Summertime Sadness: A Reflection on My Dating Life

So..
hellonurse
This is sorta awkward guys. I know it’s been a while. I know you may be coping with some abandonment issues. I know I am grossly overestimating how much people actually like this blog. But, explanations will be given anyways.It’s summer everyone! It means festivals, friends, beach, outside, ice cream, copious thigh sweat, and ant infestations.

I’m not even going to pretend to care what you foolish mortals have done with your spare time, but I have been up to quite a bit.

For one: IT’s Summer! I’ve been enjoying the pleasant weather. And by that I mean “FUCKING CONSTANT BARRAGE OF RAIN” Seriously though. It’s excessive. We now have 20,000 lakes. In times like these I still try to keep a positive outlook on the situation.
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Besides, we all know if it was over 75 degrees, my summer would pretty much wind up like this:
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But yes, outdoors. I have committed numerous outdoor acts in the recent months.

I went camping! It was wonderful and only had a max of three parasitic organisms draining me of my life-force. No, I was not attacked by ticks or mosquitos draining me of my blood. The parasites in question were my lovely  nieces* and the aforementioned life-force happens to be 4g service on my cell phone. So, like the terrible people we all were, we spent each night binge-watching Adventure Time rather than ‘becoming one with nature’ or some sentimental crap like that.

*I seriously never would insult my nieces on a public platform. Any seemingly negative qualities I may attribute to them are only ones I myself would be equally guilty of. I most likely taught them terrible things :-).

There was still plenty of fun to be had outdoors. We went kite flying! Which, apparently becomes hard as Satanic Hell when you pass the age of 18.

This is what happens when you Google: 'Kite Fail' btw. (Accurate Depiction)

This is what happens when you Google: ‘Kite Fail’ btw.
(Accurate Depiction)

If camping will always be like that wonderful weekend, then count me in for more!

Hmm. What else was done in the dreadful outdoors? Ah yes, training for my first 5K. It is coming along quite fast (in one week) and have recently discovered shocking new developments that have led me to drastically change my preparations.

All that time. Spent in outdoor Tiki Bars.... spent for naught.

All that time. Spent in outdoor Tiki Bars…. spent for naught.

 

I also have been driving profusely to visit friends and family, setting stuff on fire, and some other outdoorsy stuff. If you really wanna know what I all did outside, just check out my Instagram. As a true Millennial, I can’t possibly let my mediocre adventures go undocumented.

Okay. Let’s see. Now for indoor activities…

oh yeah, of course.

I watched ALL episodes of Orange Is The New Black in one sitting. I’m not even regretting it. I’m not even sorry. That show just has some sort of effect on me.

Okay no, not THAT effect. C'mon guys. That's what Fan-Fic is for...

Okay no, not THAT effect.
C’mon guys. That’s what Fan-Fic is for…

But no. Somehow I made it through ALL THE EPISODES. And wound up in a mind-blown haze of wonder and bewilderment.

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I WOKE UP LIKE DIS

Did I realize the abject horror one person [Vee] could unleash upon the inmates?
Absolutely not.

Did I realize that the superb writing would shake my own self-filled backstories to the core and change how I perceived seemingly harmless characters [Morello]?
No way!

Did I really think I could possibly find new character favorites [POUSSEY!!] in the midsts of one of the strongest ensembles on television?
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So yeah. Season 2 was pure brilliance. Moving on.

So guys, the real reason I’ve taken to slacker-status on my blogging is because I’ve made another venture out in the realm of dating. I take breaks from dating because 1. I am too freaking awkward 2. It gets physically and mentally exhausting trying to switch that off to impress someone. 3. I usually have to drain that preciously finite energy from other sources, ie: the delightfully cliche pun-making, gif-herding, and meta self-depreciation that comprises this ‘blog’.

But yes. I am ready again. Let us hope this attempt is much different than other times. Well, actually it is. Way different. But I maybe will extrapolate on that all one fine day.

Anyways. Explanations, yeah? You see, normally when I get back on a dating kick, I now result to a no-shame beeline for online dating. Getting to type a fully contrived persona before meeting someone? My confidence exudes as follows:

It's going dowwwn.  I'm yelling "TINDERRRRR!!"""

It’s going dowwwn.
I’m yelling “TINDERRRRR!!”

 

However, since this dating venture is super drastically different in ways unknown to some and possibly obvious to others, I did not make a beeline to such methods.

Somehow, miraculously, I have still met a few people. Some have been a tad underwhelming and have clearly NOT read the guidelines I listed in a potential mate.
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Some of these potential people have been quite wonderful. But then I screw it up. Before you try to accept my pity-party invitation, please know that the statement is scathingly true. I am awkward as shit and it seriously gets in the way.

Seriously, let me paint you a picture of some of my bloopers that send the others running.

– Discussing the fact that I came up with my own ‘sexy’ choreography to the Disney song, ‘Be Prepared’ (Scar’s song).

In my defense… How could you NOT?

– Explaining the Socialist implications of how game boosts are given in Mario Kart.

– Revealing that my love of pickles has conditioned me in a Pavlovian (yes I actually said Pavlovian) way to legitimately begin drooling when I see a pickle jar.

-Making creepily early references to any sort of romantic connection on a public blog.

Now, there are plenty more dumb errors I have made. It has led to some people understandably exiting the situation. It has also left some remaining stragglers.

Just in time for stage 2!

Now, sensibly, if someone puts up with those initial ridiculous shenanigans, I would realize they are actually sorta interested and you know, chill?

Absolutely freaking NOT.

Absolutely freaking NOT.

You see, now is the time that I hold unnaturally deep conversations with people. Just words. All the time.

It begins innocently. It really does. You see guys, I cannot just have a purely physical connection with someone. They need them a purdy brain before they can be ready for this Jelly. It can still wind up being a somewhat ‘casual’ relationship thing with that person.

It just unfortunately seems like I am trying to ‘wife the shit outta them’ (actual statement I’ve heard). That is not the case, however.

I have decided that it breaks down to this: You know how some people can casually throw around their kitty?

Or some wait until marriage. Whatever you do is fine! As long as you do you!

Or some wait until marriage. Whatever you do is fine! As long as you do you!

Well I can respect and understand those women who just wanna casually throw around their kitty as long they’re safe, consenting, happy, etc, awesome! But I am just NOT one of those girls.

Instead of casually throwing my kitty, I casually throw around my soul and personality. I get a real joy out of making a connection with someone. It fulfills me just like that. It doesn’t always need to escalate. It doesn’t need to evolve into a lofty-label. It doesn’t mean I am planning the names of our unborn.

It simply means this: I am connecting with you on a deeper level than the general public, and I am enjoying the CURRENT MOMENT of it all. The ONLY implication this will give of future events is of potential kitty-throwing.

TL;DR: I’m not trying to be a wife here. I’m just a weirdo that still needs an emotional connection even in more casual relationships.

If you fools seriously thought I explained this to my dates and cleared the confusion, GTFO. You have clearly not grasped my eloquent depiction of my inherent ability NOT to simplify things.

Instead of keeping it simple and open, I just babbled. More. And more. And more. And when confronted with my completely unsexy tendency to babble, I simply began backpedalling. Instead of the proper route which is: ‘Chill the Fuck out’ I just kept up with the word vomit. Eventually all my words became a revolting clusterfuck.

So much so, I’ve taken to calling the whole phenomenon RAT KINGDon’t know what that is? Well, Google it. I’ll wait here.. because it’s absolutely disgusting. Which is precisely how I feel about my antics when I screw things up like this.

So naturally, I have had the inevitable “We should just be friends” statement thrown my way. It sucks. But I get it. I really need to do an overhaul here.

I have a lesson throughout all of this, folks. Stop overthinking. Stop trying to rationalize and talk your way through things that really SHOULDN’T be rationalized. Just do. Just be. Just live. You’re going to get a lot more respect and happiness that way. If not from others, then definitely from yourself.

 

ex-ex-eye-vee

Hello everyone.

This post will be more of a somber note. Which, in my terms, will still contain plenty of lame jokes. Call it a debilitating need to avoid negative emotion (still visiting that shrink, FYI) or just call it plain ‘ol grade-A immaturity. For the sake of blog topics, let’s just go with the latter. As some of you may know, I recently celebrated a Birthday. As for you that do not know, I turned the magnificent age of 24.

To celebrate, I’ve decided to compile not one, but two lists for you all today. (All for the low price of 29.99!) One list will cover the 13 things I’ve learned over year 23, and the other list will be 11 things I hope to learn/gain from the future.

13 lessons of 23

1. “No one likes you when you’re 23.”

This may seem pretty shallow, but there is such a deep truth resonating within these Sophomoric lyrics. At this age everyone considers you old enough to be an adult, fully ready to deal with all of your problems, but also you are still too young to be taken seriously in your family and work life. One thing I noticed this year is that no matter what, respected coworkers and select family seemed to disregard my emotions and experiences as a lesser occurrence. All of that was hard to swallow as this was arguably one of the most transformative years of my life.

2. No matter how bad things seem to be they could always be worse.

Things sure sucked at times, but I had to always remember that things could definitely get worse. It was my own Pessimistic brand of Optimism. Bring it, Dementors.
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3. No matter how much acceptance there may be in the world, there is still a very far way for us all to come.

I have always known how close-minded humanity can be (rural America, hello), but as I’ve come to embrace some pretty steep self-truths, I’ve realized how much a person can feel isolated by people they’ve known and loved for years. There is really no blame or hostility to direct here. I will simply put that even though you may have known someone your entire life, just know that even the people you know and love are constantly growing and changing as people, so always be at the ready to learn, grow, and accept the changing nature of human life.

4. Wash your car.

Especially if you live in an area of the world that salts icy roads. Trust me on this. I had to prematurely send my trusty steed Harvey Dent the Lumina to the glue factory because the bottom got so rusted out.

5. No matter how long you’ve known someone, you’ll never stop learning about who they really are.

I mentioned this again, but from the flip side of things, because it is so damn important. This was a lesson that reared its head many times over my 23rd year. It was both an unexpected blessing, growing closer with people I would have never imagined, and a terrible curse, feeling the sting of rejection from people I thought I could trust above all else.

6. There are FAR worse things in the world than a breakup.

If you would have told me this a year ago, I would have laughed hysterically before crying into my Ben&Jerrys. But in all honesty, this is so so true.

7. I finally understand why some people fear commitment.

Again, if you would have mentioned this to me a year ago, I would’ve laughed/cried and hugged you tightly screeching “No, don’t go! I cannot possibly feel validated unless there is another human who cannot bear to live without me!! THESE ARE ALL PERFECTLY RATIONAL RELATIONSHIP APPROACHES!”

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But after feeling the pain of all sorts of loss, I’ve come to realize that I cannot place all of my self-worth and happiness on another person. And even while building trust and opening emotional doors to another person is essential when done in a healthy manner, the prospect of placing even a small emotional stake in the unknown is a really frightening thing.

8. Living on your own brings out your inner conversationalist.

Since I have spent so much time on my own, I have really felt the urge for good conversation. Since there is no one to waggle my jaw at, I simply talk to myself. It may seem a little out there, but it really helps to pass the time and organize your thoughts, and practice your accents of course!

9. You realize how one-sided some friendships can be.

If anyone already relates to that, I’m sorry. I feel you. It sucks. For those of you who maybe don’t know what I’m getting at with this let me break it down for you in two ways:

-If you’ve ever had a ‘friend’ that seems to show curiosity vs empathy in the face of your hardships, congratulations, they’re not a friend.

-If you’ve ever decided not to be the one to initiate contact for once, and then never hear from that person again, congratulations, they weren’t your friend either.

Unfortunately for me, I have experienced this during some pretty rough patches of the year.

10. “The flower that blooms in adversity is the rarest and most beautiful of all.”

Oh yeah, I totally pulled out a Mulan quote that surprisingly didn’t involve business, Huns, or the dark side of the moon. Mushu would be so proud.

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But in all seriousness, this quote rings so true. While some of the troubling things I have faced this year may have been tough, they’ve also led me to reach out to some people I would have otherwise never have acknowledged. And while those friendships may have been born out of very dreary origins, they developed into some of the most endearing and supporting friendships I have ever known. I am thoroughly convinced that those bonds may have been my saving grace through some of the tribulations I have gone through.

This quote also rings true to the some of the relationships/friendships I already have, that really showed their true and beautiful colors in the face of the tremendous adversity I faced.

11. Never underestimate the younger generations.

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Too often I see so much hostility or ignorance of the younger generation for being ‘narcissistic’ and ‘lazy’, even by people who are not that much older. (I’ve even been guilty of it).

But as I’ve grown a bond with my nieces, I realize that they, like everyone else their age, hold so much promise for the future. I learned how to bounce back in the free-falling grief of a family death from an 11-year-old. The fact that someone so young is able to find the drive and determination to go on and achieve in life after losing a parent is truly a feat most adults cannot even reach.

I am also inspired by the incredible tolerance of a 13-year-old. Her willingness to understand and embrace walks of life that differ so much from what is ingrained as ‘normal’ truly inspires me. She doesn’t realize how much I draw upon her beautiful acceptance when I am trying to find the strength to battle my own personal doubts and self-dislike.

12. Laugh often.

C’mon everyone. You know me by know. This is tried and true to help solve every single problem I have faced. I recently had a conversation with a very close friend, who has also gone through some tough losses recently. They were about to tell a dark and morbid joke relating to their situation, but initially refrained, feeling guilty. I encouraged them to not feel guilty for that form of expression. To me it reflects taking exhausting and crippling emotions such as sadness and anger, and transferring them into more digestible feelings. You can only feel sad/angry for so long before your body and mind cannot take any more. You need to try to find some sort of reason to smile.

I’ve used this clip before, but I need it again to drive this point home.

Now you can’t feel too guilty because I doubt your sense of humor gets much darker than that.

13.  Don’t ever let anyone make you feel bad for how you feel.

Some people may think I am incapable of experiencing human emotion, and may be a closeted sociopath. While examples like the previous video may not make a strong case for my emotional capacity, it does not mean I do not experience sadness and pain like others. If you value any sort of relationship with anyone, never discredit their emotions just because they may not fall into your personal understanding.

11 things I hope to learn/achieve in year 24 

1. I want to keep my foot out of my mouth.

Over the years I’ve said some pretty stupid things born out of ignorance. Normally I have a ‘give-no-fucks, past is in the past’ mentality when I notice my faux paus, but now I’m reflecting on some of the things I’ve said and noticed that they are hurtful to who I am becoming today. That is regrettably something I know must change going forward.

2. Do what I love.

No, this doesn’t necessarily mean that I should quit my day-job and go to clown college (which is not something I’d love). But it does mean I should make time to do things I love. Just make sure it can coincide with the less-thrilling practicalities of everyday life. If it’s some sort of project, stick to it. If we all let our doubts about how ‘good’ it may be prevent us from actually doing something, then we are clearly missing the point of a hobby. Hobbies are wonderful beautiful brainchildren that we need to constantly hatch and develop to make the world a better, more joyous place!

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..well most hobbies..

3. Family is everything.

But family can include whoever makes you feel loved, valued, and appreciated as a family is made to do, not blood or law.

4. Have a plan for Zombies.

Go ahead, scoff. It sounds completely asinine. You’re right. But what harm could truly come out of developing some sort of backup plan in case humanity and the order of the world comes crumbling down at our feet and those we hold near and dear turn into horrendous blood-thirsty monsters in our hour of strongest need and desperation? I don’t see the harm out of it.

So you all can mock me, but I have plans made. Mainly inspired by a mentor of sorts.
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5. Don’t let work take over my life.

Many workplaces have the philosophy that when you clock in, you leave your personal troubles at the door. Well, that goes both ways in my opinion. I see too many people sit and worry themselves sick over problems at work that our out of their control once they are out of the office. I myself have worked myself into a tizzy the night before a stressful workday. It does not good to do that, if anything it only puts yourself more on edge and depletes from your true life enjoyment.

We all need to work on a more self-preserving approach.
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(let’s all take a moment to appreciate the fact that I am not on any sort of emergency response team)

6. I mustn’t fear love, even if I’m unsure of how it will come to pass.

Try as I might to pass off as cavalier about this subject, there is a barrage of uncertainty about this constantly inside of my head. When time normally brings more clarity on life matters such as these, for me it only seems to bring more uncertainty. I can only keep learning about myself and what makes me truly happy in life before I can find a person to compliment that journey.

7. Live healthier.

Yeah, I make plenty of jokes about laziness, eating crappy food, and general avoidance of exercise.
This may as well be my catch phrase:
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But I realize that my metabolism is slowing, and my expectations are changing. I have already taken steps to getting more active in life by eating more greens and homemade meals, drinking more tea, having a quasi-regular workout schedule, and SIGNING UP FOR MY FIRST 5K!!! (It’s a really easygoing one, but baby-steps people).

Even though I have taken some steps of self-improvement, I will always be who I truly am: a gal who’s Netflix Queue has a larger number than what she can bench, and someone who will lose her shit if red meat and dairy are eliminated from her diet.

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^my relationship with steak.

8. Live life for myself.

This may sound selfish, but it’s actually quite important. While it is always important to always be mindful of other peoples feelings and opinions, it is harmful to live your own life truly for the sake of other people.

9. Party less.

This is seemingly an unnecessary addition to the list because I don’t really party anymore. I lack… what you could call… the social skills.

But recently I heard the brilliantly composed masterpiece “Shots” on the radio, and immediately burped up the sick taste of UV-Blue flavored collegiate nostalgia.

Why do I lament the fact that I cannot drink and party like I used to? It really isn’t that much to look up to.

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Except being a wine drunk. Then you don’t have a problem, you’re just eccentric and classy.

10. Find the conviction within me to be open about who I am as a person, and strive for whatever happiness I desire.

You may be thinking, “Well, duh! We’ve had that drilled into our heads ever since childhood! How could you possibly forget that that is the true key to a good life?”

Well, I have some reasons.

First off, this simple statement shouldn’t apply to everyone.

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(In case you all forgot about that Monty Python video revealing how truly tasteless I can be.)

And furthermore, even though I had that inspirational goal implanted in my sweet-little-Barney-loving heart, I wasn’t truly embracing that credo. I wasted years thinking I was embracing my true self, but time and life pulled out their usual fuckery and reminded me that I was so, so wrong. To this day there are incredibly large parts of my personality and soul that I am only recently stumbling upon. My journey ahead will involve me opening those doors within myself and embracing aspects of me that I have locked away out of shallowness and doubt.

11. “Wear sunscreen.”

…just watch it. It says everything needed to be said.

 

Dates are good for self-esteem… and bowels.

Ladies and Gentlemen…..   MY TRIUMPHANT RETURN!!    *cue music*

Or… to keep up with the times…

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Bet you thought you thought you’d seen the last of me.

Yeah, I took an unexpected party (Baggins style, yo) and by party I mean fiesta, and by fiesta I mean siesta. I realize two months of slacking may seem excessive to you, but think about the bears! …tangent aside, I do realize I missed important things to write about (Christmas, the much needed farewell to 2013, and uhhhh… that, over there) and I still refuse to write about them. So farewell to Christmas (seriously people… take your decorations down already!) and fare-freaking-well to 2013. It’s been a delight. (By delight I mean tremendous disappointment, mental anguish, and soul-numbing mush-bucket.)

Anyways, on to the blog. The topic this week shall go big and bold as I start this new year. I am going to discuss relationships/men/dating etc. Will this be a hot mess of written bashing to all the men who have wronged me in my life? Well, it may very well be a hot mess, but I will keep the bashing to a minimal/anecdotal caliber. Quite frankly, there have been so many more life changes that deserve my attention and emotions so much more.

So my point is, I’m ok, I’m over all of it, I’m a completely sane person who is soooo much better without another person to validate my existence, blabbity blabbity blah.
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Who knows, maybe I may get a lyrical tattoo reaffirming me to stand my ground, live and let die, eat more cheese, you know.. the usual tropes. That’ll teach them.

Anyways after the breakup, I spent my days (read:months) wallowing in self pity and remorse.

An average weekend mapped out as follows.

– 18 hours of alternating between My Little Pony and Breaking Bad marathon sessions.
– 2 hours of obligatory familial interaction to avoid snap judgements of deteriorating mental state.
– 10 hours of in-depth social media stalking.
url– 12 minutes spent for meal production. (Includes microwaving tacquitos, easy-mac, and entire cans of corn (when feeling healthy.))
– 20 minutes of precariously balancing soda cans, Ben and Jerry’s containers, personal pizza boxes, fruit snack wrappers, and yogurt cups (when feeling healthy) into a small trash can in a feat of engineering prowess rarely seen outside of a Jenga game.
– Remaining time spent in a hazy mixture of watching Beaches, The Notebook, Pocahontas, and Forrest Gump with intense nap sessions that result in dreams so vivid it tends to blur reality.

Eventually I got out of those self-destructive patterns and got into new, seemingly more healthy ones, like searching for the special someone that would fill the emotional void in my life.

At first I would attempt to go out in real life to attempt to meet some dates. But being from rural America, this pretty much leaves a bar as your only option. While some guys seemed nice, quite a few were brashly open about their less-than honorable intentions.

It would usually play out like this:

Just.
Like.
This.

Don’t get me wrong. I love myself a man with a giant, meaty, throbbing… vocabulary just fine, but that doesn’t mean you go whipping it out at the first gal who bats an eyelash at you. (Actually, yes, double entendre aside, whip out the vocabulary immediately.)

I realized that the rural bar scene wasn’t my thing and moved on to bigger and …. (I realize ‘better’ should go there, but it just doesn’t feel right) things: Online Dating.

Now this brought on a whole bucket of awkward.
PUBLISHED by catsmob.comBut so was my single life.

First, upon creating my profile, I was met with an eclectic barrage of messages from members who had viewed my profile. At first, my full inbox excited me and made me feel better about myself.
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But upon further investigation, I realized that my inbox was just a cesspool of deviants ranging from:

1. The boring men who lacked in basic conversation skills.
-“hey”

2. The 40+ year olds who had a disturbingly ‘youthful’ side.
-“hey u r beautiful. i would love to show a pretty girl like u how much ive learned over the years. if u like older men i can make u feel realy good.”

3. The geeky men with lush neckbeards who actually read my profile.
They saw how ‘nerdy‘ I am, and wrote something heartfelt as follows:

..except in their mind the conversation would go along the lines of:
“You complete.. my Aggro deck.” (click for translation)
“You had me at ‘Thanos could totally pwn Galactus with the Infinity Gauntlet’.”

*please note that I am not a nerd-hater and I’m sure these men were very nice people, I just realized that there were many things about them that I probably couldn’t relate to.

4. The dude-bros that probably should be in a relationship with themselves.
-“Hey ur hot. Wanna meet up sometime? I like going to the gym a lot so I do look as good as my picture. I hope you do 2. I hate when girls don’t look as good as their pic.”

Once I recognized the true terror of the culture I had immersed myself in, I acted accordingly.
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To be honest, it didn’t play out that way (it was sure close.)

I met (read: anonymously clicked on profiles) a variety of men who seemed to share a lot of interests. But I realized that to move past the messaging stage into actually physically meeting these people (who may or may not be completely shady) created too much anxiety for me, and too much effort to overcome that anxiety and actually ‘make it happen’. So my online-dating days ended with a quiet fizzle. (Much like how my sabbatical from the blogosphere occured).
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So now I’m just in a place where my desire to go out and actively find a person to date consistently loses to my newly found self-esteem and faith in the fact that the ‘right person’ will come along.
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Feel free to check back in a few weeks to see if my old friend, desperation, comes roarin’ on back to kick that healthy mentality in the metaphorical balls.

Until next time people!

Notice

Hello everyone.

I am writing to let you know that I will be taking a temporary break from my blog. My sister has recently passed and I am not quite ready to provide humorous lists or rambles. I won’t be gone too long because laughter soothes the soul and I know my sister was one of my most avid followers of this project. I know like always she is ready and eager to read the next.
Jen, if you’re reading this I love you so much and will miss you every day.

It’s the end of the world(summer) as we know it!

Hello to you all! Well If you’re reading this it means you’ve survived the weekend. It also means that it marks the end of summer as we know it. I’m sure you already discovered this factoid after seeing the barrage of “First Day Of School” photos on various social media sites.

It also means that it is now tacky to wear white, but who the hell still follows that social rule anymore?

Anyways my point is that:
“Fall is here. Hear the yell.”

As with every passing spring, I get big ambitions for what to do with my precious few moments of non winter. (Seriously… this was 2/3rds of the year in Minnesota)
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And with every passing fall I would realize yet again that my ambitions on how much adventure I will jam-pack in my summer were far too… ambitious. I’m not saying that my summer was a complete FAIL, it just maybe wasn’t some wonderfully life-changing journey I can fondly wax poetic on.

I will now regale you all with my part FAIL part EPIC WIN! of a summer by listing my May-Issued Summer Bucket List (such an overused term) Croaking Checklist!

    • First things first.
      Goal: Get a rockin’ beach body.
      Status:
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      I don’t even know why I put this one on my list. It goes against my strict dieting principle:
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      Seriously though. People need to just simmer down on this. I consider myself average to slim and I frequently see girls skinnier than me posting pictures of their Kale n’ Tofu salad made with dehydrated lentils. I hate to deflate their excruciatingly wild (and very confusing) enthusiasm about such a pitiful excuse of a meal, but that’s what it is!
      While they were all busy doing that, my diet fell more into this spectrum.
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      Verdict: Fail. Although even though my eating habits reflected a post-Honey-Boo-Boo age, I still remained fairly active but I shall cover that later.
    • Goal: Catch up on some of my bills/organize my things while I was at home
      Status: I actually did pretty decently at this one. Yeah, yeah… before you get after me for living at home, I had run into some unexpected circumstances in life, but I got caught up on that so…
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      But while I was home, I got caught up on my bills and was able to spend some money to have fun. I also was able to organize and downsize some of my things because as I’ve stated on a previous blog, Moving Sucks.
      Verdict: Mostly win! Because as hard as I worked there are still some boxes I never got to, and still some items I cannot find the heart to get rid of, no matter how useless they’ve become.
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    • Goal: Enjoy the outdoors.
      Status: I had true delusions of grandeur on this one. When that first full day of 40 degree weather came about in, I stood out in my t-shirt basking in the delicious April sun. (This really was no embellishment, I can say as a Minnesotan that this is what we usually do). After such a grand day as that first defeat of winter, I made plans to get as much time outdoors as possible.
      Now this had a slightly doomed fate from the get-go because I will use the following illustration to summarize my normal outdoor endeavors:
      Image
      But after how unbearably long and arduous this last winter was, (Minnesotans you know what I mean!) I really was serious on getting going on my other frequent summer activities such as biking, hiking, walking, swimming, and tubing (silly judgmental people, I do not only drink!) But as the summer kicked off I got really busy with my move (which was ok because all the hauling and lifting kept me active and more toned than my usual Betty Spaghetti arm model). I also got to participate in lots of summer bonfires (25% with friends/family 75% me burning old garbage).
      Once I had some free time and had a new area to explore, the heat skyrocketed to a sweltering 105 degrees. To all of you out-of-staters, that may not seem like much of a big deal but we Minnesotans are the crazies who as children were sent out to play in the -30 degree windchill and then break out the shorts at the first sign of 40.
      Whenever I went outside in that mess, It would usually go as shown:
      Image
      But eventually the temperature got to a decent temperature, and I was able to get in all sorts of fun activities like lake time, 4-wheeling, hiking, biking, and yes, even a few patio drinks 🙂
      Verdict: Underdog Win!
    • Goal: Make this summer count.
      Status: Well, again I had good aspirations with this one, but then I got a Netflix subscription and donated most of my time to… Well you know…
      Image
      Verdict: I actually did go on some adventures. I saw my family, I went to some concerts, and I went to some festivals.
      Did I have some life-changing epiphany like in all the feel-good movies from our childhood, I don’t think so?

      Did I make new friends at camp?
      Image

No.
But all in all I give this summer a big fat mediocre win!

Until next time folks!

I hate to move-it move-it!

Hello everyone!

Sorry for the delay from my weekly post. As many of you (who actually care) may know I was busy moving. Along the way I did some awesome cardio, got rid of a bunch of useless crap, and learned a priceless lesson. Moving sucks. (Can I get an Amen?!?) For this week I will compile a list of 25 things slightly less craptastic than moving. Don’t worry, I will try not to just stick to lists, unless you like them…?

But first… Narcissistic music show-offy extravaganza time!

  1. Berceuse in D flat major – Chopin
  2. The Stroke – Billy Squier
  3. I’ll Be There – Jackson 5
  4. I’m From The Country – Tracy Byrd
  5. Russian Roulette – Rihanna
  6. Tomorrow Never Knows – The Beatles
  7. Suspicious Minds – Elvis
  8. Only One – Yellowcard
  9. Boys Boys Boys – Lady Gaga
  10. Cold – Crossfade

Without further ado, here are some things I would rather do than move.

  1. Draw a portrait with a pencil that has broken lead
    Image
    Well fuck.
  2. Chew the same piece of Zebra gum for the whole day. (The first 5 minutes would be divine! But we all know the bland horror that follows…)
  3. Going through the existential struggle of needing to change the channel, but knowing it is too cold to take your hands out of the blanket.
    Image
    (If only there was some magical item that would cure this cruel act of nature while also ensuring your virginity is ironclad.)
  4. Meeting a carwash sales quota in Seattle.
  5. Complete a game of jenga with a chimp.
  6. Trying to eat cheetos while drawing, reading, or typing.
    Image
  7. Putting up a room full of posters, taking a step back to admire your hard work, and realizing every single one is crooked.
  8. Playing Angry Birds with only the Boomerang Bird.
    Image
    Seriously, who likes this one?
  9. Having your uterus silently howl for ice cream, finding a pint of Ben and Jerry’s in your freezer, and realizing all of your spoons are in the dishwasher.
  10. Finishing the last bit of your cereal, taking that first delicious bite, and learning that you forgot to check the expiration date on your milk.
    Image
  11. Putting antique ornaments on a Christmas tree in a house with four cats.
    Image
  12. Getting excited that your grandma has Oreos, taking a bite, and noticing that she purchased the reduced sugar kind.
  13. Listen to an all day repeat of the Head On Commercial
  14. Build a house with the Kool-Aid Man.
  15. Purchasing a delicious Blue Raspberry slushy and realizing that it tastes like a Cotton Candy slushy.
    Image
  16. Revising an essay on a different computer while trying to get used to the fact that the ‘Backspace’ button is about half the size of yours.
  17. Going through a dark cave full of Zubat without a Pokemon that knows Flash.
  18. Become Steve Buscemi’s dentist.
    Image
  19. Work at a Call Center in the cubicle next to Gilbert Gottfried and Fran Drescher.
  20. Watching a twerking contest at Walmart. Click here if you’re brave or do not cherish your eyes.
    Image 
  21. Be a passenger on a boat ride with SpongeBob.
  22. Playing Tetris, then this happens:
    url-6
  23. Listening to a mellow jazz song on your headphones, followed by the random scream-of-the-devil song on your iPod.
  24. Building a house of cards with Michael J. Fox
    cryBaby
    yeah… poor taste on my part…
  25. Find a dead spider infected with a fungus that can control its mind and body movement.
    url-7

Well… moving isn’t that bad actually.