It sure has been a while since I’ve posted here. I remember starting this over a year ago, when I used to post once a week.
Then a lot of things happened.
It has been almost a year since the passing of my sister and there are plenty of moments the pain still feels raw and jarring.
As much as I try not to let that moment define me, I cannot escape the undeniable fact that it has. I unintentionally have drawn a firm line in my experiences, memories, and core being, separating the ‘before’ and ‘after’ that moment.
If you’re thinking to yourself “That doesn’t seem like a healthy way to reflect upon your life,” you are absolutely right. But, alas, here I am, doing just that. Unhealthy as it is, I can’t deny I’ve learned.
Boy have I learned. About family. About true friendships. About losing people. Both in a literal sense [<3 Jennie, Grandpa] and in the more abstract pain and confusion of a parting of ways. I've also learned about how fellowship and camaraderie can bloom out of some pretty dark corners. I've kept old true friends and developed new cherished bonds. I've done all these things by first learning about myself.
While I deeply regret that so much beauty, love, and understanding was only able to come into fruition after such a time of tragedy, I must accept it for the gift that it is.
Now throughout this past year, I have also been lucky to maintain my 'sense of humor' and downright offbeat life outlook that has fueled my inspiration for writing this window into my world.
But, as your keen powers of observation may have deduced, my posting is a piddly shadow of my initial one/week efforts. There are some reasons for this such as: I've had plenty more stressors going on in my life, I'm just too freaking lazy, I stopped caring, etc.
I actually have a folder FULL of drafts all ranging from fragmented sentence ideas, to completed pieces. For a seemingly unknown reason I have become less and less able to complete these ideas.
After some reflection, I have figured out the reason.
This was originally intended to be an unapologetic open expression of myself. And in the beginning, it was. But as I've taken many deep looks in the proverbial mirror, I have developed a deeper and truer understanding of myself. Unfortunately, I have not opened up to everyone yet, and have lost the desire to have to exercise caution and place filters on media I originally intended to be an open and honest chronicle of myself.
So I am taking a hiatus. How long will it be? I am not sure.
I do know this: I don't plan on returning until I am able to get back to the openness I originally intended this place to be. That will first require me to be more communicative with a few more close people in my life. This is a tremendous goal I plan on attaining.
Be prepared, because when I come back, things will be so different, but still very much the same.
Everyone can speculate, guess, or assume whatever they want out of this rambly mess, but it doesn't really matter.
Thank you to everyone I've already opened up to. You're all the best.