Face, meet Palm.

Today I would like to discuss an extremely common phenomena… or phenomenon? mena? menon…. Mahna Mahna.

(click it. you know you want to)

Anyways.. yeah lemme tell you the thing.

Raise your hand if you’ve been personally victimized by Regina George ever had embarrassing moments as a young person. Okay, good. Now for all you asshats who did not raise your hand, please leave the figurative room immediately, and set up an appointment with the nearest Proctologist to find your head.

We’ve all been there right? Embarrassing crushes? Terrible poems you wrote as a teen? Various stages of self-urination? Friends, I’ve done it all. And in some sick, twisted desire to place another lock on my self-inflicted chastity belt, I am going to divulge some of the more embarrassing things I have done as a wee bairn.

I suppose I am going full-out with my self-depreciating aspect of my sense of humor in order to confront my faults/issues once and for all. Let this stand for a lesson that you all need to learn to laugh at yourselves, so that no one can use your personal humiliation to overpower you.

Easy for Tyrion to say, he never posted dirty Harry Potter FanFiction on his MySpace account.

But even if you don’t walk away learning that ever important lesson in life, I can assure you that you will most likely feel less embarrassed about your own life after reading some of my gems, and will most likely get a good laugh at my expense. Go ahead, laugh away, I find it quite hilarious too.

Without further ado, here is
Emily’s Unorganized List of Mortifying Shit She’s Done.

1. I once wet my pants at school in first grade. (haha, like that was the only time). My solution to this was to pour more water on them until they were totally soaked. I then played it off like I fell into a puddle. On a non-rainy day. Before we even had recess that day. 

2. I brought a real goose foot to show and tell in the second grade.My mom’s boyfriend was plucking/skinning/Jeffrey Dahmer-ing his hunted geese, and I was so excited about the feathers and various leavings, that I just HAD to bring in those treasures to show the class. I then proceeded to put some feathers and a dismembered goose foot into a ziploc bag, and take it to show and tell. Surprisingly, I was not sent away to the asylum I clearly needed.

3. I had a crush on a guy, and later found out he was my second cousin. But it was okay, because you have your cousin, then your first cousin, then your second cousin and he was like a totally good kisser (kidding).

(call me)

4. I sang a solo at Bible Camp for ABSOLUTELY NO GOOD REASON. In front of the entire mess hall. It was, “When You Say Nothing At All.” I remember announcing it as my ‘love song to God.’

5. Frequently and incorrectly used the term ‘Hanky Panky’ in elementary school. I always thought it was just some old timey way of saying ‘hang-out’. By the time I reached 6th grade, I had done the Hanky-Panky with some guys and many, many girls. I was a regular Lothario.

6. In 6th grade, I wrote a love note to my crush, asking him out. When that crashed an burned into a horrible rejective disaster, I stayed in the bathroom for 3 hours. The principal had to come in and scold me before I would come out. That’s how you know it was true love.

7. I frequently flipped classmates the bird in Kindergarten. My siblings taught me how and I didn’t realize it was bad until I got into a LOT of trouble by the teacher.

Or maybe I learned it elsewhere, I’m not sure.

8. I bit someone at school and left a scar. I was forever known for biting that kid. It was sort of hard to make friends after that.

(He knowth the feelth. It thuckth.)

9. I got the lead in the school play, and fell off the stage. I was also quite famous for that.

10. I wrote a personal ‘essay’? on what I thought sex was, when I was around 10. It was found, but I don’t remember by who. I have since repressed that memory in a deep, dark place.

11. In high school, I came up with a self-appointed nickname, and constantly used it on myself. It wasn’t even that creative: Em-Dawg. I put it as my yearbook nickname, I have it on clothing, I also made my own logo (a dog shaped like an ‘M’) and made my own ‘gang symbol’.

12. I called people ‘chodes’ in junior high. I did not know the true nature of the word. I thought it was synonymous with ‘putz’.

(and for those of you innocents out there: chode means stubby phallus)

13. In 3rd grade, I wore a Bacardi hat to school on Beach Dress-up Day. In my defense, I did not know what Bacardi was, and it was bright pink, and it had a palm tree and a parrot on it, AND my teachers never forced me to take it off. Am I really to blame here?

14. I catfished myself. Yes, it’s true. In a fit of total ‘forever alone’ness, I made up a boyfriend in junior high. It started off small, but it quickly snowballed into a borderline-sociopathic web of lies and mistaken identities that would take years to get over.

Hey, don’t judge me! You people all thought it was a wonderfully fun thing when Olive Penderghast did it.

Girl, I feel you.

15. I used to think I was am hot shit. Oh you silly, stupid girl, you. You should never become too pompous in your abilities because if there’s one thing I’ve consistently learned is that, “No matter how good you are at something, there is always someone better.”

Now I’m not saying, “Don’t be proud of your abilities.” You need to accept and be proud of your skills. Going to your full potential with positive activities that you are passionate about will almost undoubtedly make the world a better place.

Just don’t turn into a big cocky jerk with it. If it has been a while since life has knocked you on your infinitesimal ass, make sure you serve yourself some humble pie before someone else does. It will almost always go a little smoother if you do it yourself.
Well, check back in about a week or so, and see if this humblebrag extravaganza was a miraculous fail. If I seemed to fall off the face of the blogospere, it will mean that I have trusted this delicate information with the wrong people.

Or it will simply mean that I do not care how much I will be teased for the things on this list, and am most likely taking another blog-siesta.