Television Death Match Spectacular

Hello my Dino-Nuggets!

I don’t know about you, but the last couple of weeks have been DAUNTING. Work really did a number on me. I got a letter back from the state saying I was mistaken on my tax return, and now OWE money. Game of Thrones won’t be on this weekend!! Really terrible stuff.

In order to fill up my time normally spent anticipating/watching/reviewing/obsessing over the show, I now have some time to write…

about Game Of Thrones.



[not sorry]

I will prove to you all how great this show is by having a


I will match up some Game of Thrones cast members with some other beloved tv characters in a brutal test of awesomeness! There will only be one victor per round.

Without further adoo…




Broody bastard that could melt The Wall with his smolder…. Jon Snow.



Broody law enforcement man who could stop a horde dead in their tracks with his… personality?….Rick Grimes
[The Walking Dead]

Hmm.. both are reluctant leaders constantly faced with the looming threat of an Undead army. Both lack a massive emotional range/interesting storyline (at least compared to their costars), yet still attract massive support of the fandoms.

I’d have to give the win to Rick. They won’t kill off Rick. The whole story rides on him.

~ Round 2 ~
The ruthless Momma Lion Cersei Lannister.


The positively Psycho Norma Bates. [Bates Motel]

Norma Bates.
Sorry Cersei. Even when dead, Norma still holds tremendous psychological holds over her offspring. When’s the last time you were able to contain your bratty kids?

~ Round 3 ~
Our smokin’ hot Red Priestess Melisandre.


The Supremely bewitching Cordelia Foxx. [American Horror Story]


I mean c’mon. She’s the Supreme. Even if she could be killed by Melly, (although not by fire due to her Pyrokinesis) she can be brought back to life by her one true love (FOXXAY 4 lyfe!) who just happens to have the power of resurgence.

~ Round 4 ~


The lethal Bisexual hailing from the sands of Dorne, Oberyn Martell!

The Nordic sex-beast himself, vampire Eric Northman. [True Blood]


The Red Viper may be very suave and skilled and combat, but he just cannot compete with a 1,000 year old vampire. Unless of course the battle were to be held in Dorne. That particular house of Westeros seems to readily idolize one of Eric’s greatest weaknesses.


Spears, ALL vampires fear spears.

I predict the battle will begin at night, and Oberyn will fend Eric off before getting mortally wounded. Eric will have lost track of time trying to kill off Oberyn and burn upon the rising of the sun. Leading to both contestants to win AND lose.


Oh yeah book readers, I just did that.

~ Round 5 ~

Lannister Golden Boy (see what I did there?) Jaime Lannister.



Resident hottie Schmidt. [New Girl]

Jaime Lannister.

Both of these competitors would be neck and neck in a popularity contest, although no one would know why. Both infamously arrogant jerks seem to have a radiating magnetism to them. But this is not a competition for Country Club President, it is a FIGHT TO THE DEATH. And knowing how to fight with a sword (even with a gimpy gold hand) clearly proves an advantage.

~ Round 6 ~


Conniving Geriatric Olenna Tyrell.

Sassy Artistocrat Dowager Countess. [Downton Abbey]

Queen of Thorns.
While both are fabulously sharp-tongued and could have an unparalleled verbal fencing match, there is a clear disadvantage here.
You see, the British High-Society folk just cannot turn down a cup of tea. And Queen Olenna seems to love adding extra… surprises… in beverages.

Just ask this poor schmuck.

Just ask this poor schmuck.

~ Round 7 ~

The Wildling Kissed By Fire, Ygritte.

The fiery beauty, Gloria Pritchett. [Modern Family]

While both opinionated accent-speaking beauties would have a good go at it, Ygritte would have no problem in hand-to-hand combat and would mercilessly kill anyone who got in her way. (Besides maybe, ‘John Sneauuuu’).

~ Round 8 ~ TAG TEAM ROUND ~
The Prince of Transcendence Brand Stark and the eloquent Hodor.

The Adventuresome dream team of Finn and Jake. [Adventure Time]

Bran + Hodor.
While there is no denying Finn and Jake’s bravery and impressive battle history against all sorts of scary foes, they just don’t stand a chance against Bran and Hodor. For one, this is Hodor we’re talking about. It has not been confirmed, but he is clearly the frontrunner to win the Iron Throne. And then you have Bran, who is essentially training to be one of the Old Gods. Even if Finn and Jake seem to gain an advantage in the battle, Bran will simply Warg into Jake’s mind, turning him against Finn.

~Round 9~

The no-nonsense Brienne.

The no-time-for-your-bullshit Lana Kane. [Archer]


These two Amazonian powerhouses would have a very close-hard fought battle, after first sitting down to enjoy the company of someone who deals with as much crap from peers as the other does. But once Lana decided the fight was dragging on too long, she’d pick out one of her many guns and finish the job, like she always does.

~ Round 10 ~
The devious Master of Coin (and deception), Petyr Baelish.


Capitol Hill power-player Frank Underwood. [House of Cards]


Oh boy. This is a very tough one. Both are exceptionally good at using any means necessary (including unsuspecting people) to get what they want and cunningly climb the ladder to rule.
I suppose I’d have to give the slight edge on this to Littlefinger, for I feel he would be slightly more quick to simply murder his foe if he knew he would be a tough competitor.

~ Round 11 ~
The protagonist you have trouble rooting for (but still sort of pity)… Theon Greyjoy.


The protagonist you REALLY have trouble rooting for… Hannah Horvath. [HBO’s GIRLS]

Theon, by a landslide.
Even if Hannah actually did any sort of damage to Theon, he has clearly shown he can take all sorts of physical abuse and pain and still function. Hannah would self-destruct as soon as she knows she wouldn’t be able to tur her battle experiences in a self-indulgent screenplay.

~ Round 12 ~


[Orange Is The New Black]

Pennsatucky. Even though Joffrey is a terrible excuse for a human being, he is quite cowardly. A match between these two questionably-inbred jerks would be close, all Pennsatucky would need is some misinterpreted sign from God that Joffrey needed to die, and she would stop at nothing to see it done.

~ Round 13 ~


Young Badass Arya Stark.

Wise-beyond-her-years Sally Draper. [Mad Men]

Arya Stark.
Clearly the young lady training to be a FREAKING ASSASSIN would have the combative advantage here. But as far as judging the quality each character brings to their respective show, it’d be a pretty even matchup.

~Round 14 ~
The most snuggly bodyguard evar… Sandor ‘The Hound’ Clegane.

The friendliest Teddy Bear of a government worker you’ll know… Ron ‘Duke Silver’ Swanson.
[Parks and Recreation]

The Hound, duh.
Even though I love Ron Swanson for his grumpiness, epic one-liners, and general disdain for everyone else but himself, I love The Hound for all the same reasons. So then we must take into consideration that The Hound is a highly skilled and ruthless killer.

~Round 15~
The daddy-of-the-year Tywin Lannister.

Teacher-of-the-year Walter ‘Heisenberg’ White. [Breaking Bad]

Walter White.
Even though Tywin is a master strategist, I really don’t think he’d fare well against Mr. ‘I-Am-The-Danger’. Walter seems to luck out of so many deadly situations and come out on top. Besides, he has plenty of useful Chemistry tricks up his sleeve.

~Round 16~

He puts the ‘IMP’ in ‘PIMP’… Tyrion Lannister.

Everyone’s favorite High-Functioning Sociopath, Sherlock Holmes.

With an underdog win, Tyrion Lannister.
Even though this would be a battle of wits to go down in history, I feel that Tyrion would somehow come out ahead. I am not sure how, but I feel it would happen. Also, image the outrage if Tyrion were to ever die. If Sherlock were to die, we’d just have to face the wrath of the Cumber-bitches. If Tyrion gets killed off EVERYONE WILL RIOT.

*HINT*HINT*, George R.R. Martin.


The beautiful Daenerys ‘name-is-not-Khaleesi’ Targaryen.


The… lots of adjectives… Clone Club. [Orphan Black]


I know. You’re probably wondering how I could go against my raging Targaryen Fealty and NOT declare Dany as the unquestionable victor. But the truth is, I really don’t see either matchup being completely wiped out. Sure Dany has an entire Army and friggin’ DRAGONS, but I feel that more and more clones would keep popping up no matter how many she kills. And If she were without her army, guards, or dragons, I feel that Dany wouldn’t stand a chance against some of these ladies, especially Helena.

Also I feel like this guy would throw a stupid love-triangle wrench into the whole deal.



whatshisface... Orphan Daario

whatshisface… Orphan Daario

So I’ll just make a ruling on this and declare them all the winners! The Clones could join Dany and be excellent Royal Advisors.

So after many hard fought battles, one side triumphed just a few times more (but it was close). And the winner is…


Did you really think this would turn out a different way?

I’m sure plenty of you may disagree with my ruling on this, and may go to lengths to let me know. And I only have this to say about it.

Haters to the Left.

Haters to the Left.


:3 Mi Gato es Muy Guapo :3

I am back!

After having one of the most trying months of my life, I am ready to write again.

In case most of you didn’t know, I lost one of my sisters last month. She was very dear to me. And while this will be my first attempt at writing humorous pieces again (go easy on me), it is not as a sign of disrespect, but simply an attempt to get some joy back into my life. It is also important that I keep up this blog because she was an avid supporter of this little project.

I have also gone through plenty of smaller problems this year, which range from breakups, job losses, my car breaking down, and other various points of inspiration for hokey country songs. But I have overcome most of these (no there was no Grand Ol Opry appearance) and have actually landed a full time, real job!  Look out world, workplace Emily is here!
(and that is my mantra)

First things first, let me get back into my random song sampling.

1. The Fox – Ylvis

I don’t actually have this song in my library, but felt the need to talk about it. What the hell people? Why is this viral? What is going on in Norway? Don’t do drugs, kids.

2. Sweet Emotion – Aerosmith (party at the moon tower)
3.For What It’s Worth – Buffalo Springfield
An accurate summary of this Federal Shutdown madness written about 50 years ago.
4. Katy Perry – Roar
Official song of the 2013 WNBA Champions, the Lynx!!
5. Howlin’ For You – Black Keys
6. Life In A Northern Town – Sugarland
7. After The Storm – Mumford & Sons
8. Fried Hockey Boogie – Canned Heat
9. Teenage Dirtbag – Scala & Kolacny Brothers (great cover)
10. Over You – Miranda Lambert (I love you Jennie, RIP)

After all that’s happened during my little hiatus, how do I summarize it in a cohesive manner? Well, cats of course.

They rule the internet.
They also ruled Egypt.

I would say that between getting the chance to hold and cuddle all my feline friends while I went back home during our difficult family times, it made that tragic whirlwind of my life a little more bearable. My experiences with cats usually involve me doing one of two things.
Or making them do an interpretive presentation of the following video.

But now that I am back home I am reduced to simply looking at cat emojis and hugging a pillow.

Anyways, onto the general relevance of cats and the things and the stuff.

Soon comes Halloween (my favorite holiday), and due to my recent slip into the addicting glory that is Arkham City, I am going as Catwoman. No not Halle Berry Catwoman, I’m putting my own spin on it. Pics may or may not follow.

I can also tie in cats to my love of TV binge-watching with one name. Poussey. (Yes, not the most appropriate tie in relevance to cats, but I never said this was a kid-friendly blog.)
Besides, you are the one who is pronouncing the name in an inappropriate way. As the namesake from the amazing show Orange Is The New Black will tell you…
But since the Netflix-only show is set in a woman’s prison, it does contain many thematic elements of the less appropriate version of that name. If you are like me and really don’t mind things to push the envelope, go watch it!
Otherwise, this was just a cop-out to discuss all of the TV related things that have been going on lately. Such as the end of Breaking Bad.
To the beginning of all sorts of wonderful fall shows, especially The Walking Dead.

Cats have adorable sandpapery tongues which were developed over the eons to lick the meat off the bones of their prey.
And while we are discussing tongues, I might as well bring up the atrocity that is Miley Cyrus. Her nasty rogue tongue and general fuckery (a term I’ve gained from the amazing Kingsley) remind me of an inbred cat in heat. (If that cat was constantly high on Molly) So I will issue this lovely little PSA:
Please spay and neuter your pets and pop stars.

Yes that last little tie-in was a bit of a stretch, but the world needs to know that people like that should not reproduce.
Speaking of stretch…

There didn’t a nice little break after discussing such a wretched young woman feel good?

Anyways, the mascot for Minnesota’s Champion WNBA team is a Lynx, which is a predatory large cat. I mentioned the Lynx because as a Minnesotan I have to give props to our most successful sports franchise of recent times. I also won free tickets to a championship game, which is always a good thing. 🙂

This is also a devotion to my sister, who was just as big of a cat lover as I am, and a family pet who has also passed away, Jasmine the cat.
Who found herself a nice big box in the sky.

In conclusion, I just really love cats.

… By the way did I tell you all I’m single?