks would be close, all Pennsatucky would need is some misinterpreted sign from God that Joffrey needed to die, and she would stop at nothing to see it done.

~ Round 13 ~

Young Badass Arya Stark.

VS

Wise-beyond-her-years Sally Draper. [Mad Men]

Winner:
Arya Stark.
Clearly the young lady training to be a FREAKING ASSASSIN would have the combative advantage here. But as far as judging the quality each character brings to their respective show, it’d be a pretty even matchup.

~Round 14 ~

The most snuggly bodyguard evar… Sandor ‘The Hound’ Clegane.

VS

The friendliest Teddy Bear of a government worker you’ll know… Ron ‘Duke Silver’ Swanson.
[Parks and Recreation]

Winner:
The Hound, duh.
Even though I love Ron Swanson for his grumpiness, epic one-liners, and general disdain for everyone else but himself, I love The Hound for all the same reasons. So then we must take into consideration that The Hound is a highly skilled and ruthless killer.

~Round 15~

The daddy-of-the-year Tywin Lannister.

VS

Teacher-of-the-year Walter ‘Heisenberg’ White. [Breaking Bad]

Winner:
Walter White.
Even though Tywin is a master strategist, I really don’t think he’d fare well against Mr. ‘I-Am-The-Danger’. Walter seems to luck out of so many deadly situations and come out on top. Besides, he has plenty of useful Chemistry tricks up his sleeve.

~Round 16~

He puts the ‘IMP’ in ‘PIMP’… Tyrion Lannister.

VS

Everyone’s favorite High-Functioning Sociopath, Sherlock Holmes.

Winner:
With an underdog win, Tyrion Lannister.
Even though this would be a battle of wits to go down in history, I feel that Tyrion would somehow come out ahead. I am not sure how, but I feel it would happen. Also, image the outrage if Tyrion were to ever die. If Sherlock were to die, we’d just have to face the wrath of the Cumber-bitches. If Tyrion gets killed off EVERYONE WILL RIOT.

*HINT*HINT*, George R.R. Martin.

~FINAL ROUND~

The beautiful Daenerys ‘name-is-not-Khaleesi’ Targaryen.

VS

The… lots of adjectives… Clone Club. [Orphan Black]

Winner:
Tie.

I know. You’re probably wondering how I could go against my raging Targaryen Fealty and NOT declare Dany as the unquestionable victor. But the truth is, I really don’t see either matchup being completely wiped out. Sure Dany has an entire Army and friggin’ DRAGONS, but I feel that more and more clones would keep popping up no matter how many she kills. And If she were without her army, guards, or dragons, I feel that Dany wouldn’t stand a chance against some of these ladies, especially Helena.

Also I feel like this guy would throw a stupid love-triangle wrench into the whole deal.

Daario

whatshisface… Orphan Daario

So I’ll just make a ruling on this and declare them all the winners! The Clones could join Dany and be excellent Royal Advisors.

So after many hard fought battles, one side triumphed just a few times more (but it was close). And the winner is…

GAME OF THRONES.

Did you really think this would turn out a different way?

I’m sure plenty of you may disagree with my ruling on this, and may go to lengths to let me know. And I only have this to say about it.

Haters to the Left.

I can be your hero baby…

Actors and Actresses that should play Superheroes

Hello Everyone!

Well I hate to be the bearer of bad news for my audience… (All.. 6 of you?) But my computer charger bit the dust and I have a new one being shipped. (Less expensive than buying one in the store for a bajillion gagillion dollars… I’m just kidding it’s not that much, only a bajillion.) Anyways, since life usually takes moments of strife to deal you a 2 of clubs, my charger is on backorder so it will be a while until I’m blog-ready.

In the meantime, I shall suck upon the fruit of other writer’s labor like a gnat infestation.

^^ Click the link on the header to read it! ^^

Enjoy folks!

Thanks Buzzfeed!

A gay afFAIRE!

Good morrow my Lords and Ladies! Yea verily had thine eyes ne’er feasted on such a gallant affair as seen in Ye Olde Renaissance Faire. What did I say? Here let’s try some language from this century and put it to iambic pentameter. I went to the Renn-ai-sance Faire and saw lots of boob-ies there… ah dammit.

Hello to you all, as you can maybe guess I spent some time at a Renaissance Festival, more importantly the Minnesota Renaissance Festival (biggest one in the country… be jealous). Yes I dressed up, yes I had a blast, yes I am a nerd, and yes I was hotter than a witch at the stake.

I shall play the role of the Village Bard today and regale you with a tale of my quest back in time. Ahem… I rode up in thy trusted steed Harvey Dent, a silver Lumina stallion of the Chevrolet breed which comes from a faraway land called Detroit. After parking in the field lot, I began my long trek to the festival entrance, wishing I had some coconuts to speed my journey. Sadly, they will not migrate this far north until next May.

Upon reaching the entrance, I was already greeted with a plethora of merry men, robust wenches, and a prancy faun eagerly tooting away at her pan flute. My ears were bombarded with the sounds of pleasant music, shopkeepers peddling their wares, and cheerful banter between costumed attendees not heard outside a Shakespearian play.

I spent the better part of my morning roaming the entire area of the festival. Since I have been there many times before, I did not see much that was new, but that certainly does not mean there was nothing to see. Every year there are endless amounts of beautiful crafts, decadent foods, and glorious art that truly celebrates one of the most creative eras of our entire history.

As I was wandering around, I noticed something in the corner of my eye on one of the many stages. A throne. Not just any old throne. A throne of a thousand melted swords forged by the flames of Balerion the Black Dread. I am referring to the Iron Throne.

Like a devout first laying eyes upon Mecca, I made a fervent beeline for the throne, eager to sit upon it. Once I had sat on it, I realized that it wasn’t meant for me and told myself that it only should have one true inhabitant.

…Anyways… ahem.. After perusing the shops for a bit I decided to check into the special events going on during the day. (Each weekend through the full course of the festival has different themes and special events.)  Some of the special events going on this day was a tattoo contest, a homebrew contest, and a pet costume contest.

I decided to head to the pet costume contest first. I was originally thinking it would go a little like this:

But it was a little more low-key. It was still absolutely adorable though.

After that was over, I was hungry. I decided to do it right this year and have some Mead and a giant turkey leg. Eating daintily is only for the royal women, so since I was dressed as but a simple wench, I ate in the correct Renaissance way, feasting (or omnoming in the modern tongue).

After I finished my meal I decided to cap it off with a jumbo pickle from the seductively brash pickle boy. (For all of you non-fair-goers, a Pickle Boy is a lithe, shirtless, charming young man with an impish grin and an abundance of crude innuendoes).

I then went into a pavilion where they held a tattoo festival. There were all sorts of awesome tattoos, but one caught my eye more than the rest. An older man had a full on Yakuza style Japanese tattoo.

After gawking in awe for the sheer badassery next to me, I realized that the following was true:

Once the contest was over, I wandered around a bit more and observing some traditional glassblowing and smithy work. It then became very hot. As the sun beat down, the drinks sold like wild, and the workers kindly put on water misters above some of the walking areas. I basked in the moist goodness before thinking of houw damp and humid the codpieces around me were.

I then grabbed a seat in a shaded area where I could cool down and observe the exciting joust

After that, I watched the camels and elephants, and of course the people.

When the sun began to lower on the horizon, I knew there was time for only one more event. The Tortuga Twins R-rated show! For those of you who have never beheld the glory that is the Tortuga Twins, they are a comedic trio (yes there are three twins) that centers their show around crude, sexy, swashbuckling adventures. Most of their shows are family friendly, but the last show of the day is known to push the limits a bit more.

As usual, the show made me laugh thine ass off. (If you’d like to watch it, here is a video clip from a previous year. It’s pretty hilarious!) Like all great things, it unfortunately came to an end, and it was then time for me to travel back to the current time. As I left the venue, the Royal Court gathered to bid us all adieu. I slowly trudged back to my car and begrudgingly drove back to 2013. I was already planning my next visit, when I suddenly realized that I left Doc back in 1985!!!

… to be continued…

Oh yeah. Random playlist time.

1. Robin & Marian – Nickel Creek (a great medieval sound)
2. Dreams – The Cranberries
3. He’s Gonna Marry Me – Dolly Parton
4. Fading – Decypher Down
5. Concerning Hobbits – Howard Shore (another great medieval sounding song!)
6. Paranoid – Black Sabbath
7. Tattoos on This Town – Jason Aldean
8. Money Honey – Lady Gaga
9. Snake Charmer – blink-182
10. Obla-Di, Obla-Da – The Beatles

Well, that’s all this time everyone. Anon, fine readers!