Summertime Sadness: A Reflection on My Dating Life

So..
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This is sorta awkward guys. I know it’s been a while. I know you may be coping with some abandonment issues. I know I am grossly overestimating how much people actually like this blog. But, explanations will be given anyways.It’s summer everyone! It means festivals, friends, beach, outside, ice cream, copious thigh sweat, and ant infestations.

I’m not even going to pretend to care what you foolish mortals have done with your spare time, but I have been up to quite a bit.

For one: IT’s Summer! I’ve been enjoying the pleasant weather. And by that I mean “FUCKING CONSTANT BARRAGE OF RAIN” Seriously though. It’s excessive. We now have 20,000 lakes. In times like these I still try to keep a positive outlook on the situation.
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Besides, we all know if it was over 75 degrees, my summer would pretty much wind up like this:
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But yes, outdoors. I have committed numerous outdoor acts in the recent months.

I went camping! It was wonderful and only had a max of three parasitic organisms draining me of my life-force. No, I was not attacked by ticks or mosquitos draining me of my blood. The parasites in question were my lovely  nieces* and the aforementioned life-force happens to be 4g service on my cell phone. So, like the terrible people we all were, we spent each night binge-watching Adventure Time rather than ‘becoming one with nature’ or some sentimental crap like that.

*I seriously never would insult my nieces on a public platform. Any seemingly negative qualities I may attribute to them are only ones I myself would be equally guilty of. I most likely taught them terrible things :-).

There was still plenty of fun to be had outdoors. We went kite flying! Which, apparently becomes hard as Satanic Hell when you pass the age of 18.

This is what happens when you Google: 'Kite Fail' btw. (Accurate Depiction)

This is what happens when you Google: ‘Kite Fail’ btw.
(Accurate Depiction)

If camping will always be like that wonderful weekend, then count me in for more!

Hmm. What else was done in the dreadful outdoors? Ah yes, training for my first 5K. It is coming along quite fast (in one week) and have recently discovered shocking new developments that have led me to drastically change my preparations.

All that time. Spent in outdoor Tiki Bars.... spent for naught.

All that time. Spent in outdoor Tiki Bars…. spent for naught.

 

I also have been driving profusely to visit friends and family, setting stuff on fire, and some other outdoorsy stuff. If you really wanna know what I all did outside, just check out my Instagram. As a true Millennial, I can’t possibly let my mediocre adventures go undocumented.

Okay. Let’s see. Now for indoor activities…

oh yeah, of course.

I watched ALL episodes of Orange Is The New Black in one sitting. I’m not even regretting it. I’m not even sorry. That show just has some sort of effect on me.

Okay no, not THAT effect. C'mon guys. That's what Fan-Fic is for...

Okay no, not THAT effect.
C’mon guys. That’s what Fan-Fic is for…

But no. Somehow I made it through ALL THE EPISODES. And wound up in a mind-blown haze of wonder and bewilderment.

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I WOKE UP LIKE DIS

Did I realize the abject horror one person [Vee] could unleash upon the inmates?
Absolutely not.

Did I realize that the superb writing would shake my own self-filled backstories to the core and change how I perceived seemingly harmless characters [Morello]?
No way!

Did I really think I could possibly find new character favorites [POUSSEY!!] in the midsts of one of the strongest ensembles on television?
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So yeah. Season 2 was pure brilliance. Moving on.

So guys, the real reason I’ve taken to slacker-status on my blogging is because I’ve made another venture out in the realm of dating. I take breaks from dating because 1. I am too freaking awkward 2. It gets physically and mentally exhausting trying to switch that off to impress someone. 3. I usually have to drain that preciously finite energy from other sources, ie: the delightfully cliche pun-making, gif-herding, and meta self-depreciation that comprises this ‘blog’.

But yes. I am ready again. Let us hope this attempt is much different than other times. Well, actually it is. Way different. But I maybe will extrapolate on that all one fine day.

Anyways. Explanations, yeah? You see, normally when I get back on a dating kick, I now result to a no-shame beeline for online dating. Getting to type a fully contrived persona before meeting someone? My confidence exudes as follows:

It's going dowwwn.  I'm yelling "TINDERRRRR!!"""

It’s going dowwwn.
I’m yelling “TINDERRRRR!!”

 

However, since this dating venture is super drastically different in ways unknown to some and possibly obvious to others, I did not make a beeline to such methods.

Somehow, miraculously, I have still met a few people. Some have been a tad underwhelming and have clearly NOT read the guidelines I listed in a potential mate.
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Some of these potential people have been quite wonderful. But then I screw it up. Before you try to accept my pity-party invitation, please know that the statement is scathingly true. I am awkward as shit and it seriously gets in the way.

Seriously, let me paint you a picture of some of my bloopers that send the others running.

– Discussing the fact that I came up with my own ‘sexy’ choreography to the Disney song, ‘Be Prepared’ (Scar’s song).

In my defense… How could you NOT?

– Explaining the Socialist implications of how game boosts are given in Mario Kart.

– Revealing that my love of pickles has conditioned me in a Pavlovian (yes I actually said Pavlovian) way to legitimately begin drooling when I see a pickle jar.

-Making creepily early references to any sort of romantic connection on a public blog.

Now, there are plenty more dumb errors I have made. It has led to some people understandably exiting the situation. It has also left some remaining stragglers.

Just in time for stage 2!

Now, sensibly, if someone puts up with those initial ridiculous shenanigans, I would realize they are actually sorta interested and you know, chill?

Absolutely freaking NOT.

Absolutely freaking NOT.

You see, now is the time that I hold unnaturally deep conversations with people. Just words. All the time.

It begins innocently. It really does. You see guys, I cannot just have a purely physical connection with someone. They need them a purdy brain before they can be ready for this Jelly. It can still wind up being a somewhat ‘casual’ relationship thing with that person.

It just unfortunately seems like I am trying to ‘wife the shit outta them’ (actual statement I’ve heard). That is not the case, however.

I have decided that it breaks down to this: You know how some people can casually throw around their kitty?

Or some wait until marriage. Whatever you do is fine! As long as you do you!

Or some wait until marriage. Whatever you do is fine! As long as you do you!

Well I can respect and understand those women who just wanna casually throw around their kitty as long they’re safe, consenting, happy, etc, awesome! But I am just NOT one of those girls.

Instead of casually throwing my kitty, I casually throw around my soul and personality. I get a real joy out of making a connection with someone. It fulfills me just like that. It doesn’t always need to escalate. It doesn’t need to evolve into a lofty-label. It doesn’t mean I am planning the names of our unborn.

It simply means this: I am connecting with you on a deeper level than the general public, and I am enjoying the CURRENT MOMENT of it all. The ONLY implication this will give of future events is of potential kitty-throwing.

TL;DR: I’m not trying to be a wife here. I’m just a weirdo that still needs an emotional connection even in more casual relationships.

If you fools seriously thought I explained this to my dates and cleared the confusion, GTFO. You have clearly not grasped my eloquent depiction of my inherent ability NOT to simplify things.

Instead of keeping it simple and open, I just babbled. More. And more. And more. And when confronted with my completely unsexy tendency to babble, I simply began backpedalling. Instead of the proper route which is: ‘Chill the Fuck out’ I just kept up with the word vomit. Eventually all my words became a revolting clusterfuck.

So much so, I’ve taken to calling the whole phenomenon RAT KINGDon’t know what that is? Well, Google it. I’ll wait here.. because it’s absolutely disgusting. Which is precisely how I feel about my antics when I screw things up like this.

So naturally, I have had the inevitable “We should just be friends” statement thrown my way. It sucks. But I get it. I really need to do an overhaul here.

I have a lesson throughout all of this, folks. Stop overthinking. Stop trying to rationalize and talk your way through things that really SHOULDN’T be rationalized. Just do. Just be. Just live. You’re going to get a lot more respect and happiness that way. If not from others, then definitely from yourself.

 

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Dates are good for self-esteem… and bowels.

Ladies and Gentlemen…..   MY TRIUMPHANT RETURN!!    *cue music*

Or… to keep up with the times…

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Bet you thought you thought you’d seen the last of me.

Yeah, I took an unexpected party (Baggins style, yo) and by party I mean fiesta, and by fiesta I mean siesta. I realize two months of slacking may seem excessive to you, but think about the bears! …tangent aside, I do realize I missed important things to write about (Christmas, the much needed farewell to 2013, and uhhhh… that, over there) and I still refuse to write about them. So farewell to Christmas (seriously people… take your decorations down already!) and fare-freaking-well to 2013. It’s been a delight. (By delight I mean tremendous disappointment, mental anguish, and soul-numbing mush-bucket.)

Anyways, on to the blog. The topic this week shall go big and bold as I start this new year. I am going to discuss relationships/men/dating etc. Will this be a hot mess of written bashing to all the men who have wronged me in my life? Well, it may very well be a hot mess, but I will keep the bashing to a minimal/anecdotal caliber. Quite frankly, there have been so many more life changes that deserve my attention and emotions so much more.

So my point is, I’m ok, I’m over all of it, I’m a completely sane person who is soooo much better without another person to validate my existence, blabbity blabbity blah.
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Who knows, maybe I may get a lyrical tattoo reaffirming me to stand my ground, live and let die, eat more cheese, you know.. the usual tropes. That’ll teach them.

Anyways after the breakup, I spent my days (read:months) wallowing in self pity and remorse.

An average weekend mapped out as follows.

– 18 hours of alternating between My Little Pony and Breaking Bad marathon sessions.
– 2 hours of obligatory familial interaction to avoid snap judgements of deteriorating mental state.
– 10 hours of in-depth social media stalking.
url– 12 minutes spent for meal production. (Includes microwaving tacquitos, easy-mac, and entire cans of corn (when feeling healthy.))
– 20 minutes of precariously balancing soda cans, Ben and Jerry’s containers, personal pizza boxes, fruit snack wrappers, and yogurt cups (when feeling healthy) into a small trash can in a feat of engineering prowess rarely seen outside of a Jenga game.
– Remaining time spent in a hazy mixture of watching Beaches, The Notebook, Pocahontas, and Forrest Gump with intense nap sessions that result in dreams so vivid it tends to blur reality.

Eventually I got out of those self-destructive patterns and got into new, seemingly more healthy ones, like searching for the special someone that would fill the emotional void in my life.

At first I would attempt to go out in real life to attempt to meet some dates. But being from rural America, this pretty much leaves a bar as your only option. While some guys seemed nice, quite a few were brashly open about their less-than honorable intentions.

It would usually play out like this:

Just.
Like.
This.

Don’t get me wrong. I love myself a man with a giant, meaty, throbbing… vocabulary just fine, but that doesn’t mean you go whipping it out at the first gal who bats an eyelash at you. (Actually, yes, double entendre aside, whip out the vocabulary immediately.)

I realized that the rural bar scene wasn’t my thing and moved on to bigger and …. (I realize ‘better’ should go there, but it just doesn’t feel right) things: Online Dating.

Now this brought on a whole bucket of awkward.
PUBLISHED by catsmob.comBut so was my single life.

First, upon creating my profile, I was met with an eclectic barrage of messages from members who had viewed my profile. At first, my full inbox excited me and made me feel better about myself.
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But upon further investigation, I realized that my inbox was just a cesspool of deviants ranging from:

1. The boring men who lacked in basic conversation skills.
-“hey”

2. The 40+ year olds who had a disturbingly ‘youthful’ side.
-“hey u r beautiful. i would love to show a pretty girl like u how much ive learned over the years. if u like older men i can make u feel realy good.”

3. The geeky men with lush neckbeards who actually read my profile.
They saw how ‘nerdy‘ I am, and wrote something heartfelt as follows:

..except in their mind the conversation would go along the lines of:
“You complete.. my Aggro deck.” (click for translation)
“You had me at ‘Thanos could totally pwn Galactus with the Infinity Gauntlet’.”

*please note that I am not a nerd-hater and I’m sure these men were very nice people, I just realized that there were many things about them that I probably couldn’t relate to.

4. The dude-bros that probably should be in a relationship with themselves.
-“Hey ur hot. Wanna meet up sometime? I like going to the gym a lot so I do look as good as my picture. I hope you do 2. I hate when girls don’t look as good as their pic.”

Once I recognized the true terror of the culture I had immersed myself in, I acted accordingly.
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To be honest, it didn’t play out that way (it was sure close.)

I met (read: anonymously clicked on profiles) a variety of men who seemed to share a lot of interests. But I realized that to move past the messaging stage into actually physically meeting these people (who may or may not be completely shady) created too much anxiety for me, and too much effort to overcome that anxiety and actually ‘make it happen’. So my online-dating days ended with a quiet fizzle. (Much like how my sabbatical from the blogosphere occured).
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So now I’m just in a place where my desire to go out and actively find a person to date consistently loses to my newly found self-esteem and faith in the fact that the ‘right person’ will come along.
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Feel free to check back in a few weeks to see if my old friend, desperation, comes roarin’ on back to kick that healthy mentality in the metaphorical balls.

Until next time people!

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Hello to you all!

This week I am going to inform you about a serious issue spreading the nation. Vampires. Or as they say on True Blood, Vampers.

First things first, the random musical numbers.

  1. Down – Miranda Lambert
  2. Dosed – Red Hot Chili Peppers
  3. E.T. – Katy Perry
  4. Where Did Our Love Go? – Diana Ross & The Supremes
  5. Kashmir – Led Zeppelin
  6. Judas – Lady Gaga
  7. Make You Feel My Love – Adele
  8. How Could I Forget? – The Faint
  9. See The Light – Green Day
  10. Bad Things – Jace Everett … okay that one wasn’t a random coincidence. It is the True Blood theme song.

What is True Blood? Well for starters it is the reason I picked this topic this week (the season finale just aired). Out of the numerous vampire adaptations out there, it is my favorite. And, as a good friend of mine so eloquently put it, it is porn.
…It actually isn’t porn, but it is a hit show on HBO that takes advantage of certain… liberties… with being on a premium subscription-based network.
But yes, there is sex. I could say I watch it purely for the plot, but I would be lying. So yeah I watch it for the sex, so what? Find me a man who doesn’t watch at least one thing purely for the sex, and I will show you a dirty liar with a lot of strength in his right wrist and an empty browser history. I won’t start a rant because I don’t consider myself a feminist when there are so many heavy boxes to lift and unpaid dinners to take care of.
As for True Blood, the plot is actually quite exciting, but lemme break it down for you.

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Vampires, especially Eric Northman are hot.
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Most women agree with me to some point about the allure of the vampires. Any girl who denies that they are, is either lying or hasn’t tapped into that aspect of attraction. Whether you take it old school and dig the original Dracula, swoon over Lestat and Louis
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swooning

Get giddy over Damon, Angel, Blade or any others.
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arousal

…or even.. this guy…
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…Eh…sure…

Most women seem to be turned on, or at least interested in the idea of a vampire, the question is why?
Well I’ve come up with a few reasons.

  • The first and most obvious, vampires are sexy.
  • They are handsome, forever young, and very ripped without hogging up your craft room with their stupid Bowflex (do people even still use those?).
  • They are loners. No annoying buddies hogging up all your quality time with poker night, COD night, or trips to the local strip joint.
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  • They have an affinity for biting. Most girls have a slightly small attraction to men who are dominance, cause pain, and can tap into sensuous areas of a woman’s body without going straight into doing the nasty.

    (Seriously boys. Foreplay)
  • They are persuasive and intriguing. Most vampires don’t get women to completely submit by being agressive. In all actuality they are quite hypnotic. In some universes, you can find a typical vampire waiting outside a woman’s door, watching her in a tree, or following her home on a dark night. He then swoops up to her and puts on the charm to ultimately get her to let him into her home for biting and f_ _ _ing… (fanging you pervs). He is able to do this because he looks the girl straight in her eyes, speaks with sultry conviction, and has fangs. Seriously fellas, this behavior is date rape if you do not have fangs.
  • Vampires are the ultimate mysterious bad boys. Men, despite your girlfriend’s frequent questions about “What are you thinking about?” most women, including her, enjoy the fact that their man is a big mystery, and she can’t always read his thoughts.
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    (Well actually ladies, this is pretty much the mystery… Boobs n’ Beer)
    But vampires are very complex, moody, and dark chasms of mystery. You never know what’s going on in their head.

    You also never know what a vampire is fully capable of. We all know a vampire is a sexy bad boy, but is he Zane the college kid giving you rides on his motorcycle when you were in high school bad or any minute I will completely choke the very breath out of you then eviscerate you and devour the remains bad?Some women love to toe that line.
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Some women don’t find that sexy, however. Some of you ladies might have found all of my reasons listed above offensive, although if that is the case you’ve probably not read this far. Some women like their vampires to refuse to kill anyone, use their powers for evil, refuse to drink your blood, and abstain from any and all forms of sexual activity. I am, of course, referring to Stephanie Meyer’s enigma that is the Twilight Saga. (Bet you’ve never used Stephanie Meyer and enigma in a sentence together have you?)
Well here are a few more reasons vampires who can’t have sex or be violent can still be panty-droppers (on your wedding night of course).

  • They’re romantic. Most vampires have lived for hundreds of years. Through elegant ballroom dances, old-fashioned courtship, and Disney princesses. Vampires had first-hand experience of the true era of romance (sorry guys, I’m sure most of the men of yore would have opted for Olive Garden in a pinch).
  • When a vampire commits to you, it is forever.
    ….or at least as long as you live, which really isn’t all that long for him….
    But forget I uttered that distraction from the facade. He really will be with you forever and ever and ever! And will still look as dreamy as the day you first laid eyes upon him. And since he only comes awake at night he won’t feel ashamed taking your old granny butt out in the dark on dates.

But there you go guys, and skeptical girls. A somewhat educated guess into why this is such a big phenomena.

But in case some of you men still don’t get the appeal of a vampire…
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Well, I guess that’s your opinion. Let me know if you change your mind.

Until next time, folks!

50 funny females!

Hello Everyone!

Hopefully this week has been good to you. It sure has for me. I found a nice place to move into (warning: future posts may be delayed). I’ve had sort of a drab stretch of life for a while, but things are finally on the upswing. I was able to get through a lot of  hard times both recently and throughout my whole life, but I will expand on that in a bit.

First Off:

  1. Glycerine – Bush
  2. Icky Thump – The White Stripes
  3. Mud On The Tires – Brad Paisley
  4. Jumpin’ Jack Flash – The Rolling Stones
  5. Kitty – Presidents of the USA
  6. Brandy – Looking Glass
  7. I Couldn’t Kill Albus Dumbledore – Draco and the Malfoys …. yes I have Harry Potter fan music. I totally warned you people of this in my previous post.
  8. Come Fly With Me – Frank Sinatra
  9. If It Means A Lot To You – A Day To Remember
  10. This Side – Nickel Creek

Anyways, I won’t expand on the hardships I’ve gone through because 1. No one wants to hear Debbie Downer tell her life story. And 2. It’s the internet. I know most people don’t care. And I’m okay with that because I have developed one of the most important life skills a person can have: a sense of humor.

I developed my sense of humor at a younger age. Whenever relatives, classmates, peers, and random adults would tease me, I would get angry and lash out, only to make the cruel barrage worse. I also remember frequently thinking “Well that wasn’t even a creative insult.” So I strived to come up with witty rebuttals while in my head developing a razor-sharp insults towards myself that would make any outside jests look completely moronic in comparison.

That foundation added with my love of television/movies and my lack of concern when I make a fool out of myself helped me develop a pretty good sense of humor. Among many other things, I got voted Class Clown in high school. I am very proud of that because I like providing people amusement, even if they’re laughing AT me not WITH me. There are so many people who know laughter is the best medicine, and many of those people inspired me to look at the world the same way.

Without further ado, I will compile a list of the 50 women who taught me to laugh.

50. Cloris Leachman
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With a repertoire as large as hers, it’d be shocking not to include her. To this day she amuses me with all of her cameos and her delightfully senile portrayal of MeeMaw on ‘Raising Hope’.

49. Fran Drescher
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Yes. I know. The voice. As unbelievable as it may be, I actually am immuned to her Harpy cry. I developed an immunity with plenty of healthy doses of ‘The Nanny’. Once you don’t care about The Voice, her delivery and expressions are wonderful. In a fit of niceness, I spared you all and just provided a picture (you can’t deny that she’s a looker).

48. Mo’Nique
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Before she was brutally throwing televisions, Mo’Nique was in the stand-up comedy business, the television business (maybe she was just trying to tell Precious how angry she was that ‘The Parkers’ wasn’t on?), and the do-good business. What a talented woman.

47.Minnie Pearl

“HOWWW-DEEEE!!” Now this will reveal a bit about me. Yes, I am a bit of a bumpkin. But despite the blatant cornfed, downhome twang, I have always been amused by Minnie’s special blend of good-hearted, cheerful, self-poking comedy.

46. Janeane Garofalo
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Aside from a snarky stand-up persona, she frequently appears in many movies. You may have noticed her as the ‘sarcastic bitch that gives no damns’.

45. Molly Shannon

Most of you may know her as a… ‘Superstar!!!’ with over the top antics, but this woman plays an impressive ‘straight man’ as well. In her famous Schweddy Balls (a delicious favorite of mine) she delivers her lines with the straightest of faces.

44. Phyllis Diller
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Another staple in the female comedy business is Phyllis. She became famous with her completely zany performances and wasn’t afraid to laugh at herself. But with a laugh as infamously contagious as hers, why wouldn’t you laugh at yourself?

43. Jackee Harry
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This woman has had a delightful television history but I will always fondly remember her screeching “Ray!!!!” in ‘Sister, Sister’.

42. Debra Messing
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Most famous for her portrayal of Grace Adler on the wildly successful, ‘Will and Grace’, Debra has made quite a name for herself. I always had a lot in common with her title character, and was compared to her by many of my friends who watched the show.

41. Isla Fisher
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While we’re discussing hilarious red-headed bombshells, I better include this funny lady on the list. She makes even the smallest roles memorable with her out-there brand of crazy that could only be a requirement when married to someone as bizarrely hilarious as Sacha Baron Cohen.

40. Rosie O’Donnell
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Yeah yeah, I know. Her modern-day antics have no place on my inspiration list. But let us all look back to a simpler time when Rosie was well-loved. Yes kids, it’s true. And there was also a time when they actually played music on MTV. But whenever Rosie makes some negative appearance in the media, I close my eyes and just imagine her getting slimed with a big grin on her face.

39. Roseanne Barr
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I’ll get another widely hated one out of the way for you all. Even though she is quite bitchy, she’s not afraid to embrace it. Whether you loved it or hated it, ‘Roseanne’ was a groundbreaking sitcom in the sense that it made it acceptable for women of all sizes and degrees of social graces to become leading ladies.

38. Maya Rudolph
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Though usually at her peak when paired with fellow SNL alumni Kristen Wiig, this woman can sure get the laughs on her own in a variety of ways… Even defecating in the street.

37.Whoopi Goldberg
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Along with being an extremely gifted serious actress, Whoopi sure can crack a smile. Sister Act will always be one of my favorites.

36. Sofia Vergara
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Ay Caramba! This muy caliente mujer steals our hearts as the hilarious Gloria on ‘Modern Family’. I always chuckle when I hear “OY Man-eeeeee”

35. Jane Lynch
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Whether in her numerous cameo roles in films, or her ruthlessly wonderful ‘honey badger’-like portrayal of the vindictive Sue Sylvester, her deadpan delivery always gets me to laugh.

34. Emma Stone/Olive Penderghast
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Even though Emma Stone is hilarious in real life. Her portrayal of Olive in ‘Easy A’ was incredibly quotable, hilarious, and relatable… I related to the quirkiness that is, not the ‘pretend to sleep with everyone in school’ thing.

33. Jennifer Lawrence
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Even though she usually plays serious characters, this lady is hilariously genuine in real life. A true inspiration to always be myself.

32. Zooey Deschanel
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If ‘Adorkable’ was a word in the dictionary, Zooey’s picture would be listed. I enjoy her many quirks although her all-male roommates on ‘New Girl’ may not agree.

31. Jessica Walter
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This woman is hilarious! Whether she’s playing a boozy, cruel mother with control issues on ‘Arrested Development’, or a … boozy, cruel mother with control issues… on Archer, she puts the ‘fun’ in FUNctional alcoholic.

30. Wanda Sykes
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Sharp-tongued, blunt, and hilarious, this woman had the best stand-up.

29. Kim Cattrall
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All you ‘Sex and the City’ fans out there know that the show wouldn’t be a show if not for Carrie Bradshaw, but you also can’t deny that Samantha Jones was the true reason you kept watching. Kim Cattrall’s brash role really opened up the door to women embracing their sexuality.

28. Aisha Tyler
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Another ‘Archer’ cast member to make the list, this foxy woman is as busy as she is hilarious. She is a talk show host, a secret agent, stand-up comedian, a proficient gamer, a pod-cast producer, the host of ‘Whose Line is it Anyway?’, and a celebrated author. Kinda makes you feel guilty for sitting on your butt eating cookies now does it?

27. Rue McClanahan
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Before Samantha Jones, there was the insatiable Blanche. The first (but certainly not last) Golden Girl to grace this list was famous for being a vain southern debutante floozy.

26. Lena Dunham
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Not only is her groundbreaking role in ‘Girls’ changing the face of comedy, this incredibly talented woman writes almost all of it.

25. Mayim Bialik/Amy Farrah Fowler
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This former child star sure ‘Blossom’ed into a hilariously nerdy woman both on-screen and in real life. Even though she gets less screen time than her co-stars on ‘The Big Bang Theory’, she always steals the scene, even from Sheldon.

24. Lisa Kudrow

I shouldn’t even need to post that video. You all should have the words of “Smelly Cat” engraved in your hearts. Honestly, I do not think ‘FRIENDS’ would have been as successful if not for the oddball Phoebe.

23. Whitney Cummings
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This hilarious woman has a great stand-up act (which I will hopefully be seeing soon) and is also a talented comedic writer.

22.Megan Mullally

Her role as the chirpy booze-hound Karen Walker in ‘Will and Grace’ made the show a widely successful comedy.

21. Amy Poehler
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c’mon. Surely you’ve seen this woman. She is in a plethora of hilarious things including her hit show ‘Parks and Recreation’. For all the stuff she’s involved in, when isn’t she hilarious?

20. Jenna Marbles
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It would have been fitting to put a Youtube video here, but honestly, I cannot choose! You all know her, you all know where to find her, you all know why I put her on this list. This girl is hilarious. Bye Spiderman!

19. Vicki Lawrence

Oh Mama!  I beg of you, if you’re not familiar with ‘Mama’s Family’, please watch that clip. It takes a very very funny person to get Carol Burnett to crack up. It’s always wonderful to see those two team up.

18. Amanda Bynes
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Oh once upon a time, this girl had so much promise. Current fall from grace aside she is very high on my list because she was my favorite character on ‘All That’. Her wonderful skit acting eventually got her her own show, and inspired me to try to be more open about being the funny girl.

17. Gilda Radner

To all you ‘Saturday Night Live’ enthusiasts out there: you aren’t a true SNL fan unless you know of the original funny woman. While most famous for her role as the brash Roseanne Roseannadanna, Radner starred in a number of hilarious skits during the early years of SNL.

16. Mo Collins

It was incredibly hard to decide between Lorraine or Mama Larkin, but Lorraine definitely won out. The hilarious spoof of a screwball Minnesotan buffoon has everyone I know laughing profusely. Whether it’s her awkward slapstick, or her infamous laugh (which I have mastered), Lorraine will forever hold a place in my funny bone… Hah?!

15. Sandra Bullock
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Along with one of my favorite comedy movies (‘Miss Congeniality’), this beautiful woman has been in so many funny movies playing an intelligent, awkward, dorky woman, which is always something I can relate to.

14. Bea Arthur
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The Golden Girl with the sharpest wit, and saddest dating life, Dorothy was always a little relatable for me. Bea Arthur was also famous in a number of other roles, primarily ‘Maude’.

13. Anna Faris
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This lovable beauty of an actress is famous for playing delightfully naive, spaced-out ditzes. Anyone who knows me decently well will know I am one to bust out a random “Come on Frank! You know I love surprises!!!

12. Estelle Getty

Easily the most quotable Golden Girl. I aspire to be as sassy and carefree as her when I get old.

11.Lily Tomlin
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I first discovered this funny lady in the hilarious ‘9 to 5’. I have since watched many of her hilarious skits and stand-up routines.

And now the top 10.

10. Tina Fey
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Of course this lady is high up on the list. Not only can she put on a funny performance as a comedic actress, she is a top-notch writer and producer.

9. Sarah Silverman
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Since she is infamously offensive, I refrained from posting a video of this crude, ballsy woman. I admire her courage and audacity to not let anything be considered too taboo for laughs.

8. Rebel Wilson
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I strongly debated having her this high on the list, but I get so much amusement from such little snippets of scenes. That to me speaks of the power of Rebel. She shows great promise for the future.

7. Chelsea Handler
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No explanation needed. This woman is my complete idol. She is the epitome of awesome.

6. Ellen Degeneres
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Ellen is an inspiration because I cannot fathom how a person can dislike someone so happy, silly, and friendly.

5. Melissa McCarthy

Oh the quotes I could recite from this woman. Everything she touches is comedic gold in my eyes.

4. Kristen Wiig

Again, too many roles to quote from. In case you guys haven’t guessed, ‘Bridesmaids’ is one of my all-time favorite movies.

3.Carol Burnett


The only one on the list to deserve two videos. (if you’ve never seen those clips PLEASE watch them.) The Queen. I will forever hold her in the highest of esteem when it comes to comedy. She has made so many people laugh and smile.

2. Lucille Ball
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People will massively disagree with this one… only because most people would list her as number one. I do not need to explain why she is so high on the list. She was the originator and will be forever beloved.

1. Betty White.
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Anyone who knows me even remotely knew this was coming. I love absolutely everything this wonderful woman does. Ever since her days on ‘Life With Elizabeth’ to her recent hit ‘Off Their Rockers’, everything she does brings joy to my life and millions of others. She truly is a Golden Girl.