Television Death Match Spectacular

Hello my Dino-Nuggets!

I don’t know about you, but the last couple of weeks have been DAUNTING. Work really did a number on me. I got a letter back from the state saying I was mistaken on my tax return, and now OWE money. Game of Thrones won’t be on this weekend!! Really terrible stuff.
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In order to fill up my time normally spent anticipating/watching/reviewing/obsessing over the show, I now have some time to write…

about Game Of Thrones.

 

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[not sorry]

I will prove to you all how great this show is by having a

TELEVISION DEATH MATCH SPECTACULAR-MANIA 26!!!

I will match up some Game of Thrones cast members with some other beloved tv characters in a brutal test of awesomeness! There will only be one victor per round.
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Without further adoo…

~ROUND ONE~

 

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Broody bastard that could melt The Wall with his smolder…. Jon Snow.

VS

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Broody law enforcement man who could stop a horde dead in their tracks with his… personality?….Rick Grimes
[The Walking Dead]

Winner:
Hmm.. both are reluctant leaders constantly faced with the looming threat of an Undead army. Both lack a massive emotional range/interesting storyline (at least compared to their costars), yet still attract massive support of the fandoms.

I’d have to give the win to Rick. They won’t kill off Rick. The whole story rides on him.

~ Round 2 ~
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The ruthless Momma Lion Cersei Lannister.

VS

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The positively Psycho Norma Bates. [Bates Motel]

Winner:
Norma Bates.
Sorry Cersei. Even when dead, Norma still holds tremendous psychological holds over her offspring. When’s the last time you were able to contain your bratty kids?

~ Round 3 ~
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Our smokin’ hot Red Priestess Melisandre.

VS

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The Supremely bewitching Cordelia Foxx. [American Horror Story]

Winner:
Cordelia.

I mean c’mon. She’s the Supreme. Even if she could be killed by Melly, (although not by fire due to her Pyrokinesis) she can be brought back to life by her one true love (FOXXAY 4 lyfe!) who just happens to have the power of resurgence.
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~ Round 4 ~

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The lethal Bisexual hailing from the sands of Dorne, Oberyn Martell!

VS
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The Nordic sex-beast himself, vampire Eric Northman. [True Blood]

Winner:
Tie

The Red Viper may be very suave and skilled and combat, but he just cannot compete with a 1,000 year old vampire. Unless of course the battle were to be held in Dorne. That particular house of Westeros seems to readily idolize one of Eric’s greatest weaknesses.

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Spears, ALL vampires fear spears.

I predict the battle will begin at night, and Oberyn will fend Eric off before getting mortally wounded. Eric will have lost track of time trying to kill off Oberyn and burn upon the rising of the sun. Leading to both contestants to win AND lose.

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Oh yeah book readers, I just did that.

~ Round 5 ~
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Lannister Golden Boy (see what I did there?) Jaime Lannister.

VS

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Resident hottie Schmidt. [New Girl]

Winner:
Jaime Lannister.

Both of these competitors would be neck and neck in a popularity contest, although no one would know why. Both infamously arrogant jerks seem to have a radiating magnetism to them. But this is not a competition for Country Club President, it is a FIGHT TO THE DEATH. And knowing how to fight with a sword (even with a gimpy gold hand) clearly proves an advantage.

~ Round 6 ~

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Conniving Geriatric Olenna Tyrell.

VS
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Sassy Artistocrat Dowager Countess. [Downton Abbey]

Winner:
Queen of Thorns.
While both are fabulously sharp-tongued and could have an unparalleled verbal fencing match, there is a clear disadvantage here.
You see, the British High-Society folk just cannot turn down a cup of tea. And Queen Olenna seems to love adding extra… surprises… in beverages.

Just ask this poor schmuck.

Just ask this poor schmuck.

~ Round 7 ~

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The Wildling Kissed By Fire, Ygritte.

VS
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The fiery beauty, Gloria Pritchett. [Modern Family]

Winner:
Ygritte.
While both opinionated accent-speaking beauties would have a good go at it, Ygritte would have no problem in hand-to-hand combat and would mercilessly kill anyone who got in her way. (Besides maybe, ‘John Sneauuuu’).

~ Round 8 ~ TAG TEAM ROUND ~
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The Prince of Transcendence Brand Stark and the eloquent Hodor.

VS
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The Adventuresome dream team of Finn and Jake. [Adventure Time]

Winners:
Bran + Hodor.
While there is no denying Finn and Jake’s bravery and impressive battle history against all sorts of scary foes, they just don’t stand a chance against Bran and Hodor. For one, this is Hodor we’re talking about. It has not been confirmed, but he is clearly the frontrunner to win the Iron Throne. And then you have Bran, who is essentially training to be one of the Old Gods. Even if Finn and Jake seem to gain an advantage in the battle, Bran will simply Warg into Jake’s mind, turning him against Finn.

~Round 9~

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The no-nonsense Brienne.

VS
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The no-time-for-your-bullshit Lana Kane. [Archer]

Winner:

These two Amazonian powerhouses would have a very close-hard fought battle, after first sitting down to enjoy the company of someone who deals with as much crap from peers as the other does. But once Lana decided the fight was dragging on too long, she’d pick out one of her many guns and finish the job, like she always does.

~ Round 10 ~
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The devious Master of Coin (and deception), Petyr Baelish.

VS
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Capitol Hill power-player Frank Underwood. [House of Cards]

Winner:

Oh boy. This is a very tough one. Both are exceptionally good at using any means necessary (including unsuspecting people) to get what they want and cunningly climb the ladder to rule.
I suppose I’d have to give the slight edge on this to Littlefinger, for I feel he would be slightly more quick to simply murder his foe if he knew he would be a tough competitor.

~ Round 11 ~
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The protagonist you have trouble rooting for (but still sort of pity)… Theon Greyjoy.

VS

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The protagonist you REALLY have trouble rooting for… Hannah Horvath. [HBO’s GIRLS]

Winner:
Theon, by a landslide.
Even if Hannah actually did any sort of damage to Theon, he has clearly shown he can take all sorts of physical abuse and pain and still function. Hannah would self-destruct as soon as she knows she wouldn’t be able to tur her battle experiences in a self-indulgent screenplay.

~ Round 12 ~

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THE MOST IRRITATING BASTARD IN THE REALM… JOFFREY BARATHEON.

VS
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THE MOST AGGRAVATING CRIMINAL EVER TO INHABIT LITCH… TIFFANY ‘PENNSATUCKY’ DOGGETT.
[Orange Is The New Black]

Winner:
Pennsatucky. Even though Joffrey is a terrible excuse for a human being, he is quite cowardly. A match between these two questionably-inbred jerks would be close, all Pennsatucky would need is some misinterpreted sign from God that Joffrey needed to die, and she would stop at nothing to see it done.
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~ Round 13 ~

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Young Badass Arya Stark.

VS
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Wise-beyond-her-years Sally Draper. [Mad Men]

Winner:
Arya Stark.
Clearly the young lady training to be a FREAKING ASSASSIN would have the combative advantage here. But as far as judging the quality each character brings to their respective show, it’d be a pretty even matchup.

~Round 14 ~
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The most snuggly bodyguard evar… Sandor ‘The Hound’ Clegane.

VS
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The friendliest Teddy Bear of a government worker you’ll know… Ron ‘Duke Silver’ Swanson.
[Parks and Recreation]

Winner:
The Hound, duh.
Even though I love Ron Swanson for his grumpiness, epic one-liners, and general disdain for everyone else but himself, I love The Hound for all the same reasons. So then we must take into consideration that The Hound is a highly skilled and ruthless killer.

~Round 15~
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The daddy-of-the-year Tywin Lannister.

VS
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Teacher-of-the-year Walter ‘Heisenberg’ White. [Breaking Bad]

Winner:
Walter White.
Even though Tywin is a master strategist, I really don’t think he’d fare well against Mr. ‘I-Am-The-Danger’. Walter seems to luck out of so many deadly situations and come out on top. Besides, he has plenty of useful Chemistry tricks up his sleeve.
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~Round 16~
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He puts the ‘IMP’ in ‘PIMP’… Tyrion Lannister.

VS
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Everyone’s favorite High-Functioning Sociopath, Sherlock Holmes.

Winner:
With an underdog win, Tyrion Lannister.
Even though this would be a battle of wits to go down in history, I feel that Tyrion would somehow come out ahead. I am not sure how, but I feel it would happen. Also, image the outrage if Tyrion were to ever die. If Sherlock were to die, we’d just have to face the wrath of the Cumber-bitches. If Tyrion gets killed off EVERYONE WILL RIOT.

*HINT*HINT*, George R.R. Martin.

~FINAL ROUND~

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The beautiful Daenerys ‘name-is-not-Khaleesi’ Targaryen.

VS

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The… lots of adjectives… Clone Club. [Orphan Black]

Winner:
Tie.

I know. You’re probably wondering how I could go against my raging Targaryen Fealty and NOT declare Dany as the unquestionable victor. But the truth is, I really don’t see either matchup being completely wiped out. Sure Dany has an entire Army and friggin’ DRAGONS, but I feel that more and more clones would keep popping up no matter how many she kills. And If she were without her army, guards, or dragons, I feel that Dany wouldn’t stand a chance against some of these ladies, especially Helena.

Also I feel like this guy would throw a stupid love-triangle wrench into the whole deal.

Daario

Daario

whatshisface... Orphan Daario

whatshisface… Orphan Daario

So I’ll just make a ruling on this and declare them all the winners! The Clones could join Dany and be excellent Royal Advisors.
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So after many hard fought battles, one side triumphed just a few times more (but it was close). And the winner is…

GAME OF THRONES.

Did you really think this would turn out a different way?

I’m sure plenty of you may disagree with my ruling on this, and may go to lengths to let me know. And I only have this to say about it.

Haters to the Left.

Haters to the Left.

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Hello to you all!

This week I am going to inform you about a serious issue spreading the nation. Vampires. Or as they say on True Blood, Vampers.

First things first, the random musical numbers.

  1. Down – Miranda Lambert
  2. Dosed – Red Hot Chili Peppers
  3. E.T. – Katy Perry
  4. Where Did Our Love Go? – Diana Ross & The Supremes
  5. Kashmir – Led Zeppelin
  6. Judas – Lady Gaga
  7. Make You Feel My Love – Adele
  8. How Could I Forget? – The Faint
  9. See The Light – Green Day
  10. Bad Things – Jace Everett … okay that one wasn’t a random coincidence. It is the True Blood theme song.

What is True Blood? Well for starters it is the reason I picked this topic this week (the season finale just aired). Out of the numerous vampire adaptations out there, it is my favorite. And, as a good friend of mine so eloquently put it, it is porn.
…It actually isn’t porn, but it is a hit show on HBO that takes advantage of certain… liberties… with being on a premium subscription-based network.
But yes, there is sex. I could say I watch it purely for the plot, but I would be lying. So yeah I watch it for the sex, so what? Find me a man who doesn’t watch at least one thing purely for the sex, and I will show you a dirty liar with a lot of strength in his right wrist and an empty browser history. I won’t start a rant because I don’t consider myself a feminist when there are so many heavy boxes to lift and unpaid dinners to take care of.
As for True Blood, the plot is actually quite exciting, but lemme break it down for you.

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Vampires, especially Eric Northman are hot.
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Most women agree with me to some point about the allure of the vampires. Any girl who denies that they are, is either lying or hasn’t tapped into that aspect of attraction. Whether you take it old school and dig the original Dracula, swoon over Lestat and Louis
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swooning

Get giddy over Damon, Angel, Blade or any others.
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arousal

…or even.. this guy…
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…Eh…sure…

Most women seem to be turned on, or at least interested in the idea of a vampire, the question is why?
Well I’ve come up with a few reasons.

  • The first and most obvious, vampires are sexy.
  • They are handsome, forever young, and very ripped without hogging up your craft room with their stupid Bowflex (do people even still use those?).
  • They are loners. No annoying buddies hogging up all your quality time with poker night, COD night, or trips to the local strip joint.
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  • They have an affinity for biting. Most girls have a slightly small attraction to men who are dominance, cause pain, and can tap into sensuous areas of a woman’s body without going straight into doing the nasty.

    (Seriously boys. Foreplay)
  • They are persuasive and intriguing. Most vampires don’t get women to completely submit by being agressive. In all actuality they are quite hypnotic. In some universes, you can find a typical vampire waiting outside a woman’s door, watching her in a tree, or following her home on a dark night. He then swoops up to her and puts on the charm to ultimately get her to let him into her home for biting and f_ _ _ing… (fanging you pervs). He is able to do this because he looks the girl straight in her eyes, speaks with sultry conviction, and has fangs. Seriously fellas, this behavior is date rape if you do not have fangs.
  • Vampires are the ultimate mysterious bad boys. Men, despite your girlfriend’s frequent questions about “What are you thinking about?” most women, including her, enjoy the fact that their man is a big mystery, and she can’t always read his thoughts.
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    (Well actually ladies, this is pretty much the mystery… Boobs n’ Beer)
    But vampires are very complex, moody, and dark chasms of mystery. You never know what’s going on in their head.

    You also never know what a vampire is fully capable of. We all know a vampire is a sexy bad boy, but is he Zane the college kid giving you rides on his motorcycle when you were in high school bad or any minute I will completely choke the very breath out of you then eviscerate you and devour the remains bad?Some women love to toe that line.
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Some women don’t find that sexy, however. Some of you ladies might have found all of my reasons listed above offensive, although if that is the case you’ve probably not read this far. Some women like their vampires to refuse to kill anyone, use their powers for evil, refuse to drink your blood, and abstain from any and all forms of sexual activity. I am, of course, referring to Stephanie Meyer’s enigma that is the Twilight Saga. (Bet you’ve never used Stephanie Meyer and enigma in a sentence together have you?)
Well here are a few more reasons vampires who can’t have sex or be violent can still be panty-droppers (on your wedding night of course).

  • They’re romantic. Most vampires have lived for hundreds of years. Through elegant ballroom dances, old-fashioned courtship, and Disney princesses. Vampires had first-hand experience of the true era of romance (sorry guys, I’m sure most of the men of yore would have opted for Olive Garden in a pinch).
  • When a vampire commits to you, it is forever.
    ….or at least as long as you live, which really isn’t all that long for him….
    But forget I uttered that distraction from the facade. He really will be with you forever and ever and ever! And will still look as dreamy as the day you first laid eyes upon him. And since he only comes awake at night he won’t feel ashamed taking your old granny butt out in the dark on dates.

But there you go guys, and skeptical girls. A somewhat educated guess into why this is such a big phenomena.

But in case some of you men still don’t get the appeal of a vampire…
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Well, I guess that’s your opinion. Let me know if you change your mind.

Until next time, folks!