Summertime Sadness: A Reflection on My Dating Life

This is sorta awkward guys. I know it’s been a while. I know you may be coping with some abandonment issues. I know I am grossly overestimating how much people actually like this blog. But, explanations will be given anyways.It’s summer everyone! It means festivals, friends, beach, outside, ice cream, copious thigh sweat, and ant infestations.

I’m not even going to pretend to care what you foolish mortals have done with your spare time, but I have been up to quite a bit.

For one: IT’s Summer! I’ve been enjoying the pleasant weather. And by that I mean “FUCKING CONSTANT BARRAGE OF RAIN” Seriously though. It’s excessive. We now have 20,000 lakes. In times like these I still try to keep a positive outlook on the situation.

Besides, we all know if it was over 75 degrees, my summer would pretty much wind up like this:

But yes, outdoors. I have committed numerous outdoor acts in the recent months.

I went camping! It was wonderful and only had a max of three parasitic organisms draining me of my life-force. No, I was not attacked by ticks or mosquitos draining me of my blood. The parasites in question were my lovely  nieces* and the aforementioned life-force happens to be 4g service on my cell phone. So, like the terrible people we all were, we spent each night binge-watching Adventure Time rather than ‘becoming one with nature’ or some sentimental crap like that.

*I seriously never would insult my nieces on a public platform. Any seemingly negative qualities I may attribute to them are only ones I myself would be equally guilty of. I most likely taught them terrible things :-).

There was still plenty of fun to be had outdoors. We went kite flying! Which, apparently becomes hard as Satanic Hell when you pass the age of 18.

This is what happens when you Google: 'Kite Fail' btw. (Accurate Depiction)

This is what happens when you Google: ‘Kite Fail’ btw.
(Accurate Depiction)

If camping will always be like that wonderful weekend, then count me in for more!

Hmm. What else was done in the dreadful outdoors? Ah yes, training for my first 5K. It is coming along quite fast (in one week) and have recently discovered shocking new developments that have led me to drastically change my preparations.

All that time. Spent in outdoor Tiki Bars.... spent for naught.

All that time. Spent in outdoor Tiki Bars…. spent for naught.


I also have been driving profusely to visit friends and family, setting stuff on fire, and some other outdoorsy stuff. If you really wanna know what I all did outside, just check out my Instagram. As a true Millennial, I can’t possibly let my mediocre adventures go undocumented.

Okay. Let’s see. Now for indoor activities…

oh yeah, of course.

I watched ALL episodes of Orange Is The New Black in one sitting. I’m not even regretting it. I’m not even sorry. That show just has some sort of effect on me.

Okay no, not THAT effect. C'mon guys. That's what Fan-Fic is for...

Okay no, not THAT effect.
C’mon guys. That’s what Fan-Fic is for…

But no. Somehow I made it through ALL THE EPISODES. And wound up in a mind-blown haze of wonder and bewilderment.



Did I realize the abject horror one person [Vee] could unleash upon the inmates?
Absolutely not.

Did I realize that the superb writing would shake my own self-filled backstories to the core and change how I perceived seemingly harmless characters [Morello]?
No way!

Did I really think I could possibly find new character favorites [POUSSEY!!] in the midsts of one of the strongest ensembles on television?

So yeah. Season 2 was pure brilliance. Moving on.

So guys, the real reason I’ve taken to slacker-status on my blogging is because I’ve made another venture out in the realm of dating. I take breaks from dating because 1. I am too freaking awkward 2. It gets physically and mentally exhausting trying to switch that off to impress someone. 3. I usually have to drain that preciously finite energy from other sources, ie: the delightfully cliche pun-making, gif-herding, and meta self-depreciation that comprises this ‘blog’.

But yes. I am ready again. Let us hope this attempt is much different than other times. Well, actually it is. Way different. But I maybe will extrapolate on that all one fine day.

Anyways. Explanations, yeah? You see, normally when I get back on a dating kick, I now result to a no-shame beeline for online dating. Getting to type a fully contrived persona before meeting someone? My confidence exudes as follows:

It's going dowwwn.  I'm yelling "TINDERRRRR!!"""

It’s going dowwwn.
I’m yelling “TINDERRRRR!!”


However, since this dating venture is super drastically different in ways unknown to some and possibly obvious to others, I did not make a beeline to such methods.

Somehow, miraculously, I have still met a few people. Some have been a tad underwhelming and have clearly NOT read the guidelines I listed in a potential mate.

Some of these potential people have been quite wonderful. But then I screw it up. Before you try to accept my pity-party invitation, please know that the statement is scathingly true. I am awkward as shit and it seriously gets in the way.

Seriously, let me paint you a picture of some of my bloopers that send the others running.

– Discussing the fact that I came up with my own ‘sexy’ choreography to the Disney song, ‘Be Prepared’ (Scar’s song).

In my defense… How could you NOT?

– Explaining the Socialist implications of how game boosts are given in Mario Kart.

– Revealing that my love of pickles has conditioned me in a Pavlovian (yes I actually said Pavlovian) way to legitimately begin drooling when I see a pickle jar.

-Making creepily early references to any sort of romantic connection on a public blog.

Now, there are plenty more dumb errors I have made. It has led to some people understandably exiting the situation. It has also left some remaining stragglers.

Just in time for stage 2!

Now, sensibly, if someone puts up with those initial ridiculous shenanigans, I would realize they are actually sorta interested and you know, chill?

Absolutely freaking NOT.

Absolutely freaking NOT.

You see, now is the time that I hold unnaturally deep conversations with people. Just words. All the time.

It begins innocently. It really does. You see guys, I cannot just have a purely physical connection with someone. They need them a purdy brain before they can be ready for this Jelly. It can still wind up being a somewhat ‘casual’ relationship thing with that person.

It just unfortunately seems like I am trying to ‘wife the shit outta them’ (actual statement I’ve heard). That is not the case, however.

I have decided that it breaks down to this: You know how some people can casually throw around their kitty?

Or some wait until marriage. Whatever you do is fine! As long as you do you!

Or some wait until marriage. Whatever you do is fine! As long as you do you!

Well I can respect and understand those women who just wanna casually throw around their kitty as long they’re safe, consenting, happy, etc, awesome! But I am just NOT one of those girls.

Instead of casually throwing my kitty, I casually throw around my soul and personality. I get a real joy out of making a connection with someone. It fulfills me just like that. It doesn’t always need to escalate. It doesn’t need to evolve into a lofty-label. It doesn’t mean I am planning the names of our unborn.

It simply means this: I am connecting with you on a deeper level than the general public, and I am enjoying the CURRENT MOMENT of it all. The ONLY implication this will give of future events is of potential kitty-throwing.

TL;DR: I’m not trying to be a wife here. I’m just a weirdo that still needs an emotional connection even in more casual relationships.

If you fools seriously thought I explained this to my dates and cleared the confusion, GTFO. You have clearly not grasped my eloquent depiction of my inherent ability NOT to simplify things.

Instead of keeping it simple and open, I just babbled. More. And more. And more. And when confronted with my completely unsexy tendency to babble, I simply began backpedalling. Instead of the proper route which is: ‘Chill the Fuck out’ I just kept up with the word vomit. Eventually all my words became a revolting clusterfuck.

So much so, I’ve taken to calling the whole phenomenon RAT KINGDon’t know what that is? Well, Google it. I’ll wait here.. because it’s absolutely disgusting. Which is precisely how I feel about my antics when I screw things up like this.

So naturally, I have had the inevitable “We should just be friends” statement thrown my way. It sucks. But I get it. I really need to do an overhaul here.

I have a lesson throughout all of this, folks. Stop overthinking. Stop trying to rationalize and talk your way through things that really SHOULDN’T be rationalized. Just do. Just be. Just live. You’re going to get a lot more respect and happiness that way. If not from others, then definitely from yourself.



You Mad, Bro?

Hello, my wonderful fruit snacks!

Bet you weren’t expecting a post so soon, were you?

If you should know one thing, its that I do not go by any sort of standards on this thing. These posts are totally rando and you can never expect when they may just pop up.

I am writing today to address an issue that has plagued me for a long time.

My tendency to rage.


(not that kind of rage)

More along the lines of this.

I have since evolved from my school age tendencies to bite others and smack a classmate’s applesauce on the floor and learned to control my emotions.

But guys, there are some days that almost drive me back into those dark times. If it was not an immediately fireable offense, I know for a fact I would throw my supervisor’s applesauce on the floor and scream “That’s for pushing me down the wet slide and telling Billy I peed my pants!!!

I seriously had the type of day today that would have landed that story into the embarrassing reality of a police report.
What about my life could be that bad to send me in such fits of rage?

Well, nothing life-alteringly terrible. All in all, I have a life better than most. And most of these things that settle inside me are a whole lotta FWP’s… but they still are the epitome of TEH SUCK.

Let me express myself about some of these triggers I face in my life (before bad things happen). In THINGS THAT MAKE ME RAGE

First and foremost, I just want to express a common source of rage: video games. Although, I have not played some of these in a while, you can hopefully understand what the general tone will be for the remainder of the post.

-Cause of Rage:
Kingdom Hearts Bonus Villains







Even though you aren’t required to defeat neither Sephiroth or the Big Ben Phantom in order to complete the story, that just makes the frustration all too real. It’s as if they know I can’t beat them, so they sit in their hidey-holes, knowing I cannot revel in my game victory until I smite them upon the grounds of Hollow Bastion.

•Level of Rage:

-Cause of Rage:
Stagecoach racing in Red Dead Redemption.

I love this game, I really do. It captures the Old West in a really cool way. Also, the action controls are very authentic.

That’s the problem. Steering a stagecoach and trying to turn a team of horses around is hard as shit. While you’re stuck trying to deal with this realistic problem, you usually get murdered by a band of smelly outlaws, or mauled my a passerby cougar. The Old West is hard.

•Level of Rage:


-Cause of Rage:
A certain beloved show (c’mon you guys should know this by now) changing up a bunch of stuff from a certain even more beloved book series. (In case you’re confused… Game of Thrones, #getOnMyLevel).

• Level of Rage

NIGHT'S KING?!?! That was meant for book 6 or later! Now it's ALL ruined!!

That was meant for book 6 or later!
Now it’s ALL ruined!!


The rage of a show/movie completely effing up its book counterpart is a rage I have endured many a time, yet each stray step away from the books is just as painful as ever.

– Cause of Rage:
Shows getting rid of enjoyable characters.

Mad Men, which is but a mere shadow of its former self, has not shown one of my favorite side characters in a while.
Miss Trudy Campbell, the person who put all of her hopes and dreams into the hands of this skeeze:
Only to have him inevitably ruin her beautiful life!
Once the imminent demise of their doomed marriage came to pass, I was certain they’d have all sorts of plot concepts for the newly freed Trudy, and what did they deliver? Zilch.

• Level of Rage:
FYI, Pete-MOFO-Campbell, if you happen to be reading this, hope you thought it was worth it to cheat on this:


So THAT’S what she’s been up to.
You do you, girl!


Another show to commit this terrible crime is Glee.

A show which has massively decreased in a quality that wasn’t all that high in the first place, is rumored to have canned its arguably best character (sorry Rachel). Santana Lopez was/is the only reason I have stuck with this sinking ship, and now it is my time to escape.

•Level of Rage:


-Cause of Rage:
Shows turning into horrible awful train wrecks you cannot peel your eyes away from, and remain watching them out of a sick, masochistic, duty to pop-culture.

…there are too many shows that fit this category.

• Level of Rage:

-Cause of Rage:
Nefarious pickle jars… or other hard-to-access vittles.



Yes, it took me a week to open a damn jar of pickles. Go ahead, laugh. See where it gets you.

•Level of Rage:

-Cause of Rage:
Derpy, yet maddeningly persistent cowlick on the back of my head.

The devious bastard seems to sprout at very inopportune moments, and no amount of coaxing will tame the wild menace.
Special thanks to all of you people who repeatedly inform me when this occurs…
(as if I didn’t already know!)

•Level of Rage:



-Cause of Rage:
“Happy” By Pharell Williams.

I don’t need to post a video. I don’t want to post a video. This song makes me feel many things, but ‘happy’ is not one of them.

•Level of Rage:

-Cause of Rage:
The Chicago Blackhawks.

Ever the hurdle the Minnesota Wild just. can’t. seem. to. overcome. We are still not out of the running for this year’s playoffs yet, but so far the outlook seems to be repeating its drear history.

Seriously Chicago, can’t you just give us this win? We are the State of Hockey. If anyone deserves the Stanley Cup, it’s us.

•Level of Rage




-Cause of Rage:
Getting shamed for enjoying red meat.
Carmella being coy with steak bone in mouth
Or Hipsters shaming me in general.

Look, I get it. I really do. But popular stuff is sometimes popular for a reason.

And. You. Can. Not. Keep. Me. From. Red. Meat.

Sure as shit, I will sniff out the blood of thine bovine enemies.

Sure as shit, I will sniff out the blood of thine bovine enemies.


•Level of Rage:

And don't try to pass off any of that 'Blood Orange' meat off on me. So pretentious.

And don’t try to pass off any of that ‘Blood Orange’ meat off on me.
So pretentious.


– Cause of Rage:
When people ask if I’m seeing ‘anyone special’.


I know the oodles and oodles of caring (read: nosy) people out there are trying to help, but this question infuriates me, no matter how often it rears its head. The frequency definitely adds to the frustration because I am running out of ways to avoid the inquiry.

Hey! Look over there! Beautiful flowers!!

Hey! Look over there!
Beautiful flowers!!


•Level of Rage:


-Cause of Rage:
Similar people trying to fix me up with someone.

This mainly happens at work. Just when I think I’ve dodged the previous question, they get the notion that I need further assistance in the matter and suggest some ‘swell fellows’.

Not to sound like a jerk, but some of these menu recommendations have to be seen to be believed.

Actually, most are perfectly non-mutant looking humans, they’re just not my type. Which makes it difficult to decline these offers in a nice way.

• Level of Awkward:

•Level of Rage:

But while that (and many more personal things) all boils within me, I still manage to find relief by swaying to Enya music, cracking open a cold bottle of Leine’s, and writing a narcissistic vent-blog about it!

Cheers, Muchachos!

Cheers, Muchachos!


Face, meet Palm.

Today I would like to discuss an extremely common phenomena… or phenomenon? mena? menon…. Mahna Mahna.

(click it. you know you want to)

Anyways.. yeah lemme tell you the thing.

Raise your hand if you’ve been personally victimized by Regina George ever had embarrassing moments as a young person. Okay, good. Now for all you asshats who did not raise your hand, please leave the figurative room immediately, and set up an appointment with the nearest Proctologist to find your head.

We’ve all been there right? Embarrassing crushes? Terrible poems you wrote as a teen? Various stages of self-urination? Friends, I’ve done it all. And in some sick, twisted desire to place another lock on my self-inflicted chastity belt, I am going to divulge some of the more embarrassing things I have done as a wee bairn.

I suppose I am going full-out with my self-depreciating aspect of my sense of humor in order to confront my faults/issues once and for all. Let this stand for a lesson that you all need to learn to laugh at yourselves, so that no one can use your personal humiliation to overpower you.


Easy for Tyrion to say, he never posted dirty Harry Potter FanFiction on his MySpace account.

But even if you don’t walk away learning that ever important lesson in life, I can assure you that you will most likely feel less embarrassed about your own life after reading some of my gems, and will most likely get a good laugh at my expense. Go ahead, laugh away, I find it quite hilarious too.

Without further ado, here is
Emily’s Unorganized List of Mortifying Shit She’s Done.

1. I once wet my pants at school in first grade. (haha, like that was the only time). My solution to this was to pour more water on them until they were totally soaked. I then played it off like I fell into a puddle. On a non-rainy day. Before we even had recess that day. 

2. I brought a real goose foot to show and tell in the second grade.My mom’s boyfriend was plucking/skinning/Jeffrey Dahmer-ing his hunted geese, and I was so excited about the feathers and various leavings, that I just HAD to bring in those treasures to show the class. I then proceeded to put some feathers and a dismembered goose foot into a ziploc bag, and take it to show and tell. Surprisingly, I was not sent away to the asylum I clearly needed.


3. I had a crush on a guy, and later found out he was my second cousin. But it was okay, because you have your cousin, then your first cousin, then your second cousin and he was like a totally good kisser (kidding).
(call me)

4. I sang a solo at Bible Camp for ABSOLUTELY NO GOOD REASON. In front of the entire mess hall. It was, “When You Say Nothing At All.” I remember announcing it as my ‘love song to God.’

5. Frequently and incorrectly used the term ‘Hanky Panky’ in elementary school. I always thought it was just some old timey way of saying ‘hang-out’. By the time I reached 6th grade, I had done the Hanky-Panky with some guys and many, many girls. I was a regular Lothario.

6. In 6th grade, I wrote a love note to my crush, asking him out. When that crashed an burned into a horrible rejective disaster, I stayed in the bathroom for 3 hours. The principal had to come in and scold me before I would come out. That’s how you know it was true love.

7. I frequently flipped classmates the bird in Kindergarten. My siblings taught me how and I didn’t realize it was bad until I got into a LOT of trouble by the teacher.
Or maybe I learned it elsewhere, I’m not sure.

8. I bit someone at school and left a scar. I was forever known for biting that kid. It was sort of hard to make friends after that.
(He knowth the feelth. It thuckth.)

9. I got the lead in the school play, and fell off the stage. I was also quite famous for that.

10. I wrote a personal ‘essay’? on what I thought sex was, when I was around 10. It was found, but I don’t remember by who. I have since repressed that memory in a deep, dark place.
11. In high school, I came up with a self-appointed nickname, and constantly used it on myself. It wasn’t even that creative: Em-Dawg. I put it as my yearbook nickname, I have it on clothing, I also made my own logo (a dog shaped like an ‘M’) and made my own ‘gang symbol’.

12. I called people ‘chodes’ in junior high. I did not know the true nature of the word. I thought it was synonymous with ‘putz’.
(and for those of you innocents out there: chode means stubby phallus)

13. In 3rd grade, I wore a Bacardi hat to school on Beach Dress-up Day. In my defense, I did not know what Bacardi was, and it was bright pink, and it had a palm tree and a parrot on it, AND my teachers never forced me to take it off. Am I really to blame here?

14. I catfished myself. Yes, it’s true. In a fit of total ‘forever alone’ness, I made up a boyfriend in junior high. It started off small, but it quickly snowballed into a borderline-sociopathic web of lies and mistaken identities that would take years to get over.
Hey, don’t judge me! You people all thought it was a wonderfully fun thing when Olive Penderghast did it.
Girl, I feel you.

15. I used to think I was am hot shit. Oh you silly, stupid girl, you. You should never become too pompous in your abilities because if there’s one thing I’ve consistently learned is that, “No matter how good you are at something, there is always someone better.”
Now I’m not saying, “Don’t be proud of your abilities.” You need to accept and be proud of your skills. Going to your full potential with positive activities that you are passionate about will almost undoubtedly make the world a better place.

Just don’t turn into a big cocky jerk with it. If it has been a while since life has knocked you on your infinitesimal ass, make sure you serve yourself some humble pie before someone else does. It will almost always go a little smoother if you do it yourself.
Well, check back in about a week or so, and see if this humblebrag extravaganza was a miraculous fail. If I seemed to fall off the face of the blogospere, it will mean that I have trusted this delicate information with the wrong people.


Or it will simply mean that I do not care how much I will be teased for the things on this list, and am most likely taking another blog-siesta.


Hello everyone.

This post will be more of a somber note. Which, in my terms, will still contain plenty of lame jokes. Call it a debilitating need to avoid negative emotion (still visiting that shrink, FYI) or just call it plain ‘ol grade-A immaturity. For the sake of blog topics, let’s just go with the latter. As some of you may know, I recently celebrated a Birthday. As for you that do not know, I turned the magnificent age of 24.

To celebrate, I’ve decided to compile not one, but two lists for you all today. (All for the low price of 29.99!) One list will cover the 13 things I’ve learned over year 23, and the other list will be 11 things I hope to learn/gain from the future.

13 lessons of 23

1. “No one likes you when you’re 23.”

This may seem pretty shallow, but there is such a deep truth resonating within these Sophomoric lyrics. At this age everyone considers you old enough to be an adult, fully ready to deal with all of your problems, but also you are still too young to be taken seriously in your family and work life. One thing I noticed this year is that no matter what, respected coworkers and select family seemed to disregard my emotions and experiences as a lesser occurrence. All of that was hard to swallow as this was arguably one of the most transformative years of my life.

2. No matter how bad things seem to be they could always be worse.

Things sure sucked at times, but I had to always remember that things could definitely get worse. It was my own Pessimistic brand of Optimism. Bring it, Dementors.


3. No matter how much acceptance there may be in the world, there is still a very far way for us all to come.

I have always known how close-minded humanity can be (rural America, hello), but as I’ve come to embrace some pretty steep self-truths, I’ve realized how much a person can feel isolated by people they’ve known and loved for years. There is really no blame or hostility to direct here. I will simply put that even though you may have known someone your entire life, just know that even the people you know and love are constantly growing and changing as people, so always be at the ready to learn, grow, and accept the changing nature of human life.

4. Wash your car.

Especially if you live in an area of the world that salts icy roads. Trust me on this. I had to prematurely send my trusty steed Harvey Dent the Lumina to the glue factory because the bottom got so rusted out.

5. No matter how long you’ve known someone, you’ll never stop learning about who they really are.

I mentioned this again, but from the flip side of things, because it is so damn important. This was a lesson that reared its head many times over my 23rd year. It was both an unexpected blessing, growing closer with people I would have never imagined, and a terrible curse, feeling the sting of rejection from people I thought I could trust above all else.

6. There are FAR worse things in the world than a breakup.

If you would have told me this a year ago, I would have laughed hysterically before crying into my Ben&Jerrys. But in all honesty, this is so so true.

7. I finally understand why some people fear commitment.

Again, if you would have mentioned this to me a year ago, I would’ve laughed/cried and hugged you tightly screeching “No, don’t go! I cannot possibly feel validated unless there is another human who cannot bear to live without me!! THESE ARE ALL PERFECTLY RATIONAL RELATIONSHIP APPROACHES!”


But after feeling the pain of all sorts of loss, I’ve come to realize that I cannot place all of my self-worth and happiness on another person. And even while building trust and opening emotional doors to another person is essential when done in a healthy manner, the prospect of placing even a small emotional stake in the unknown is a really frightening thing.

8. Living on your own brings out your inner conversationalist.

Since I have spent so much time on my own, I have really felt the urge for good conversation. Since there is no one to waggle my jaw at, I simply talk to myself. It may seem a little out there, but it really helps to pass the time and organize your thoughts, and practice your accents of course!

9. You realize how one-sided some friendships can be.

If anyone already relates to that, I’m sorry. I feel you. It sucks. For those of you who maybe don’t know what I’m getting at with this let me break it down for you in two ways:

-If you’ve ever had a ‘friend’ that seems to show curiosity vs empathy in the face of your hardships, congratulations, they’re not a friend.

-If you’ve ever decided not to be the one to initiate contact for once, and then never hear from that person again, congratulations, they weren’t your friend either.

Unfortunately for me, I have experienced this during some pretty rough patches of the year.

10. “The flower that blooms in adversity is the rarest and most beautiful of all.”

Oh yeah, I totally pulled out a Mulan quote that surprisingly didn’t involve business, Huns, or the dark side of the moon. Mushu would be so proud.


But in all seriousness, this quote rings so true. While some of the troubling things I have faced this year may have been tough, they’ve also led me to reach out to some people I would have otherwise never have acknowledged. And while those friendships may have been born out of very dreary origins, they developed into some of the most endearing and supporting friendships I have ever known. I am thoroughly convinced that those bonds may have been my saving grace through some of the tribulations I have gone through.

This quote also rings true to the some of the relationships/friendships I already have, that really showed their true and beautiful colors in the face of the tremendous adversity I faced.

11. Never underestimate the younger generations.

Too often I see so much hostility or ignorance of the younger generation for being ‘narcissistic’ and ‘lazy’, even by people who are not that much older. (I’ve even been guilty of it).

But as I’ve grown a bond with my nieces, I realize that they, like everyone else their age, hold so much promise for the future. I learned how to bounce back in the free-falling grief of a family death from an 11-year-old. The fact that someone so young is able to find the drive and determination to go on and achieve in life after losing a parent is truly a feat most adults cannot even reach.

I am also inspired by the incredible tolerance of a 13-year-old. Her willingness to understand and embrace walks of life that differ so much from what is ingrained as ‘normal’ truly inspires me. She doesn’t realize how much I draw upon her beautiful acceptance when I am trying to find the strength to battle my own personal doubts and self-dislike.

12. Laugh often.

C’mon everyone. You know me by know. This is tried and true to help solve every single problem I have faced. I recently had a conversation with a very close friend, who has also gone through some tough losses recently. They were about to tell a dark and morbid joke relating to their situation, but initially refrained, feeling guilty. I encouraged them to not feel guilty for that form of expression. To me it reflects taking exhausting and crippling emotions such as sadness and anger, and transferring them into more digestible feelings. You can only feel sad/angry for so long before your body and mind cannot take any more. You need to try to find some sort of reason to smile.

I’ve used this clip before, but I need it again to drive this point home.

Now you can’t feel too guilty because I doubt your sense of humor gets much darker than that.

13.  Don’t ever let anyone make you feel bad for how you feel.

Some people may think I am incapable of experiencing human emotion, and may be a closeted sociopath. While examples like the previous video may not make a strong case for my emotional capacity, it does not mean I do not experience sadness and pain like others. If you value any sort of relationship with anyone, never discredit their emotions just because they may not fall into your personal understanding.

11 things I hope to learn/achieve in year 24 

1. I want to keep my foot out of my mouth.

Over the years I’ve said some pretty stupid things born out of ignorance. Normally I have a ‘give-no-fucks, past is in the past’ mentality when I notice my faux paus, but now I’m reflecting on some of the things I’ve said and noticed that they are hurtful to who I am becoming today. That is regrettably something I know must change going forward.

2. Do what I love.

No, this doesn’t necessarily mean that I should quit my day-job and go to clown college (which is not something I’d love). But it does mean I should make time to do things I love. Just make sure it can coincide with the less-thrilling practicalities of everyday life. If it’s some sort of project, stick to it. If we all let our doubts about how ‘good’ it may be prevent us from actually doing something, then we are clearly missing the point of a hobby. Hobbies are wonderful beautiful brainchildren that we need to constantly hatch and develop to make the world a better, more joyous place!


..well most hobbies..

3. Family is everything.

But family can include whoever makes you feel loved, valued, and appreciated as a family is made to do, not blood or law.

4. Have a plan for Zombies.

Go ahead, scoff. It sounds completely asinine. You’re right. But what harm could truly come out of developing some sort of backup plan in case humanity and the order of the world comes crumbling down at our feet and those we hold near and dear turn into horrendous blood-thirsty monsters in our hour of strongest need and desperation? I don’t see the harm out of it.

So you all can mock me, but I have plans made. Mainly inspired by a mentor of sorts.

5. Don’t let work take over my life.

Many workplaces have the philosophy that when you clock in, you leave your personal troubles at the door. Well, that goes both ways in my opinion. I see too many people sit and worry themselves sick over problems at work that our out of their control once they are out of the office. I myself have worked myself into a tizzy the night before a stressful workday. It does not good to do that, if anything it only puts yourself more on edge and depletes from your true life enjoyment.

We all need to work on a more self-preserving approach.
(let’s all take a moment to appreciate the fact that I am not on any sort of emergency response team)

6. I mustn’t fear love, even if I’m unsure of how it will come to pass.

Try as I might to pass off as cavalier about this subject, there is a barrage of uncertainty about this constantly inside of my head. When time normally brings more clarity on life matters such as these, for me it only seems to bring more uncertainty. I can only keep learning about myself and what makes me truly happy in life before I can find a person to compliment that journey.

7. Live healthier.

Yeah, I make plenty of jokes about laziness, eating crappy food, and general avoidance of exercise.
This may as well be my catch phrase:

But I realize that my metabolism is slowing, and my expectations are changing. I have already taken steps to getting more active in life by eating more greens and homemade meals, drinking more tea, having a quasi-regular workout schedule, and SIGNING UP FOR MY FIRST 5K!!! (It’s a really easygoing one, but baby-steps people).

Even though I have taken some steps of self-improvement, I will always be who I truly am: a gal who’s Netflix Queue has a larger number than what she can bench, and someone who will lose her shit if red meat and dairy are eliminated from her diet.

^my relationship with steak.

8. Live life for myself.

This may sound selfish, but it’s actually quite important. While it is always important to always be mindful of other peoples feelings and opinions, it is harmful to live your own life truly for the sake of other people.

9. Party less.

This is seemingly an unnecessary addition to the list because I don’t really party anymore. I lack… what you could call… the social skills.

But recently I heard the brilliantly composed masterpiece “Shots” on the radio, and immediately burped up the sick taste of UV-Blue flavored collegiate nostalgia.

Why do I lament the fact that I cannot drink and party like I used to? It really isn’t that much to look up to.

Except being a wine drunk. Then you don’t have a problem, you’re just eccentric and classy.

10. Find the conviction within me to be open about who I am as a person, and strive for whatever happiness I desire.

You may be thinking, “Well, duh! We’ve had that drilled into our heads ever since childhood! How could you possibly forget that that is the true key to a good life?”

Well, I have some reasons.

First off, this simple statement shouldn’t apply to everyone.

(In case you all forgot about that Monty Python video revealing how truly tasteless I can be.)

And furthermore, even though I had that inspirational goal implanted in my sweet-little-Barney-loving heart, I wasn’t truly embracing that credo. I wasted years thinking I was embracing my true self, but time and life pulled out their usual fuckery and reminded me that I was so, so wrong. To this day there are incredibly large parts of my personality and soul that I am only recently stumbling upon. My journey ahead will involve me opening those doors within myself and embracing aspects of me that I have locked away out of shallowness and doubt.

11. “Wear sunscreen.”

…just watch it. It says everything needed to be said.



Hello everyone.

I was trying to come up with some sort of a list for this week because I’ve come to realize I tend to write a little better in list form. Call it an addiction to Buzzfeed, call it a childhood of glorious VH1 countdowns, call it a detached urge to compartmentalize every facet in my life in a hopeless attempt to emotionally distance myself. (Did I mention I started seeing a shrink?)

Point is, I cannot think of some sort of handy-dandy list for this week so prepare for another ramble! Nah, I don’t want to drive you readers (all.. 5 of you?) away. So here you go the ultimate list of the week.

Blogs I Wrote This Week


So I had considered writing about Valentines Day back when that was still a thing but I decided against it. Because I already wrote about relationship stuff recently and I am infamously lazy (see: shameless copout above). Also, my Valentines Day was pretty low key. It was mainly filled with alternating dances to

And This:

I sat in bed eating microwave quesadillas, drinking bourbon, and catching up on Downton Abbey…

She may not be, but y’all should be impressed. That’s some classy shit, people.

Well as I was doing that as well as other stuff and things.

….speaking of ‘Stuff… and Thangs’, one of my favorite shows, The Walking Dead, has returned! Or as I like to call it, The Women Badasses.
And last but not least:
One more for Glenn Coco(Rhee)

Wow…You go Glenn Coco(Rhee)!!

Aside from my copious tv immersion, I ACTUALLY WENT OUT AND DID STUFF RECENTLY!!

I went to the Mall of America, which always struck me odd that a shopping center would be Minnesota’s international claim to fame. When I think of all the latest and most high-end fashions, the Midwest usually doesn’t come to mind.

Since my timing is as always, impeccably horrendous, I decided to make this venture during the recent Snowpocalypse known as Winter Storm Seneca. I tried to sing to calm my nerves during the fearful drive.

But then I realized my cheerful ballads would have no effect on what was clearly happening here.

Ragnarok, the Norse Apocalypse. This torrential barrage of snow, chaos, and destruction was clearly the act of the Frost Giants bringing humanity to its knees to be ready for the One True Ruler to conquer Earth.
I then abandoned all worry because I knew humanity would be in capable, beautiful, magnificent… -ahem, hands.

After perusing the mall for a while, I attended Red Bull Crashed Ice!

“But Emily,” You may be asking, “Whatever is Red Bull Crashed Ice?”

Well, if you’d like, you can click here for a more detailed explanation.
But if you’re one of those people who actually expect me to write detailed accounts of my life experiences on my blog, ugh.. I guess…

Red Bull Crashed Ice is an international extreme sports event where skaters from all around the world must compete in an obstacle course ice race track. The track that was used in St. Paul had a 5 story drop, plenty of jumps, a 180 degree turn, and all other agents of chaos.

Did I mention that four big tough skaters must navigate this narrow death trap at the same time? Races pretty much go like this:

But all in all it was a complete blast to watch, and there were miraculously no major injuries sustained during the event. It was well worth the few hours of spectating in 8 degree weather.

Overall, I would give this weekend a 3.5/4 horsemen on the Apocalypse scale.

Until next time everyone! (If Loki wills it)

I’m glad I am a Speechie, there’s nothing I’d rather be!

Hello to you all!

I hope this finds you all blessed and in a good place in life.
Scratch that.

I don’t know all of the people reading this, and I’ve never found that statement to hold any significant meaning. Surely you know the type of people who blurt it out all too frequently. The truth of the matter is that doing that loses its sincerity, and states the obvious. Unless you’re a sociopath, or are dealing with sociopaths, you generally do not wish that people won’t be blessed in life. Its really one of those things that goes without saying.

By vocalizing such a thing, (usually tied to a ‘Happy Friday!’ social media post) you may play it under the idea that you clearly want to validate others and wish them blessings, but admittedly there is also a part of you (ranging from tiny to astronomical) that simply wants to be seen well-wishing strangers. Hey I’m guilty of it too, it’s this little thing I’m trying called BEING A HUMAN.

I just want to say here and now that that facade doesn’t work on everyone. I don’t surf my News Feed thinking, “Oh no another post from [horrible person]. I’m so tired of hearing from her, I should really just unfriend her. Oh.. wait!”

TGIF Facebook Fam, peace and blessings, namaste!

“Well, I won’t be unfriending someone so selfless as to make a generic post of a deep-seeded wish for all the happiness/peace life can bring. That is a grade-A person there.” I will be frank in saying that those people NEVER make me feel that way. They actually make me more wary of how insincere they are. Save your blessings for those people or moments closest to your heart, because it will truly feel like a treasure you and those few special people share.

You all should know that everyone you vaguely know is just fine with the idea that you should have a blessed life. I wish that upon you all, as well, although it is really quite pointless to say. If any of you fools still aren’t getting it and need to get some tangible validation, here you go:

Now you may be thinking, “Good God Debbie Downer! I paid for comedy gold, not passive agressive soapbox time! What in blue blazes does this have to do with anything?”

As you can maybe tell, I’m not in the greatest of moods. It is a really infamous time of year known as STILL FUCKING WINTER, where all the little boys and girls start to get a little stir crazy from isolation, extreme cold, and deplorable driving conditions and say a big ‘ol FUCK IT to the gilded sense of changing for the better/goodwill towards all that Christmas/New Years brings.
Then you sprinkle in a highly massive failure of a work move, and a very tragic loss of fictional love that in your mental instability/isolation, you held a little too close to your heart to let go.

Yeah, like that.

And you get the ishy feelings that only belong in Lana Del Rey songs that I have been swimming in for the past few weeks.

Point being, I have found myself in sort of an awkward meh Limbo of sorts. But I do see the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. Spring will come…


Walking Dead (and other wonderful tv returns!)

Aaaand…. Speech Season begins again.

What is Speech, you may ask? Well… It’s a wonderful extracurricular activity that is centered around students performing various written selections, TL;DR, click here for an explanation.

It is also the topic of this here post, compadre.

Yes. All that stuff you read up there…. just the intro MOFOs!

Okay, okay, first things first. Why have I taken such an interest in a high school event?

Am I hopelessly trying to relive old glory days and missed opportunities?

Do I have some creepy obsession with the lives of awkward teenagers?

I happen to use my experiences of being a former Speechie to judge the meets; which is a culmination of enjoying the work done, offering my critiques of the work, some money, and most importantly, free food.

Now Speech is consisted of 13 categories.

1. Extemporaneous Speaking

  •  What it is: Students draw a current event question and have 30 minutes to prepare a speech to answer that question, citing specific examples (ie: the hardest effing category)
  • What kinds of people you find there: Either lazy slackers that like winning by default (because barely anyone enters this category) or extraordinarily gifted and prepared young minds. NO HAPPY MEDIUMS HERE.

2. Extemporaneous Reading

  • What it is: Students draw a selection from a large book comprised of short stories and poems and have 30 minutes to prepare to read their selection.
  • What kinds of people you find there: People who dislike memorization, and who enjoy the pretentious feeling of reading serious art out of a book. (ie: people who wear fake glasses, people who like to seem smart without actually doing much, etc) I was in this category for a year.
    …. Speaks volumes doesn’t it?….

3. Storytelling

  • What it is: Students draw a folktale out of a book they receive at the beginning of the season and have 30 minutes to prepare to tell the story in an animated and engaged way, without the book.
  • What kinds of people you find there: Students who like kids, Disney movies, and teaching lessons while remaining ‘fun’.
    (ie: The Frizz is your friggin’ idol.)

Now you may have noticed the repetitive use of ‘draw’ and ’30 minutes’, or you may have ignored that because I’m a pretty flawed writer that tends to repeat myself quite a bit. But this time it was intentional. Those categories were all “draw categories”.

4. Discussion

  • What it is: I really don’t know the specifics, but I believe a group of students sit around a table and discuss a current event topic picked at the beginning of the season. The students have to cite specific sources, etc. Sorta like Extemp Speaking, except the tournament holders are forcing the awkward dorks that like that sort of thing to interact/feed off of each other. (I say these insults with love, kids.)
  • What sort of people you find there: People who join Speech with the common misconception that is is Debate, people who employ the use of various thought-enhancing gestures (ie: pantomiming peeling a banana), people who are terrified of actually having to speak in front of people alone, people who hate to stand, people who love that they can call their category Disco, and reap the benefits of all the cool puns that spark.

5.  Great Speeches

  • What it is: Students take a famous speech from history and perform it, while also taking time to describe an analysis of the speech.
  • What sorts of people you find there:
    (ie: Leslie Knope)

6. Serious Prose

  • What it is: The student performs a selection from a book, short story, that is serious in nature.
  • What kinds of people you find there: Isolated loners, intelligent book-lovers, disillusioned old-souls, total kill-joys, and a few very talented actors, cat lovers, people who began drinking coffee at age 11.

7. Serious Drama

  • What it is: The student performs a selection from a play that is serious in nature. (ie: pretty much the same thing as Prose)
  • What kinds of people you find there: Same thing as Prose, but with more chicks, and people who have a zeal for multiple characters/voices.

8. Serious Poetry

  • What it is: The student performs a selection from a poem/series of poems that are serious in nature.
  • What kinds of people you find there: Kids that refuse to acknowledge that the emo-generation is passed, ‘writers’, kids who get more pumped at going to a poetry slam than a concert, kids who have not only had their first coffee by age 11, but their first scotch and cigarettes by age 13, girls (and sometimes guys… no judgy!) that look like Lorde in both dress and presentation gestures.

9. Informative

  • What it is: The student presents a self-written speech on a topic. The use of visual aids is allowed.
  • What kinds of people you find there: Kids who think they’re quite interesting but don’t always gather that the opposite may be true, truly interesting and dynamic individuals who provide new insights, kids who enjoy pointing at things, kids that need the slight boost of courage in the form of a tripod of construction paper diagrams, smart kids who look up to Bill Nye.
    (I just called all of you smart. Who wouldn’t look up to such a charming fellow?)

10. Original Oratory

  • What it is: The student picks a topic of division, and attempts to persuade the audience to one side of the issue using a self-written speech with source citation.
  • What kinds of people you find there: Pushy people, people who enjoy playing devils advocate, people who join Speech with the misguided notion that they are joining Debate, people you usually have considered hiding from your Facebook feed, thoughtful people who have a strong sense of well-founded conviction and wisdom beyond their years (or as they’re known in the high school realm: unicorns).

11. Humorous

  • What it is: The student performs a selection from a play, short story, or book that is humorous in nature.
  • What kinds of people you find there: kids who think they’re funny, kids who enjoy impressions, kids who are unnaturally energetic, kids with the misguided sense that they are joining the ‘least-crazy’ category (when debatably, the opposite is true), highly competitive kids (ie: people who refuse to laugh at a competitor no matter how funny their speech may be, creating a suffocating blanket of silent intimidation for the competitor).

12. Dramatic Duo

  • What it is: The only category students can have another person to perform with. Selections can be from humorous or serious plays, short stories, or books.
  • What kinds of people you find there: the kinds of people who cannot part from their bff/bro, people who don’t necessarily care about winning but just having a good time, people slightly less awkward than the rest of the category speakers, people with a fear of speaking alone.

And finally,

13. Creative Expression

  • What it is: A self-written speech that can either be humorous or serious in nature.
  • What kinds of people you find there: ‘writers’, real writers, truly terrifying people (ie: kids who perform eerily specific selections on serial killers), kids that just wanna be themselves and arrogantly thinks the already published works of celebrated authors cannot possibly capture the complexities that enter their 15-year-old brain (ie: every high schooler), extremely depressed yet snarkily sarcastic kids, recluses that show a hidden ability to amuse a crowd after dragging them out of isolation kicking and screaming.I was in this category as well.

I learned so many wonderful things from my time in Speech, probably the most important lessons were how to talk to walls and how to execute proper Conclusion

Dates are good for self-esteem… and bowels.

Ladies and Gentlemen…..   MY TRIUMPHANT RETURN!!    *cue music*

Or… to keep up with the times…

Bet you thought you thought you’d seen the last of me.

Yeah, I took an unexpected party (Baggins style, yo) and by party I mean fiesta, and by fiesta I mean siesta. I realize two months of slacking may seem excessive to you, but think about the bears! …tangent aside, I do realize I missed important things to write about (Christmas, the much needed farewell to 2013, and uhhhh… that, over there) and I still refuse to write about them. So farewell to Christmas (seriously people… take your decorations down already!) and fare-freaking-well to 2013. It’s been a delight. (By delight I mean tremendous disappointment, mental anguish, and soul-numbing mush-bucket.)

Anyways, on to the blog. The topic this week shall go big and bold as I start this new year. I am going to discuss relationships/men/dating etc. Will this be a hot mess of written bashing to all the men who have wronged me in my life? Well, it may very well be a hot mess, but I will keep the bashing to a minimal/anecdotal caliber. Quite frankly, there have been so many more life changes that deserve my attention and emotions so much more.

So my point is, I’m ok, I’m over all of it, I’m a completely sane person who is soooo much better without another person to validate my existence, blabbity blabbity blah.
Who knows, maybe I may get a lyrical tattoo reaffirming me to stand my ground, live and let die, eat more cheese, you know.. the usual tropes. That’ll teach them.

Anyways after the breakup, I spent my days (read:months) wallowing in self pity and remorse.

An average weekend mapped out as follows.

– 18 hours of alternating between My Little Pony and Breaking Bad marathon sessions.
– 2 hours of obligatory familial interaction to avoid snap judgements of deteriorating mental state.
– 10 hours of in-depth social media stalking.
url– 12 minutes spent for meal production. (Includes microwaving tacquitos, easy-mac, and entire cans of corn (when feeling healthy.))
– 20 minutes of precariously balancing soda cans, Ben and Jerry’s containers, personal pizza boxes, fruit snack wrappers, and yogurt cups (when feeling healthy) into a small trash can in a feat of engineering prowess rarely seen outside of a Jenga game.
– Remaining time spent in a hazy mixture of watching Beaches, The Notebook, Pocahontas, and Forrest Gump with intense nap sessions that result in dreams so vivid it tends to blur reality.

Eventually I got out of those self-destructive patterns and got into new, seemingly more healthy ones, like searching for the special someone that would fill the emotional void in my life.

At first I would attempt to go out in real life to attempt to meet some dates. But being from rural America, this pretty much leaves a bar as your only option. While some guys seemed nice, quite a few were brashly open about their less-than honorable intentions.

It would usually play out like this:


Don’t get me wrong. I love myself a man with a giant, meaty, throbbing… vocabulary just fine, but that doesn’t mean you go whipping it out at the first gal who bats an eyelash at you. (Actually, yes, double entendre aside, whip out the vocabulary immediately.)

I realized that the rural bar scene wasn’t my thing and moved on to bigger and …. (I realize ‘better’ should go there, but it just doesn’t feel right) things: Online Dating.

Now this brought on a whole bucket of awkward.
PUBLISHED by catsmob.comBut so was my single life.

First, upon creating my profile, I was met with an eclectic barrage of messages from members who had viewed my profile. At first, my full inbox excited me and made me feel better about myself.
But upon further investigation, I realized that my inbox was just a cesspool of deviants ranging from:

1. The boring men who lacked in basic conversation skills.

2. The 40+ year olds who had a disturbingly ‘youthful’ side.
-“hey u r beautiful. i would love to show a pretty girl like u how much ive learned over the years. if u like older men i can make u feel realy good.”

3. The geeky men with lush neckbeards who actually read my profile.
They saw how ‘nerdy‘ I am, and wrote something heartfelt as follows:

..except in their mind the conversation would go along the lines of:
“You complete.. my Aggro deck.” (click for translation)
“You had me at ‘Thanos could totally pwn Galactus with the Infinity Gauntlet’.”

*please note that I am not a nerd-hater and I’m sure these men were very nice people, I just realized that there were many things about them that I probably couldn’t relate to.

4. The dude-bros that probably should be in a relationship with themselves.
-“Hey ur hot. Wanna meet up sometime? I like going to the gym a lot so I do look as good as my picture. I hope you do 2. I hate when girls don’t look as good as their pic.”

Once I recognized the true terror of the culture I had immersed myself in, I acted accordingly.
To be honest, it didn’t play out that way (it was sure close.)

I met (read: anonymously clicked on profiles) a variety of men who seemed to share a lot of interests. But I realized that to move past the messaging stage into actually physically meeting these people (who may or may not be completely shady) created too much anxiety for me, and too much effort to overcome that anxiety and actually ‘make it happen’. So my online-dating days ended with a quiet fizzle. (Much like how my sabbatical from the blogosphere occured).
So now I’m just in a place where my desire to go out and actively find a person to date consistently loses to my newly found self-esteem and faith in the fact that the ‘right person’ will come along.
Feel free to check back in a few weeks to see if my old friend, desperation, comes roarin’ on back to kick that healthy mentality in the metaphorical balls.

Until next time people!