Summertime Sadness: A Reflection on My Dating Life

This is sorta awkward guys. I know it’s been a while. I know you may be coping with some abandonment issues. I know I am grossly overestimating how much people actually like this blog. But, explanations will be given anyways.It’s summer everyone! It means festivals, friends, beach, outside, ice cream, copious thigh sweat, and ant infestations.

I’m not even going to pretend to care what you foolish mortals have done with your spare time, but I have been up to quite a bit.

For one: IT’s Summer! I’ve been enjoying the pleasant weather. And by that I mean “FUCKING CONSTANT BARRAGE OF RAIN” Seriously though. It’s excessive. We now have 20,000 lakes. In times like these I still try to keep a positive outlook on the situation.

Besides, we all know if it was over 75 degrees, my summer would pretty much wind up like this:

But yes, outdoors. I have committed numerous outdoor acts in the recent months.

I went camping! It was wonderful and only had a max of three parasitic organisms draining me of my life-force. No, I was not attacked by ticks or mosquitos draining me of my blood. The parasites in question were my lovely  nieces* and the aforementioned life-force happens to be 4g service on my cell phone. So, like the terrible people we all were, we spent each night binge-watching Adventure Time rather than ‘becoming one with nature’ or some sentimental crap like that.

*I seriously never would insult my nieces on a public platform. Any seemingly negative qualities I may attribute to them are only ones I myself would be equally guilty of. I most likely taught them terrible things :-).

There was still plenty of fun to be had outdoors. We went kite flying! Which, apparently becomes hard as Satanic Hell when you pass the age of 18.

This is what happens when you Google: 'Kite Fail' btw. (Accurate Depiction)

This is what happens when you Google: ‘Kite Fail’ btw.
(Accurate Depiction)

If camping will always be like that wonderful weekend, then count me in for more!

Hmm. What else was done in the dreadful outdoors? Ah yes, training for my first 5K. It is coming along quite fast (in one week) and have recently discovered shocking new developments that have led me to drastically change my preparations.

All that time. Spent in outdoor Tiki Bars.... spent for naught.

All that time. Spent in outdoor Tiki Bars…. spent for naught.


I also have been driving profusely to visit friends and family, setting stuff on fire, and some other outdoorsy stuff. If you really wanna know what I all did outside, just check out my Instagram. As a true Millennial, I can’t possibly let my mediocre adventures go undocumented.

Okay. Let’s see. Now for indoor activities…

oh yeah, of course.

I watched ALL episodes of Orange Is The New Black in one sitting. I’m not even regretting it. I’m not even sorry. That show just has some sort of effect on me.

Okay no, not THAT effect. C'mon guys. That's what Fan-Fic is for...

Okay no, not THAT effect.
C’mon guys. That’s what Fan-Fic is for…

But no. Somehow I made it through ALL THE EPISODES. And wound up in a mind-blown haze of wonder and bewilderment.



Did I realize the abject horror one person [Vee] could unleash upon the inmates?
Absolutely not.

Did I realize that the superb writing would shake my own self-filled backstories to the core and change how I perceived seemingly harmless characters [Morello]?
No way!

Did I really think I could possibly find new character favorites [POUSSEY!!] in the midsts of one of the strongest ensembles on television?

So yeah. Season 2 was pure brilliance. Moving on.

So guys, the real reason I’ve taken to slacker-status on my blogging is because I’ve made another venture out in the realm of dating. I take breaks from dating because 1. I am too freaking awkward 2. It gets physically and mentally exhausting trying to switch that off to impress someone. 3. I usually have to drain that preciously finite energy from other sources, ie: the delightfully cliche pun-making, gif-herding, and meta self-depreciation that comprises this ‘blog’.

But yes. I am ready again. Let us hope this attempt is much different than other times. Well, actually it is. Way different. But I maybe will extrapolate on that all one fine day.

Anyways. Explanations, yeah? You see, normally when I get back on a dating kick, I now result to a no-shame beeline for online dating. Getting to type a fully contrived persona before meeting someone? My confidence exudes as follows:

It's going dowwwn.  I'm yelling "TINDERRRRR!!"""

It’s going dowwwn.
I’m yelling “TINDERRRRR!!”


However, since this dating venture is super drastically different in ways unknown to some and possibly obvious to others, I did not make a beeline to such methods.

Somehow, miraculously, I have still met a few people. Some have been a tad underwhelming and have clearly NOT read the guidelines I listed in a potential mate.

Some of these potential people have been quite wonderful. But then I screw it up. Before you try to accept my pity-party invitation, please know that the statement is scathingly true. I am awkward as shit and it seriously gets in the way.

Seriously, let me paint you a picture of some of my bloopers that send the others running.

– Discussing the fact that I came up with my own ‘sexy’ choreography to the Disney song, ‘Be Prepared’ (Scar’s song).

In my defense… How could you NOT?

– Explaining the Socialist implications of how game boosts are given in Mario Kart.

– Revealing that my love of pickles has conditioned me in a Pavlovian (yes I actually said Pavlovian) way to legitimately begin drooling when I see a pickle jar.

-Making creepily early references to any sort of romantic connection on a public blog.

Now, there are plenty more dumb errors I have made. It has led to some people understandably exiting the situation. It has also left some remaining stragglers.

Just in time for stage 2!

Now, sensibly, if someone puts up with those initial ridiculous shenanigans, I would realize they are actually sorta interested and you know, chill?

Absolutely freaking NOT.

Absolutely freaking NOT.

You see, now is the time that I hold unnaturally deep conversations with people. Just words. All the time.

It begins innocently. It really does. You see guys, I cannot just have a purely physical connection with someone. They need them a purdy brain before they can be ready for this Jelly. It can still wind up being a somewhat ‘casual’ relationship thing with that person.

It just unfortunately seems like I am trying to ‘wife the shit outta them’ (actual statement I’ve heard). That is not the case, however.

I have decided that it breaks down to this: You know how some people can casually throw around their kitty?

Or some wait until marriage. Whatever you do is fine! As long as you do you!

Or some wait until marriage. Whatever you do is fine! As long as you do you!

Well I can respect and understand those women who just wanna casually throw around their kitty as long they’re safe, consenting, happy, etc, awesome! But I am just NOT one of those girls.

Instead of casually throwing my kitty, I casually throw around my soul and personality. I get a real joy out of making a connection with someone. It fulfills me just like that. It doesn’t always need to escalate. It doesn’t need to evolve into a lofty-label. It doesn’t mean I am planning the names of our unborn.

It simply means this: I am connecting with you on a deeper level than the general public, and I am enjoying the CURRENT MOMENT of it all. The ONLY implication this will give of future events is of potential kitty-throwing.

TL;DR: I’m not trying to be a wife here. I’m just a weirdo that still needs an emotional connection even in more casual relationships.

If you fools seriously thought I explained this to my dates and cleared the confusion, GTFO. You have clearly not grasped my eloquent depiction of my inherent ability NOT to simplify things.

Instead of keeping it simple and open, I just babbled. More. And more. And more. And when confronted with my completely unsexy tendency to babble, I simply began backpedalling. Instead of the proper route which is: ‘Chill the Fuck out’ I just kept up with the word vomit. Eventually all my words became a revolting clusterfuck.

So much so, I’ve taken to calling the whole phenomenon RAT KINGDon’t know what that is? Well, Google it. I’ll wait here.. because it’s absolutely disgusting. Which is precisely how I feel about my antics when I screw things up like this.

So naturally, I have had the inevitable “We should just be friends” statement thrown my way. It sucks. But I get it. I really need to do an overhaul here.

I have a lesson throughout all of this, folks. Stop overthinking. Stop trying to rationalize and talk your way through things that really SHOULDN’T be rationalized. Just do. Just be. Just live. You’re going to get a lot more respect and happiness that way. If not from others, then definitely from yourself.



It’s the end of the world(summer) as we know it!

Hello to you all! Well If you’re reading this it means you’ve survived the weekend. It also means that it marks the end of summer as we know it. I’m sure you already discovered this factoid after seeing the barrage of “First Day Of School” photos on various social media sites.

It also means that it is now tacky to wear white, but who the hell still follows that social rule anymore?

Anyways my point is that:
“Fall is here. Hear the yell.”

As with every passing spring, I get big ambitions for what to do with my precious few moments of non winter. (Seriously… this was 2/3rds of the year in Minnesota)
And with every passing fall I would realize yet again that my ambitions on how much adventure I will jam-pack in my summer were far too… ambitious. I’m not saying that my summer was a complete FAIL, it just maybe wasn’t some wonderfully life-changing journey I can fondly wax poetic on.

I will now regale you all with my part FAIL part EPIC WIN! of a summer by listing my May-Issued Summer Bucket List (such an overused term) Croaking Checklist!

    • First things first.
      Goal: Get a rockin’ beach body.
      I don’t even know why I put this one on my list. It goes against my strict dieting principle:
      Seriously though. People need to just simmer down on this. I consider myself average to slim and I frequently see girls skinnier than me posting pictures of their Kale n’ Tofu salad made with dehydrated lentils. I hate to deflate their excruciatingly wild (and very confusing) enthusiasm about such a pitiful excuse of a meal, but that’s what it is!
      While they were all busy doing that, my diet fell more into this spectrum.
      Verdict: Fail. Although even though my eating habits reflected a post-Honey-Boo-Boo age, I still remained fairly active but I shall cover that later.
    • Goal: Catch up on some of my bills/organize my things while I was at home
      Status: I actually did pretty decently at this one. Yeah, yeah… before you get after me for living at home, I had run into some unexpected circumstances in life, but I got caught up on that so…
      But while I was home, I got caught up on my bills and was able to spend some money to have fun. I also was able to organize and downsize some of my things because as I’ve stated on a previous blog, Moving Sucks.
      Verdict: Mostly win! Because as hard as I worked there are still some boxes I never got to, and still some items I cannot find the heart to get rid of, no matter how useless they’ve become.
    • Goal: Enjoy the outdoors.
      Status: I had true delusions of grandeur on this one. When that first full day of 40 degree weather came about in, I stood out in my t-shirt basking in the delicious April sun. (This really was no embellishment, I can say as a Minnesotan that this is what we usually do). After such a grand day as that first defeat of winter, I made plans to get as much time outdoors as possible.
      Now this had a slightly doomed fate from the get-go because I will use the following illustration to summarize my normal outdoor endeavors:
      But after how unbearably long and arduous this last winter was, (Minnesotans you know what I mean!) I really was serious on getting going on my other frequent summer activities such as biking, hiking, walking, swimming, and tubing (silly judgmental people, I do not only drink!) But as the summer kicked off I got really busy with my move (which was ok because all the hauling and lifting kept me active and more toned than my usual Betty Spaghetti arm model). I also got to participate in lots of summer bonfires (25% with friends/family 75% me burning old garbage).
      Once I had some free time and had a new area to explore, the heat skyrocketed to a sweltering 105 degrees. To all of you out-of-staters, that may not seem like much of a big deal but we Minnesotans are the crazies who as children were sent out to play in the -30 degree windchill and then break out the shorts at the first sign of 40.
      Whenever I went outside in that mess, It would usually go as shown:
      But eventually the temperature got to a decent temperature, and I was able to get in all sorts of fun activities like lake time, 4-wheeling, hiking, biking, and yes, even a few patio drinks 🙂
      Verdict: Underdog Win!
    • Goal: Make this summer count.
      Status: Well, again I had good aspirations with this one, but then I got a Netflix subscription and donated most of my time to… Well you know…
      Verdict: I actually did go on some adventures. I saw my family, I went to some concerts, and I went to some festivals.
      Did I have some life-changing epiphany like in all the feel-good movies from our childhood, I don’t think so?

      Did I make new friends at camp?

But all in all I give this summer a big fat mediocre win!

Until next time folks!