Television Death Match Spectacular

Hello my Dino-Nuggets!

I don’t know about you, but the last couple of weeks have been DAUNTING. Work really did a number on me. I got a letter back from the state saying I was mistaken on my tax return, and now OWE money. Game of Thrones won’t be on this weekend!! Really terrible stuff.
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In order to fill up my time normally spent anticipating/watching/reviewing/obsessing over the show, I now have some time to write…

about Game Of Thrones.

 

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[not sorry]

I will prove to you all how great this show is by having a

TELEVISION DEATH MATCH SPECTACULAR-MANIA 26!!!

I will match up some Game of Thrones cast members with some other beloved tv characters in a brutal test of awesomeness! There will only be one victor per round.
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Without further adoo…

~ROUND ONE~

 

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Broody bastard that could melt The Wall with his smolder…. Jon Snow.

VS

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Broody law enforcement man who could stop a horde dead in their tracks with his… personality?….Rick Grimes
[The Walking Dead]

Winner:
Hmm.. both are reluctant leaders constantly faced with the looming threat of an Undead army. Both lack a massive emotional range/interesting storyline (at least compared to their costars), yet still attract massive support of the fandoms.

I’d have to give the win to Rick. They won’t kill off Rick. The whole story rides on him.

~ Round 2 ~
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The ruthless Momma Lion Cersei Lannister.

VS

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The positively Psycho Norma Bates. [Bates Motel]

Winner:
Norma Bates.
Sorry Cersei. Even when dead, Norma still holds tremendous psychological holds over her offspring. When’s the last time you were able to contain your bratty kids?

~ Round 3 ~
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Our smokin’ hot Red Priestess Melisandre.

VS

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The Supremely bewitching Cordelia Foxx. [American Horror Story]

Winner:
Cordelia.

I mean c’mon. She’s the Supreme. Even if she could be killed by Melly, (although not by fire due to her Pyrokinesis) she can be brought back to life by her one true love (FOXXAY 4 lyfe!) who just happens to have the power of resurgence.
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~ Round 4 ~

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The lethal Bisexual hailing from the sands of Dorne, Oberyn Martell!

VS
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The Nordic sex-beast himself, vampire Eric Northman. [True Blood]

Winner:
Tie

The Red Viper may be very suave and skilled and combat, but he just cannot compete with a 1,000 year old vampire. Unless of course the battle were to be held in Dorne. That particular house of Westeros seems to readily idolize one of Eric’s greatest weaknesses.

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Spears, ALL vampires fear spears.

I predict the battle will begin at night, and Oberyn will fend Eric off before getting mortally wounded. Eric will have lost track of time trying to kill off Oberyn and burn upon the rising of the sun. Leading to both contestants to win AND lose.

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Oh yeah book readers, I just did that.

~ Round 5 ~
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Lannister Golden Boy (see what I did there?) Jaime Lannister.

VS

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Resident hottie Schmidt. [New Girl]

Winner:
Jaime Lannister.

Both of these competitors would be neck and neck in a popularity contest, although no one would know why. Both infamously arrogant jerks seem to have a radiating magnetism to them. But this is not a competition for Country Club President, it is a FIGHT TO THE DEATH. And knowing how to fight with a sword (even with a gimpy gold hand) clearly proves an advantage.

~ Round 6 ~

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Conniving Geriatric Olenna Tyrell.

VS
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Sassy Artistocrat Dowager Countess. [Downton Abbey]

Winner:
Queen of Thorns.
While both are fabulously sharp-tongued and could have an unparalleled verbal fencing match, there is a clear disadvantage here.
You see, the British High-Society folk just cannot turn down a cup of tea. And Queen Olenna seems to love adding extra… surprises… in beverages.

Just ask this poor schmuck.

Just ask this poor schmuck.

~ Round 7 ~

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The Wildling Kissed By Fire, Ygritte.

VS
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The fiery beauty, Gloria Pritchett. [Modern Family]

Winner:
Ygritte.
While both opinionated accent-speaking beauties would have a good go at it, Ygritte would have no problem in hand-to-hand combat and would mercilessly kill anyone who got in her way. (Besides maybe, ‘John Sneauuuu’).

~ Round 8 ~ TAG TEAM ROUND ~
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The Prince of Transcendence Brand Stark and the eloquent Hodor.

VS
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The Adventuresome dream team of Finn and Jake. [Adventure Time]

Winners:
Bran + Hodor.
While there is no denying Finn and Jake’s bravery and impressive battle history against all sorts of scary foes, they just don’t stand a chance against Bran and Hodor. For one, this is Hodor we’re talking about. It has not been confirmed, but he is clearly the frontrunner to win the Iron Throne. And then you have Bran, who is essentially training to be one of the Old Gods. Even if Finn and Jake seem to gain an advantage in the battle, Bran will simply Warg into Jake’s mind, turning him against Finn.

~Round 9~

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The no-nonsense Brienne.

VS
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The no-time-for-your-bullshit Lana Kane. [Archer]

Winner:

These two Amazonian powerhouses would have a very close-hard fought battle, after first sitting down to enjoy the company of someone who deals with as much crap from peers as the other does. But once Lana decided the fight was dragging on too long, she’d pick out one of her many guns and finish the job, like she always does.

~ Round 10 ~
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The devious Master of Coin (and deception), Petyr Baelish.

VS
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Capitol Hill power-player Frank Underwood. [House of Cards]

Winner:

Oh boy. This is a very tough one. Both are exceptionally good at using any means necessary (including unsuspecting people) to get what they want and cunningly climb the ladder to rule.
I suppose I’d have to give the slight edge on this to Littlefinger, for I feel he would be slightly more quick to simply murder his foe if he knew he would be a tough competitor.

~ Round 11 ~
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The protagonist you have trouble rooting for (but still sort of pity)… Theon Greyjoy.

VS

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The protagonist you REALLY have trouble rooting for… Hannah Horvath. [HBO’s GIRLS]

Winner:
Theon, by a landslide.
Even if Hannah actually did any sort of damage to Theon, he has clearly shown he can take all sorts of physical abuse and pain and still function. Hannah would self-destruct as soon as she knows she wouldn’t be able to tur her battle experiences in a self-indulgent screenplay.

~ Round 12 ~

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THE MOST IRRITATING BASTARD IN THE REALM… JOFFREY BARATHEON.

VS
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THE MOST AGGRAVATING CRIMINAL EVER TO INHABIT LITCH… TIFFANY ‘PENNSATUCKY’ DOGGETT.
[Orange Is The New Black]

Winner:
Pennsatucky. Even though Joffrey is a terrible excuse for a human being, he is quite cowardly. A match between these two questionably-inbred jerks would be close, all Pennsatucky would need is some misinterpreted sign from God that Joffrey needed to die, and she would stop at nothing to see it done.
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~ Round 13 ~

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Young Badass Arya Stark.

VS
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Wise-beyond-her-years Sally Draper. [Mad Men]

Winner:
Arya Stark.
Clearly the young lady training to be a FREAKING ASSASSIN would have the combative advantage here. But as far as judging the quality each character brings to their respective show, it’d be a pretty even matchup.

~Round 14 ~
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The most snuggly bodyguard evar… Sandor ‘The Hound’ Clegane.

VS
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The friendliest Teddy Bear of a government worker you’ll know… Ron ‘Duke Silver’ Swanson.
[Parks and Recreation]

Winner:
The Hound, duh.
Even though I love Ron Swanson for his grumpiness, epic one-liners, and general disdain for everyone else but himself, I love The Hound for all the same reasons. So then we must take into consideration that The Hound is a highly skilled and ruthless killer.

~Round 15~
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The daddy-of-the-year Tywin Lannister.

VS
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Teacher-of-the-year Walter ‘Heisenberg’ White. [Breaking Bad]

Winner:
Walter White.
Even though Tywin is a master strategist, I really don’t think he’d fare well against Mr. ‘I-Am-The-Danger’. Walter seems to luck out of so many deadly situations and come out on top. Besides, he has plenty of useful Chemistry tricks up his sleeve.
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~Round 16~
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He puts the ‘IMP’ in ‘PIMP’… Tyrion Lannister.

VS
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Everyone’s favorite High-Functioning Sociopath, Sherlock Holmes.

Winner:
With an underdog win, Tyrion Lannister.
Even though this would be a battle of wits to go down in history, I feel that Tyrion would somehow come out ahead. I am not sure how, but I feel it would happen. Also, image the outrage if Tyrion were to ever die. If Sherlock were to die, we’d just have to face the wrath of the Cumber-bitches. If Tyrion gets killed off EVERYONE WILL RIOT.

*HINT*HINT*, George R.R. Martin.

~FINAL ROUND~

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The beautiful Daenerys ‘name-is-not-Khaleesi’ Targaryen.

VS

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The… lots of adjectives… Clone Club. [Orphan Black]

Winner:
Tie.

I know. You’re probably wondering how I could go against my raging Targaryen Fealty and NOT declare Dany as the unquestionable victor. But the truth is, I really don’t see either matchup being completely wiped out. Sure Dany has an entire Army and friggin’ DRAGONS, but I feel that more and more clones would keep popping up no matter how many she kills. And If she were without her army, guards, or dragons, I feel that Dany wouldn’t stand a chance against some of these ladies, especially Helena.

Also I feel like this guy would throw a stupid love-triangle wrench into the whole deal.

Daario

Daario

whatshisface... Orphan Daario

whatshisface… Orphan Daario

So I’ll just make a ruling on this and declare them all the winners! The Clones could join Dany and be excellent Royal Advisors.
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So after many hard fought battles, one side triumphed just a few times more (but it was close). And the winner is…

GAME OF THRONES.

Did you really think this would turn out a different way?

I’m sure plenty of you may disagree with my ruling on this, and may go to lengths to let me know. And I only have this to say about it.

Haters to the Left.

Haters to the Left.

You Mad, Bro?

Hello, my wonderful fruit snacks!

Bet you weren’t expecting a post so soon, were you?

If you should know one thing, its that I do not go by any sort of standards on this thing. These posts are totally rando and you can never expect when they may just pop up.
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I am writing today to address an issue that has plagued me for a long time.

My tendency to rage.

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(not that kind of rage)

More along the lines of this.
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I have since evolved from my school age tendencies to bite others and smack a classmate’s applesauce on the floor and learned to control my emotions.

But guys, there are some days that almost drive me back into those dark times. If it was not an immediately fireable offense, I know for a fact I would throw my supervisor’s applesauce on the floor and scream “That’s for pushing me down the wet slide and telling Billy I peed my pants!!!

I seriously had the type of day today that would have landed that story into the embarrassing reality of a police report.
What about my life could be that bad to send me in such fits of rage?

Well, nothing life-alteringly terrible. All in all, I have a life better than most. And most of these things that settle inside me are a whole lotta FWP’s… but they still are the epitome of TEH SUCK.

Let me express myself about some of these triggers I face in my life (before bad things happen). In THINGS THAT MAKE ME RAGE

First and foremost, I just want to express a common source of rage: video games. Although, I have not played some of these in a while, you can hopefully understand what the general tone will be for the remainder of the post.

-Cause of Rage:
Kingdom Hearts Bonus Villains

 

 

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Big Ben? More like Big PAIN-IN-THE-EVERLOVING-ASS

 

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Even though you aren’t required to defeat neither Sephiroth or the Big Ben Phantom in order to complete the story, that just makes the frustration all too real. It’s as if they know I can’t beat them, so they sit in their hidey-holes, knowing I cannot revel in my game victory until I smite them upon the grounds of Hollow Bastion.

•Level of Rage:
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-Cause of Rage:
Stagecoach racing in Red Dead Redemption.

I love this game, I really do. It captures the Old West in a really cool way. Also, the action controls are very authentic.

That’s the problem. Steering a stagecoach and trying to turn a team of horses around is hard as shit. While you’re stuck trying to deal with this realistic problem, you usually get murdered by a band of smelly outlaws, or mauled my a passerby cougar. The Old West is hard.

•Level of Rage:
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-Cause of Rage:
A certain beloved show (c’mon you guys should know this by now) changing up a bunch of stuff from a certain even more beloved book series. (In case you’re confused… Game of Thrones, #getOnMyLevel).

• Level of Rage

NIGHT'S KING?!?! That was meant for book 6 or later! Now it's ALL ruined!!

NIGHT’S KING?!?!
That was meant for book 6 or later!
Now it’s ALL ruined!!

 

The rage of a show/movie completely effing up its book counterpart is a rage I have endured many a time, yet each stray step away from the books is just as painful as ever.
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– Cause of Rage:
Shows getting rid of enjoyable characters.

Mad Men, which is but a mere shadow of its former self, has not shown one of my favorite side characters in a while.
Miss Trudy Campbell, the person who put all of her hopes and dreams into the hands of this skeeze:
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Only to have him inevitably ruin her beautiful life!
Once the imminent demise of their doomed marriage came to pass, I was certain they’d have all sorts of plot concepts for the newly freed Trudy, and what did they deliver? Zilch.

• Level of Rage:
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FYI, Pete-MOFO-Campbell, if you happen to be reading this, hope you thought it was worth it to cheat on this:

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So THAT’S what she’s been up to.
You do you, girl!

 

Another show to commit this terrible crime is Glee.

A show which has massively decreased in a quality that wasn’t all that high in the first place, is rumored to have canned its arguably best character (sorry Rachel). Santana Lopez was/is the only reason I have stuck with this sinking ship, and now it is my time to escape.

•Level of Rage:

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-Cause of Rage:
Shows turning into horrible awful train wrecks you cannot peel your eyes away from, and remain watching them out of a sick, masochistic, duty to pop-culture.

…there are too many shows that fit this category.

• Level of Rage:
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-Cause of Rage:
Nefarious pickle jars… or other hard-to-access vittles.

CHIP RAAAAGE!!

CHIP RAAAAGE!!

Yes, it took me a week to open a damn jar of pickles. Go ahead, laugh. See where it gets you.
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•Level of Rage:
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-Cause of Rage:
Derpy, yet maddeningly persistent cowlick on the back of my head.
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The devious bastard seems to sprout at very inopportune moments, and no amount of coaxing will tame the wild menace.
Special thanks to all of you people who repeatedly inform me when this occurs…
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(as if I didn’t already know!)

•Level of Rage:
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-Cause of Rage:
“Happy” By Pharell Williams.

I don’t need to post a video. I don’t want to post a video. This song makes me feel many things, but ‘happy’ is not one of them.

•Level of Rage:
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-Cause of Rage:
The Chicago Blackhawks.
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Ever the hurdle the Minnesota Wild just. can’t. seem. to. overcome. We are still not out of the running for this year’s playoffs yet, but so far the outlook seems to be repeating its drear history.

Seriously Chicago, can’t you just give us this win? We are the State of Hockey. If anyone deserves the Stanley Cup, it’s us.

•Level of Rage

HAAAAAAWKS!!!

HAAAAAAWKS!!!

 

-Cause of Rage:
Getting shamed for enjoying red meat.
Carmella being coy with steak bone in mouth
Or Hipsters shaming me in general.

Look, I get it. I really do. But popular stuff is sometimes popular for a reason.

And. You. Can. Not. Keep. Me. From. Red. Meat.

Sure as shit, I will sniff out the blood of thine bovine enemies.

Sure as shit, I will sniff out the blood of thine bovine enemies.

 

•Level of Rage:

And don't try to pass off any of that 'Blood Orange' meat off on me. So pretentious.

And don’t try to pass off any of that ‘Blood Orange’ meat off on me.
So pretentious.

 

– Cause of Rage:
When people ask if I’m seeing ‘anyone special’.
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I know the oodles and oodles of caring (read: nosy) people out there are trying to help, but this question infuriates me, no matter how often it rears its head. The frequency definitely adds to the frustration because I am running out of ways to avoid the inquiry.

Hey! Look over there! Beautiful flowers!!

Hey! Look over there!
Beautiful flowers!!

 

•Level of Rage:
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-Cause of Rage:
Similar people trying to fix me up with someone.

This mainly happens at work. Just when I think I’ve dodged the previous question, they get the notion that I need further assistance in the matter and suggest some ‘swell fellows’.
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Not to sound like a jerk, but some of these menu recommendations have to be seen to be believed.

Actually, most are perfectly non-mutant looking humans, they’re just not my type. Which makes it difficult to decline these offers in a nice way.

• Level of Awkward:
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•Level of Rage:
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But while that (and many more personal things) all boils within me, I still manage to find relief by swaying to Enya music, cracking open a cold bottle of Leine’s, and writing a narcissistic vent-blog about it!

Cheers, Muchachos!

Cheers, Muchachos!

 

I will take what is mine with Fire and Blog

Greetings to you all!

As you may have noticed, I enjoy a little series by the name of Game of Thrones. And by ‘enjoy’ I mean ‘obsess heavily’.
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There are many things that draw me to this show. Like the richly woven plot filled with devious plots and complex characters.

And by that I mean the constant stream of pointless nudity and gratuitous savagery.

But among all that premium-cable feast for my mature eyes, there are many lessons that the show has taught me, that I will now share with you.

Before we begin, let’s have a little disclaimer from our favorite crazed, fire-worshipping sorceress.
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1.The Geek Shall Inherit The Earth

I already wrote a whole post on this (click above to catch up) but if there’s one thing that this show has taught me is that while fantasy-genre lovers have historically led a very virginal lifestyle (not by choice), this show has now become one of the most popular shows around.

So to all of you geeks out there who normally strike out in the love department:

Just tell that special gal you’ve had your eye on that you watch Game of Thrones, and she will gladly go home with you.

Just play this when things are about to get hot and heavy.

2. If someone seems sketchy, or BLATANTLY TELLS YOU not to trust them, do NOT trust them.

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Oh Ned. Stupid, honorable, dead Ned. The only way to play this game is with dirty hands and Littlefingers.
Let’s hope that the rest of the Starks are a little more wary of the questionable people of Westeros.

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…so much for that.

3. Don’t be so quick to judge.
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You never know how your own dirty laundry may compare.
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(Incest is purely a metaphor here.)

4. R+L=JS(T) 5eva.

Sorry, that little tidbit was for the book readers. It’s our calling card.

5. Try not to get discouraged if you lose your way in a hopeless situation.
It’ll sometimes work out.
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6. Or life can continually be very shitty and deal you terrible hands at every turn.
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Hang in there.

7.Don’t underestimate a woman.
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Bro, do you even conquer?

8. Just because a woman may seem kind and fair, does not mean she is weak.
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As Poison so eloquently sang, “Every Rose has its thorn.”

9. Don’t underestimate young people.
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Strongest powers, much?

10. Don’t underestimate the elderly.
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She’s not called the Queen of Thorns for nothing, people. You shall see.

11. Small men cast large shadows.
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And attract legions of fans.

12. Beware of questionable fertility trends.
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If you and your loved one are looking to conceive, beware of new-age trendy smoke-baby methods.

13. Every time you ask George R.R. Martin when he will release Winds of Winter, he kills off another character.
There is only one thing we say to the God of Death: Just take your time and take as long as you need to finish the books.

14. Don’t push the ones you love too far. They can only take so much before they’ll reach their breaking point.
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….fore….
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…shadowing…

15. If a deal seems too good to be true, it probably is.
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16.Having skills with the ladies is great, but sometimes it IS important to work on having a nice personality to fall back on.
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You never know when some sadistic bastard (literally) will chop off your main assets.

17. No matter how devoted your fandom may be, there will always be people a bit more… zealous.

Game of Thrones BDSM Festival, <– anyone?

18. You’d be surprised how much a person can redeem themselves.

Some characters that have had very horrible traits at first…
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..incest…
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…enthusiastically murdering others…
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….rape….

…were ones I unexpectedly grew very fond of.

19. There can be only one winner in this game.
I think we all are aware of who I’d like that to be.
WItp0EB

20. …and most importantly…

Hodor hodor, hodor; hodor hodor hodor.
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Until next time, Lords and Ladies!